Red Flag - but do I tell why??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Red Flag - but do I tell why??
9
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 2:15am

Hi all,

I'm on Match and have emailed a guy a few times back and forth inside the site. I've got a red flag and am going to stop communication. However, do I tell him why? He's moving WAAAAY to fast - I'm getting things like 'sweet dreams', and going a bit overboard on how much he likes my smile etc. For me it's like 'chill, sunshine' and am going to back off, but do I let him know that he's pushed it too far OR leave it be so others have the same weeding opportunity?

thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:31am

No, I would not say anything--he'll probably just argue with you and berate you for being unromantic.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 12:04pm
No, put yourself on the other side. Would you want someone that you don't even know to be so brutally honest with you or would you rather they just keep it generic and say that they don't think you are a match? I personally would rather have the second. And also, what is a "problem" for you, might not be for the next person. So you might think all those terms of endearment and stuff are too much too soon and the next woman who is different than you might like them. Just cuz it's not for you doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. Just tell him that you don't think you're a good match and move on to the next guy and let him move on to the next girl.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 12:48pm

My answer depends on how you feel about him. If you are really not that interested in seeing where things could go if he were to slow down, then I would say just back off and don't go into a long explanation of why. Just say you aren't a good match, that generally does the trick. However, if you like this guy and think things could work out if he were to slow down, then I would tell him to slow down. I am finding that a lot of men will say those types of things to a woman because they think it is romantic and that all women want those types of romantic gestures. They just don't realize that with some women, myself included, those romantic words and gestures too early on are a huge turn off. Sometimes if you just tell a man what you want he will be more than happy to accomodate.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 2:49pm
Some gals would be happy to have the comments you received, but it's all relative. If he is not right for you, back off. I wouldn't suggest you criticize his ways. Just give a courteous reply that you don't feel you're a match and leave it at that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 3:23pm

Were you interested in him otherwise? Was this the only thing that turned you off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:38am

Hi all,

Thanks for that everybody. I was in a 50/50 quandry, but I'll not go into details as to why, just say I don't think we're a good match.

I've not encountered this level of intensity before on-line, so wasn't sure how to deal with it. But as was said, what doesn't suit me may well be ideal for the next woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:43pm

A guy who comes on too strong and starts with the "like your smile" B.S. so soon is a huge turn-off for me. That is a large part why I did not go out with the one guy who showed up at my workplace twice too often. He also sounded way too familiar too soon. I felt it would be wrong to go out with him knowing that I was turned off by his behavior (as well as his physical looks).

I guess there is really a happy medium when it comes to men and dating. We want someone who is interested in us, who is willing to make time for us but who does not say things that seem a little "too easy" to say right off the bat. When a guy tells me something like he "loves my eyes" or "loves my dark hair", I have to wonder how many other women he has said that to. Likewise, I want a guy who doesn't draw things out way too long either. It's hard to find someone in between.

It seems I tend to get more of the lazy ones than anything else. The ones who act like they're interested but do just enough to keep me on the string wondering what the heck is going on (without making firm plans for another date). Limbo is not a good place to be at either, but at least with a guy who comes on too strong, that is a big red flag and you are not left wondering what you should do (if you don't find that you are attracted to him). As they say...next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:25pm
I would just drop him. Sure you coudl tell him, but either way, Ick.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 7:02pm

>>>>When a guy tells me something like he "loves my eyes" or "loves my dark hair", I have to wonder how many other women he has said that to.<<<<

And women wonder why men are the way we are sometimes.

Look, why not simply accept it as a compliment? Maybe the guy really DOES like your eyes or hair? Yeah, it can be too much, and yeah, some people aren't into that mushy-goo-goo kind of talk. If that's how it is, fine- you're not compatible, that's why you date. You want to find that kind of stuff out.

But what if he's just a nice guy trying to make an effort? Why worry about if he's said that to other women? Unless he was a monk since the age of 12 and you're the first woman he's been with since he got out of the monastery, it's almost CERTAIN that he's said nice things to other women- so WHAT?

GRRR. Be realistic. People have pasts.