Never snoop unless you are prepared for

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Never snoop unless you are prepared for
58
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:11pm

what you may find.


I could kick myself. It was a momentary lapse in ... well, everything I want to be! (honest, adult, not sneaky) ... & when Carlos was in the shower this morning at my house, I looked at his text messages. Pure & simple, I snooped. & I didnt like what I found.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 2:12pm

Honestly, R, I don't see anything in that text that would imply he's not open to or interested in the possibility of an LTR with you. What on earth does the fact that he hasn't married in the past due to bad timing have to do with you at all???

I think the fact that you are taking it personally shows clearly you are NOT ok with not being exclusive as much as you try to tell yourself that you are.

I think you need to tell him. My personal code for snooping is that if you're going to do it, you need to be prepared to accept the consequences--either ending the relationship if you find something that's a dealbreaker, or telling the other person you snooped because they desere to know. Being dishonest about it by not telling just compounds things, IMO. I would explain why you did it, let him know that the lack of exclusivity is obviously bothering you more than you realized and talk about things. He may or may not forgive you but if you can't be honest with him and have him accept you warts and all, what's the point?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 3:18pm
I would have to agree with Sheri on this one. I honestly think that you are getting so close to wanting that conversation to happen that you are going to explode and it's causing you some unnecessary stress right now. I have a feeling that you are fearing very much having to let him go because of him possibly giving you an answer that you don't want to hear. I think Carlos is starting to sense that things are beginning to bother you now so it might be about that time to have that conversation or pretty soon in the nearer future than you had planned. The thing is, you don't know what he will say or how he will react but if he reacts in a positive way and wants to give you that exclusivity then you will gain so much more and be at ease and at peace inside. It seems as if you have a lot of unrest about this stuff and you are trying to push it all away. Honesty is key and it will set you free in the long-haul. If you have to let him go because you know that eventually you will want that commitment then it's better to do that now than later. Hugs to you, I know how hard this is but maybe you just need a little push in the right direction so things don't bother you so much with this. I think that you "snooped" for a reason and it might be best to tell Carlos that you did so it can be a starter for the kind of conversation that you've been wanting to have deep down inside.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:23pm

Yes I think you need to come clean about snooping on his phone. I think you need to come clean about it so it opens up communicating about what you really want to communicate about because you are becoming secretive and sneaky and you shouldn't be in regards to him, I don't think you should be snooping on his phone and I think you should be open enough to be talking to him about what you want to and not chickening out. So time to come clean if you ever want this to work.

No I don't think this means what you think this means. For one, you aren't exclusive, you yourself just had a date the other night so it's a bit hypocritical to be bent out of shape because he himself is dating as well. And secondly, I think he may want all those things with you and is probably why he continues bringing it up to you in subtle ways but you keep chickening out having the conversation with him. Come on now, pony up and have the conversation.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:29pm

OK, while not reading the other posts yet, I will say that I'm a bit perplexed about either of you seeing other people at this point...maybe I misunderstood some of your previous posts, but I thought this guy was nuts about you and that you felt like he could be the real deal for you as well. If you have the intimate, close relationship that you describe, I find it a bit surprising that you'd even want to date someone else (or that he would either).

Maybe it's all in clarification, and while others might tell you that you were wrong to snoop, maybe this just brings to light that you both should be talking about some things. For me, once I start sleeping with a guy, I am not going to be seeing anyone else and I would be quite angry if a guy was sleeping with me while continuing to play the field. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

The only advice I can give you is that you need to decide what you really want here. If you want a committed relationship, then you need to talk to him about that and establish the fact that neither of you want to see anyone else and then stick to that. I think sneaking around is not a good thing and that is not likely to cement your relationship for the better. If you've been dating for what..6 months, then this conversation probably should have taken place before either of you decided to go out with someone else without the other one knowing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 8:26pm

I have been trying to say this was going to be a big possibility if you didn’t bring it up but you kept justifying it.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:37pm

Rebecca, the only relationships where I've acted insecure are the ones where the guy made me feel like he couldn't commit. You aren't wrong in what you did, but I agree with the others, it's time for the talk. If he walks, don't worry, he might very well come back. It sounds like what you have is really special to both of you. Go on, put those cards on the table. I don't think him chatting with someone is a big deal since you both have agreed to date others. He's a stand-up guy. Maybe he just needs to see he'll lose you. Once again, I'm not saying play games, but where you are right now is hurting you.

And as a 47 yo never married woman, I don't see anything wrong with his comment about timing. I've been officially engaged twice and have actually been asked for my hand in marriage by 6 total guys. I just wasn't ready, needed to get my degrees completed, needed to get myself where I wanted to be. It was definitely timing, although I didn't realize what the heck I was trying to do for awhile. I just knew I didn't want to be married, YET. So for Carlos to say it was bad timing at all those stages of his life, well heck, that has nothing to do with you. Who knows where he really is now. I'm now perfectly ready to marry because I've accomplished so many of the things that were deep inside of me that I needed to do. So don't ever take his comment personally, he's talking about the past. Who knows, you may be giving him the heebie jeebies because you ARE the right woman at the right time!!

Keep us posted.

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:11pm

Where is the KISS icon? lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:20pm

Rebecca, I agree with the others who say that you need to have "the talk." I agree that you need to know how far the relationship is going. I know you are afraid of losing him. I know that this is one of the reasons you have kept on dating--you want a "parachute," a safety net to fall into if Carlos should walk. And you are very much afraid he will walk. We can all hear it, and sympathize.

Where I am going to disagree with the others is in that I say you SHOULDN'T tell him you snooped. If you tell him now, it may shift the discussion away from "where is our relationship going" to "Rebecca did a bad thing." Never mind that all of us here understand why you snooped. Never mind that in a similar situation he might snoop. Carlos won't necessarily understand why you did it, and, if he is feeling nervous about your relationship, he may use the anger that any of us would feel at being "snooped" as a way of not confronting the real decisions he needs to make about your relationship.

So, in your shoes, I'd introduce "the talk" not with a confession but with an expression of concern about what he said about "expectations" and maybe mention that you don't really want to date other men right now and this isn't "expectations," but it does make you feel insecure around him. Or whatever. If things go well, and you end up communicating and having a better relationship as a result there will be time enough to "come clean" in a few months. Right now, IMHO, you'd just introduce a "distractor" into the discussion.

I just want to add that you are a smart, strong person, and that I can tell you will find the right way through this situation.

Best,

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:38pm

Thank you everyone -

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:57pm
I've been keeping up with the saga and wish you all the best. I hope you get your heart's desire. Take care.

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