need tips on how to "just be friends..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
need tips on how to "just be friends..."
9
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:45pm
This is my 1st post-but I've been lurking for a few weeks...enjoying it all! I've been on match for almost 2 months and am now seeing one person pretty regularly (and really enjoying it!) But, I am still on match, still communicating w/new men, etc. met a new one who on line and on phone made me laugh...and met him in person and he was very nice, nice looking, but at least twice my size. I'm very active (and have recently lost some weight) and want someone who can keep up with me, but I do like him and would like to keep in touch w/him--or is this leading him on? I just can't see going for a bike ride w/him, or climb a mountain. (I feel so mean). He is into me, calls my cell all the time and wants to go out next Saturday night. So, I have to call him today or tomorrow. Any ideas of how I can word this? Or was what I wrote ok? I've never felt as though I rejected someone because of the way they look...honestly if he was 100 lbs lighter, I would go out w/him on a Saturday night--but I don't want to lead him on.
thanks for advice....
Mary
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:54pm

Oh, goodness, no, I would not say a WORD about his size or weight!!! Just tell him that you enjoy his company but you are sorry, you don't feel any romantic chemistry for him, however, if he's comfortable with being platonic friends, you'd enjoy that. If he says, sure, then arrange to have lunch or whatever you'd do with a platonic male friend next week.

Edited to add: if he does agree to be friends, be sure to act like a friend--split the check, talk about dates each of you has had, stuff like that. You want to be sure he's not just agreeing to be friends in the hope that you'll change your mind about him, so be sure to act like he's your bud.

Oh, and also, I personally would do that in an email, not a phone call, because it gives the other person the opportunity to think about it and not be put on the spot and in an uncomfortable position on the phone. I would hate to be on the phone with someone and get that news if I liked them and to have to pretend I wasn't disappointed, but after thinking about it, I might be ok with it.

Sheri




Edited 1/25/2007 7:58 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 8:24pm
Sheri, Excellent advice! Thank you. So, I've already sent him an e-mail this morning saying that I couldn't see him over the next weekend, and could maybe have lunch....but I also said I would call him tonight or tomorrow. So, should I just keep the conversation light and short, or should I send the e-mail before talking to him (and tell him that I would still like to have lunch w/him)?
Mary
(feeling like such a wimp)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 9:01pm

Oh, that's a tough one since you said you'd call. Hmm. I guess I'd still send an email but maybe acknowledge that you realize you said you'd call. I would then wait for him to respond before you call him--in other words, if he is upset and disappointed, you don't want to rub it in by calling.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:50am
I just wonder how differently we all would have reacted if a guy said he didn't want to date one of us because we were too fat? Seriously, are you dating someone purely for what they look like or who they are? You said that you would like him if he was lighter, why not give it a go, you could encourage him subtly to lose some weight. You know, suggest a walk, a ride, whatever, just some physical activity here and there. You said that you had recently lost some weight, surely you'd have a little empathy for the man.
I would seriously think hard before i did the"lets be friends thing" because of his weight if he is such a great guy. He can lose weight but some of those other guys will never gain a personality!
Also think about why you won't date him. Is it because you'd be embarrassed to be seen with him or worried that people may view you differently if you had a fat boyfriend or is because you think it would never work because you could never be attracted physically to him? It would be such a shame to see a great guy be shoved out of your life for the wrong reasons. I once refused to date a guy because he was overweight a few years ago. I really regret that, and trust me, you don't want to feel like that. He was a great guy, funny, friendly, caring, intelligent, had a great job but i thought he'd make me look bad because he was about 100 pounds ovverweight, so i said no. I've since seen him, he is still overweight, but he is still a beautiful person but now has a wife and a child. I consider her to be a very lucky lady and regret that i let a good man go because of something so shallow.
I just urge you to weigh (no pun intended!) it all up before you pass him over.
Good luck with whatever you decide though!
Aussiegal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 8:59am

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:12am

I just wonder how differently we all would have reacted if a guy said he didn't want to date one of us because we were too fat?


Well, once you've been in the dating scene for a while, and especially with online dating, you learn that there are MANY guys who won't date a woman who weighs even one ounce more than what he deems acceptable to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:35am

I think I have more compassion because I have recently lost weight! I have nothing against dating someone who is overweight (in fact the person I am seeing currently is a little overweight, but very active--he's also through match (I'm not ready to be exclusive...) But, since I did lose about 20 lbs this fall, I feel so much better (and am planning to lose another 15)--and I know I will feel better still. My lifestyle has changed--I exercise every day--and being outdoors is really important to me--as well as eating healthy. I consider it to be an important part of myself now and want to be with someone who will encourage that and who lives that as well.

There is the whole potential sex problem too.. (he's not young). So, I think if it's meant to be we will remain friends (I hope so) and who knows...I certainly don't mean to be shallow, but I have to do what's good for me.
Gulp--I will e-mail him now. Thanks all.
Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:11am

You said that you would like him if he was lighter, why not give it a go, you could encourage him subtly to lose some weight. You know, suggest a walk, a ride, whatever, just some physical activity here and there.

__________________________

That is terrible advice. Women are always trying to change men and it ticks us off.

Here is what I think the OP should do. Don't go out with him- she's not attracted to him because of the weight thing. (There is nothing wrong with that, and yes, there are a lot of us guys who won't go out with bigger women. Probably more men who are picky like that than there are women, actually.)

And don't try to do the whole "let's just be friends" thing. It won't work because he IS into her and she was kind of into him... if only he could just lose some weight. Which means she'll always be thinking that about him, and maybe if he does start to lose some weight suddenly she'll want to be "more than friends"... blah blah blah. Too confusing.

Keep it simple, date people you're attracted to, don't try and change men, and we'll all be happier.

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:20pm

I agree with hjntiy...he needs to find someone who likes him for him & is attracted to him as he is now. If he decided he wants to lose weight, he needs to do it on his own & for himself, not because a girl tells him to.

I was 250 pounds & decided to slim down for myself. I've never ballooned back up after losing 100 pounds. And yes, I do get more dates now, but I did it for myself.