Unbelievable :(
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Unbelievable :(
| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:30pm |
Do you guys remember my post about the good looking indian guy about a month ago?
| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:30pm |
Do you guys remember my post about the good looking indian guy about a month ago?
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That is so wrong of him!
I understand that he is attracted and all that, but it is selfish for him to put you in the position of letting him court you when he is not free. A real man doesn't do that. He can't have his cake at one party while he is still a guest at another party.
You did the right thing to tell him off. He obviously doesn't understand that in a situation like this, the whole burden if things go wrong is on you. He had no business flirting with you like that.
I am very sorry that this happened when you were getting so excited and hopeful, but at least he told you upfront instead of pretending he was free when he isn't.
If he is Indian, there's a good chance this was an arranged marriage, as I'm sure you know, and those are sometimes the hardest to get out of (no matter what he says) because of family pressures.
So -- this proves that it isn't just online dating that brings the risk of married guys trying to act as though they are not.
Hang in there!
Elsa
I'm sorry this happened. That really sucks! However like Elsa, I was also thinking that since he is Indian, that likely this was an arranged marriage. Since he was so very young, it's also likely that he had no say in anything about the marriage. In some modern Indian marriages, while they may be arranged, each person has "veto power" so to speak - they actually get to meet and spend some time together before getting married and if either one doesn't like the other, they can call off the betrothal. I had an Indian friend in college who basically got to "pick" between 3 guys - she also was 20 at the time. I lost touch with her, but that seemed to be the new trend in Indian marriages but many couples were still held to the traditional betrothals. It doesn't make it much better, but maybe he never loved her and finally he's in the process of ending his marriage. Divorce is a big deal in Indian culture too - you just don't do it!
Anyway, I would imagine that he does like you, is attracted to you and may not have seen the harm in what he was doing since he knew he didn't love his wife. But you are so right not to get into that kind of drama! It sounds like it will be a bitter process if she doesn't want a divorce. Maybe 6 months down the line (IF you're still available!) you never know. But I think this guy is better off being a friend.
Thanks Elsa, Biochic and Vexer.
I always thought if I were in this situation I would feel black and white about it and be able to just walk away, but I am having this temptation to believe him. I know it would be a slippery slope if I were to hang out as "friends" until his divorce is finalized. I guess this
The story goes on which I'm not going to.
Just congratulate yourself that you found out now.
Men are sh*ts? It's ok to vent. My take is that it is so easy to judge and blame but he did not proposition you or asked you out for a date, just an exchange of phone numbers. I can relate on wanting to have another woman to share, console, relate to when I am going thru this period of confusion and indecision.
As you said, he did tell you that he is married. So please own that it's your hopes and expectations that contributed to your judgments and blame of him .yes?
I hold that each of us are responsible for our expectations, behaviors, beliefs, and how we choose to respond and feel. It is not ALL about the other person.
Continue free to vent on men in general all.. :-),
Mark
Mark,
I'm glad you spoke up. It's not "men" who are the problem, it is PEOPLE. Men are hurt by careless and selfish women just as much as women are hurt by careless and selfish men.
This guy could certainly have been worse. I can understand why he flirted with her. I can even understand that he may have hoped that she would give him a chance since, in his own mind, his marriage is really over.
It was thoughtless of him, but the truth is that the first stages of infatuation tend to be selfish. We think of how the beloved object is going to meet our needs, and we don't always think what we may be doing to the other person. If we are responsible, mature, adults, as we get to know a person, we begin to empathize with them, and only then do we begin to care about their well-being and feelings in ways that don't reflect our own feelings.
I'm angry at this guy because what he did hurt Devorah, but you are right that he does not represent all men and that his selfishness in many ways was only human.
Elsa
I'm amazed that this guy is not even separated yet but is giving out his phone number already. You are wise to avoid this situation. In fact, I'm not sure I'd hang out at the restaurant a lot if this is uncomfortable for you. It would be torture, in my opinion, to even be around this man knowing that he truly is not available to date.
If you remember my posts earlier last year, I went through a horrible situation with dating a guy who was only separated from his "horrible wife". He assured me he was getting the divorce and that he had no intention of going back to her, but that was what he did--he left town without even telling me. There was a child involved, but it was not the wife's child...it was his & his first ex-wife's child. It was also complicated, but by the time custody fight was started, I was already involved with him and cared about him. It was devastating that he went back to her and didn't have the guts to even tell me. Now, I tell all women to never get involved with anything involving a married man (not even if he's separated because that is just too risky). Also, you do not want to be the rebound woman. If this guy is truly interested in you, he will wait, but in the meantime, no, you do not want to be the reason (or even feel like the reason) that he's getting a divorce. He has "baggage" that he needs to deal with and that might take a long while.
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