is this supposed to happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
is this supposed to happen?
7
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 3:03pm

I'm on Y! Personals and have sent out emails to about 8 guys already. Most of them have checked out my profile, but no response back to me on whether they're interested. No, wait, I had 2 responses saying they weren't interested or they already found someone.

NO RESPONSES from ANY OF THE OTHERS! Is this even normal?

I know the ball's in their court once I send them an email, but I feel like emailing them again, asking whether they're interested or not. Maybe they're expecting me to email them again? I wanna say something like, "I see you've taken a look at my profile. Would you be interested in talking to one another?"

This is totally terrible and an embarrassment. I'm thinking of also joining Match, but I'm hesitant because they don't offer an "unsearchable" option. Funny too because some of the guys from Y! are also on Match (I'm like, saying to myself, "Hey, I know you!" lol)

Could it be my approach to these guys that's not "connecting"? I try not to write a "cover letter" intro when I email them. Well, I sort of did in the beginning, but now, I try to write something connected to what they wrote in their profiles so it looks like I read it.

Please tell me I'm just having a string of bad luck with this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:29pm

Hon, I mean this in the very best way, but I am not sure you are cut out for online dating. Yes, it's extremely common that not everyone you contact is going to respond. VERY, VERY, VERY common. And you need to not take it personally. They are not waiting for you to email back with another response saying "hey I saw you checked out my profile are you interested in talking?" They checked out your profile and for whatever reason, they decided they didn't want to talk to you. It's not personal - maybe they just met someone, maybe they don't like you hair color, maybe you're too young, too old, maybe it has nothing at all to do with you. But if you are going to do OLD, you MUST learn not to take either rejection or a non-response (which is a less overt form of rejection) personally. You don't know them, they don't know you so it's not an attack on you, just they don't want to pursue it with you. But emailing them again looks desperate. If they wanted to talk to you, they would have emailed back.

You're not having a string of bad luck, that's the way it goes with OLD. I put an ad on Craigslist the other day and got about 30 replies. I responded to about 15. I got like THREE replies back. It stings a little that after I send a reply and a picture, I don't hear from these guys, but I know that I am attractive and that I look good in my picture but maybe I am just not their type. Big deal. I get over it - I don't know them so what do I care what this perfect stranger thinks of me?

And there is an "unsearchable" feature on Match, you can have your profile hidden. However if you want to do the promotion of "find someone in 6 months or get 6 months free", then you have to have your profile visible at all times. And you have to post a picture. So I don't just wonder whether or not Match is for you, I wonder whether OLD is for you. You have to have a very tough skin and learn that every "rejection" is not personal. It took me a while to learn, I remember the first rejection I got - I fit his criteria perfectly. It was my first time to send an email and so I replied to his rejection asking what I'd done wrong. He said it was nothing but that everyone had a "type". I guess I just wasn't HIS despite meeting all his criteria to a T.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:45pm

Thank you, vexer. You are always with wise words.

I'm still "new" to this game (after years of being in an LD/LTR) and yes, I know I have to develop a thicker skin. I'm working on it the best I can. :)

Thank you also for telling me that I'm not having bad luck, that that's just the way OLD is. I thought it must really be me.

I won't email those guys back - the heck with them. It's on to the next one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi. I'm new here, but read your email and am thinking, yep, i know the feeling. What has happened more often than that is, we're emailing each other short but informative things, they sound very interested and then just ... stop emailing. I don't get it. Why act so interested if they're not?

I also think this form of dating lets people feel ok about just dropping things without any kind of goodbye. I have done it myself, I'm ashamed to admit, but I always think why would someone want to hear why I don't want to date them?

I also hate that they act so totally into you and ask for another date and then disappear. Again, why the big act? Anyone have any ideas? Are the guys on match and yahoo just losers? I do have to wonder when I date someone who's never been married and is 47, NOT a hottie, and then disappears. I think the dating world has tilted.

Help, I'm losing confidence instead of gaining it. Should I just go offline for a while?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 8:31am

Although others have ezplained already that IT'S NOT YOU, thought I'd explain a logical reason of why this happens. Personally, I attribute the flaw to some of the "matching" software.

You see, you set up your profile and then list what you seek as an ideal match. Meanwhile, these "matching" software comes up with "matches" and then lists them for you to review. In other cases, the matches come by way of email as "your latest matches" and then you get the list. The "problem" is that the list ranks from very good matches to less likely matches. Many will look at all the matches, but it does not mean that they will contact all that they view, does it?

Think about it, have you emailed every person that YOU have viewed? I think not. So don't worry about it my dear because it's not you.

Another thing.....I look at the "suggested" matches, but when I view their profile, I clearly miss their match in terms of ethnicity, height, and sometimes age. So why is the "matching software" suggesting them? You see? Do you see a need for me to explain to everyone I view an email saying that I am not interested and why? Would you do the same?

Lastly, there are numerous reasons for the actual person not contacting you. Some are new to OLD and perhaps shy or uneasy about contacting right away. Perhaps you are excited in contacting a match right away, but that's not necessarily so for everyone.

As for "rejection" by those who chat for awhile and then dispappear, don't worry about it. Perhaps you, like me, learned to be courteous to people and choose to explain why things are snot working out. But, my dear, I can name so many things in daily life where people aren't courteous, yet I don't fret over it. I'm sure you can it see it the same way.

Good luck. By the way, I found my most recent match at Yahoo Personals and have been dating her since October. I have since promptly unsubscribed, but left a profile up. Not knowing if she is "the one", I chose a path to instead modify my profile to say that I have found someone and will be away for awhile, if not forever. That way, I save the headache of recreating a profile should there be a need to return. Should I walk the path to a marriage, I will then totally remove the profile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:06am

Oops! I guess your main gripe was that those you replied to did not reply at all. I did sort of cover it in the end. But as I mentioned the lack of courtesy, would that not be a reason you would not match them anyway? Don't feel that you should get instant reults. Others will tell you that OLD can and is likely to a be a long process. Also, you will likely learn about how you want to convey yourself in your profile as well as how you respond by email.

Consider this, OLD can be a great way to "screen" matches without getting involved too quickly. At the same time, you don't want to say things by email that will screen out potential matches even before meeting them in person. Know also that email, as a whole, is an imperfect way of communicating as there are weaknesses due to lack of voice inflections, body language, etc. and so often create misunderstandings. I highly suggest to all that use OLD, to quickly get to the phone call phase. Hopefully, you have at least screened to the effect on not getting an obsessive psycho that would continue to call should things not work out. You can still learn alot by actually hearing a voice on the other end of the phone. It also demands a person to think on their feet with instant "on the fly" responses rather than allow a person to come up with a well thought response by email. Once you feel comfortable, I recommend getting quickly to a face to face meeting. Be careful by meeting in public with separate transportation, yet do not prolong that first meet as you might waste a lot of time chatting with someone you could easily reject had you met in person sooner. I was hesistant in using OLD at first. I started last July when my previous love interest faltered. After about 2-1/2 months of Yahoo Personals chat, I then pushed for direct email and then phone calls. Illnesses and busy travels delayed our first date but it finally happened and things have been pretty good since then.

Once again....good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:33am

What you view as "courtesy" I view as unnecessary. I don't need someone telling me why they chose to reject me. I don't view that as "courteous". I prefer that the guy vanish and I can make my own conclusions. I respect your wish to recieve and send emails telling people why you want to stop contacting them but don't knock someone else's preference to NOT send and receive thos as discourteous or rude. It is a personal preference, not a matter of courtesy.

And I most definitely do not feel it necessary nor courteous to send a reply to every person who sends me an email or wink. I don't expect a reply from everyone and when I don't receive a reply to an initial email, I do not view it as rude. First of all, they could be a non-paying member. But regardless of that, they have a right to not respond. I basically send an email and forget about it. If I get a positive reply back, I am pleasantly surprised. If I get a "thanks but no thanks cuz I think you're ugly" email, I am annoyed. If I get no reply, I haven't thought about them so what do I care.

This has long been a bone of contention on this board about thanks but no thanks replies or not. But I think that we all have to accept that each person has their own preferences on what they would like and to call someone else's preference to one way "discourteous" is disrespectful, IMO.




Edited 1/26/2007 10:37 am ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:56pm
Hi vexer_hw , don't get me wrong, I agree with you precisely. If you re-read what I said in my two posts, I pointed out to cunygrad2007 that she need NOT fret when there are no responses. And while I did bring up the matter of being "courteous", it was not suggesting the lack of response was necessarily discourteous either. A courteous response could say that it didn't work out and then wish that person well. But as you say, no reply can be just as well accepted. I guess that would be since it doesn't remind you that it is a rejection. The bottom line is OLD is not for everyone and that one should have a reasonably tough skin and not get bothered simply because one desn't hear from the other. Imagine if one were to know the real reason why there was no reply such as the other person died in a car accident or of a terminal illness. It is amazing what the mind will conjure up without any real facts. There are many things in life not worth worrying about, especially when one doesn't know the facts. Just chalk it up to a "wasn't meant to be situation" and simply move on. Life is much too short. Good luck cunygrad2007.