Last minute planning

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Last minute planning
31
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:24am

So Sean the-lunch-guy IMed me this morning, said he hadn't forgotten we were going to "do something" this weekend and he'd phone me this afternoon. But he didn't. He probably has a good reason. He really has been swamped at work. I'm going to guess that he had to work late today just as he did yesterday and when he got home he was too tired to phone me.

The problem is that he never said which day (much less at what time) on the weekend he was planning for us to get together. He didn't check to see if I was available at that time. I think that it is rude.

Anyway, I am tempted to make plans on my own and when (if?) he calls me tomorrow it will be tough, I didn't hear from you so I went ahead and planned to go shopping (or the movies, or iceskating or whatever) with another friend. I can, at least, make some phonecalls to see if one of my women friends is free.

The problem is I am worried that it will be rude. It's partly my fault for not insisting that he tell me what day and what time and roughly what it as that he was proposing we do. As I said, I am thinking Sean isn't going to be much use as anything but a Platonic friendship. But -- I also think that he has been rude about his "invitation."

Also if he forgets to call me (and he might) then I will be stuck with nothing to do all weekend because I made no plans waiting for him to call.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:54am

Hmm...I would not feel any obligation to hold any time open for him this weekend, in the LEAST! You go ahead and plan your weekend. If and when he calls, and if you're available when he wants to get together, you can decide then if you're going to go, but if you're not available, you just say, I made other plans for Sat afternoon, since I wasn't sure when you wanted to get together but Sun evening would work for me (assuming you still want to see him). That would not be rude. Would you really tweak if you'd said to one of your friends, we should do something this weekend but didn't follow up with her and then found out she's made other plans? I really don't think most people would.

But I'm not impressed that he didn't call this afternoon to follow up like he said he would. To me, there are very few "good reasons" not to call when you say you're going to, even if it's just a quick call to say you're swamped and need to call tomorrow to firm things up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 4:01am
I agree. You SHOULD go ahead & plan something else. & if he calls, say "Oh, you said you were going to call me Thurs afternoon, & when I didnt hear back from you, Im sorry ... i made other plans".

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:09am

My concern is that he may *think* he was clear about what day and time he had in mind. The impression that I got from him was that he wanted to go out on Saturday night but was afraid I'd already be busy. I sort of hinted that I wasn't, by making the point that I will be busy the Saturday after this. So he may think that we have agreed that if he calls I will go out with him. That's why I think he might find it "rude" if I make other plans.

But you are right. I don't owe him courtesy if he isn't showing me any either. I e-mailed a friend last night after posting my message and suggested that tomorrow might be a good day for that shopping trip (to another town) she and I had been planning. If we go, although we'll probably be home before 7 PM, I'm going to be too tired to go out. If she decides against it, I'll try to find something else to do. I will be *really* unhappy if I end up doing nothing tomorrow after a week of Sean suggesting we are getting together and then doing nothing.

Meanwhile, my IM is off. If he wants to contact me he'll have to use the phone.

I just wish there were someone else. I had a long conversation with another guy yesterday, but I don't think he is going to call again. And although other guys have contacted me, both on Yahoo and the local site where I met Sean, none of them has really been right after a couple of e-mails. :( Oh well. At least Sean helped me with my car the other day.

Thanks for the feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:15am

I don't know if a 52 yr old guy can take a hint.

Anyway, as I said in my reply to Sheri, I went ahead and started to make some other plans. There's a good chance anyway that Sean will feel he is too tired or too busy or something to do anything this weekend. Definitely this is, at best, going to be a platonic friendship involving an occasional lunch or whatever. But at least I got help with my car!

Thanks for the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:18am
He's being too lazy and casual about planning things with you. I agree you should make your own plans, go on with your weekend. Don't sit around waiting on him. If you happen to be available, still say you aren't so he gets the clue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:16pm

Yeah, I pretty much decided that I will not be available. A shopping trip is good because even if I can't get a friend to go with me, I can go by myself, entertain myself, and not be home. (Granted, there is housework I will be neglecting, but...)

It's really irritating though. He kept talking about dinner this week, then it moved to the weekend, now the weekend is here and we obviously are not having dinner.

I do believe he's busy, but one can always make a little time, especially on the weekend. If a female friend treated me like this I'd be annoyed too. It's not about dating, but about being thoughtful of other people.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 1:02pm
Do not for any reason wait for a guy. The ball is in your court, you have the upper hand. He'll learn and put forth much more of an effort if you tell him hey, I have plans we can get together at another time. Trust me, once they know you're not waiting, they pay attention!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 1:16pm

I think "you have the upper hand" is only the case when the guy is interested. If the guy is not interested and you don't make it easy for him, he stops seeing you.

Which is what has happened, I think, in this case. I was unavailable via IM and he didn't want to take the trouble to phone or e-mail.

My take on this is that it's just as well. If he isn't sufficiently motivated to follow through on his own suggestion for an activity, I'd rather end the relationship before it starts.

I'd rather be alone, and it really looks as if I will be.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 8:57am

An update for anyone who cares:

Sean phoned me at 10:00 PM last night. His explanation for not calling on Friday is he's been sick with a cold and Friday he had come home, crashed, and not woken up until 9 AM on Saturday, just in time to rush to take a friend to the airport. (I'd known about the friend and airport deal, so it's not a last-minute story.) Said after the airport (it's a 2 hour round trip) he stopped at the drugstore and got himself some cold medicine and just crashed again until mid-evening. He had not seen me on IM, so he had called to see how I was doing.

He *has* been coming down with something all week, I think. And I can see why if he was feeling ill he didn't feel like phoning when he couldn't get me easily on IM. But there is e-mail. An e-mail on Friday before he "crashed" explaining that he was feeling sick etc. would have been the courteous thing.

Anyway, he did apologize, said he hoped he hadn't inconvenienced me. (I told him, not at all, I'd had a perfectly lovely, busy day, etc.) And he asked for a "dinner date" for Tuesday, when he would be feeling better. He said he wanted to take me someplace "nice" and made a point of discussing the restaurant with me. (It's not super-fancy, but very nice.)

So, although I still think he was rude and thoughtless, at least he seems to recognize that he needs to make an effort. I will continue to avoid being too available on IM, since he does seem to get lazy about contacting me in other ways.

This dating is almost as much work as being married. ;)

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:29am

Whoa, he called you at 10 PM on a Saturday night???? Seriously????

I guess I must be too old school--I would have a very hard time getting past that particular piece of rudeness. And yes, he could have and should have sent an email much earlier explaining.

I hope you have fun Tues night but he'd have a long road back to rehabilitate himself after that if I were in your shoes.

Sheri

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