Was it disrespectful or not??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Was it disrespectful or not??
12
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:40am

I've been talking with a guy online for a little over a month. Two fridays ago, we decided that it was time to meet up. Here's where it gets a little weird. We have not spoken on the phone. I asked him if he was free on the upcoming Sunday to meet up for coffee...(he has asked me a couple times prior to this to meet up...but being the holidays and going to visit the family, I truly was unavailable - he told me to let him know when I was ready to meet) His response to this was that he would love too but he would have ot let me know about what time. I offered my phone number to him...but he said that he would find me on the computer or send me an e-mail. So basically, I took this as he didn't want my number..which I find very odd and suspicious. Do you?? Although I didn't wait around for him to contact me, I did check my e-mail a couple of times...but I continued on with my life and still planned things...I figured by Saturday night, I hadn't heard from him so I wasn't holding my breath and if he planned on contacting me Sunday well a little late planning and I would just say sorry I didn't hear from you so I made other plans. Well it turns out..I never heard from him until Wednesday. Yes, 3 days after we were supposed to meet. He did send me an e-mail apologizing...and saying something came up and he would never intentionally "blow me off". I am a pretty understandable person...and I completely understand that unexpected things happen that we need to deal with. I'm 100% fine with that. However, I did find it disrespectful that he waiting 3 days to contact me to let me know why I didn't hear from him. Am I wrong in thinking this way??? He has sent me several e-mails stating he is sorry, and he doesn't blame me for being mad. Honestly, I'm not mad, upset, or even disappointed....its the respect issue! TO me RESPECT is everything. And the fact he couldn't find 2 seconds to write an e-mail saying he was sorry but something came up...even that night or the next day...I do have a HUGe problem with that. So last night..I got a 4th e-mail from him..all it said was "you can't be that mad, can you?" so my response to him (as I did not respond to the other e-mails) was "actually, I'm not mad at all. I'm a pretty understandable person. I understand things come up unexpectedly and we need to deal with them. However, I did find that waiting 3 days to contact me and explain why I never heard from you was disrespectful. To me respect is everything" that is all I wrote....

Am I wrong in thinking this way??

I mean this is my first impression of the guy...it's called common courtesy...right???? I don't want to be involved with a guy, that right off the bat, could care less about blowing me off. Although, I don't know 100%, but I'm pretty sure...that it wasn't anything that involved him being out of town for that whole time, as he just started a new job a couple weeks ago, so I'm almost sure he went to work on Monday.

What is your take on this?? Was I wrong in responding that way???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:11am

Yes, I think it's odd when a guy doesn't give you his phone number. That would be a red flag for me.

And yes, if you all had plans (even tentative plans) to meet Sunday, it's very reasonable to expect him to let you know he couldn't make it.

My guess is he's married or has a girlfriend. He doesn't want you to call him, and doesn't know when he can *get away* to see you. I wouldn't give him anymore of your time.

zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 7:40pm
Just to clarify a little...not that it is that big of a deal...but I offered to give HIM my number...but he didn't want it. I did not ask him for his number...I guess I'm old fashioned and believe he should call me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 9:07pm
I agree 100% with zjaney. He sounds shadey. I wouldn't invest one more minute on this guy... He is a prime example of
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:38pm

I say beware of someone who won't talk to you on the phone. I understand an initial hesititaion, but after a month?? If you are talking about meeting somewhere, why on earth would he not want to talk on the phone! You were right to be ticked off!

PS-The whole "not talking on the phone" thing is a common trick for married men or men in relationships!!

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 7:34am
Just to play Devil's Advocate...I have nothing to hide, but I don't like talking on the phone. I spend 8 hours a day on the phone at work, so the last thing I want to do is be on the phone much outside of work. I prefer in-person or email.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:02am

I agree - I don't like talking on the phone either, but it's slightly odd or suspicious that he didn't want to talk AT ALL. I hate the phone, but I am much better with setting up a meet quickly by phone than playing endless email, IM or worse, text tag. I think a brief conversation before meeting (just to hear the voice - I am big on voices) and set up the meeting time and place is all that is necesary.

Some guys may think that a girl wants to talk endlessly on the phone because a lot of women DO like to do that. But if that's the case, he's still to blame because he should just set expectations - "Hey, I'll call you to set up the meet but I'll warn you, I'm not a big phone person."

Last, I think also that the OP was less annoyed by the lack of phone call and more by the fact that he said he'd contact her (via email) to set up the meet and then didn't until 3 days late! THAT (IMO) is what was the most rude and strange.

Anyhoo, to the OP, yes, it was disrespectful IMO and your response to him was very good. I agree that it's not that you are mad - he's a stranger, what's worth getting mad at? ;-) BUT it is common courtesy to contact someone when you said you would especially if you'd set up a tentative date.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 5:30pm

I think you're totally justified in what you said to this guy. I also have a huge problem with guys who do not have common courtesy and just leave you hanging. I'm currently dealing with another guy who has left me in limbo, so I once again wrote him an e-mail point blank asking him what he was wanting out of this. When I wrote him before, I was not as clear as I was this time, so he needs to make another date with me or I'm not going to mess with weeks and weeks of phone calls and sometimes then it's phone tag anyway. Not a lot of fun, especially when he doesn't call back or return my "return call" very soon. I told him that I needed "more than just phone calls at this point". I also told him that he needed to think about what he wanted in a relationship or even a possible relationship.

Too many online men are either married, continual wafflers, or they are not interested enough to pursue a woman when a decent one comes along. I continue to run into guys who act interested at first, but then they do very little to move things along later..while not totally bailing either. In some ways, it's worse than being bailed on. At least you know where you stand once they are gone for good. Once again, game playing is not attractive. The less we tolerate it, the less likely they are to try it on the next woman. They need to realize that the consequence of games is that the woman will lose interest and then they will still be alone months later. I personally would rather be alone than continue to play guessing games with a guy. Gets old real fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:55am
I am TOTALLY the same way. Not that I spend time on the phone as a nurse, but i HATE talking on the phone to potential dates.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:57am

I agree on all your points.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:49am

Wow, you are sure confused. He has made it clear that he cannot be counted on and that he is not that serious about meeting you. Maybe he's playing the field, maybe he's just fishing...who knows.

You've never met this guy face to face and already he has you very upset and going around in circles. Why are you putting yourself through this? Are you that desperate for a guy in your life?

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