Need Some Advice
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| Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:16am |
I had been talking to this guy from an online dating site and we decided to meet last weekend. Well, the date seemed to go well. We met for drinks and talked for hours and he wanted to do something after we left the restaurant, but it was late and not much was open. He said that he definitely wanted to go out with me again. When we were leaving the restaurant he was hugging me and holding my hand and told me that I was very pretty. He was acting interested. Well, it has been nearly 6 days now and he hasn't called. I was thinking that maybe I should just call him and tell him that I head a nice time last week, but don't know if I should. I am a little confused right now because when we met he was acting interested and I expected to hear from him by now. Has this happened to anyone else? What should I do? I really thought that this guy had some potential and I am very disappointed right now.
Thanks

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I can definitely understand your confusion...and frustration. Yes, I've been in similar situations with OLD. We can't read his mind, but as you indicated, from his actions/words last weekend, it is very strange that you haven't heard from him since.
It's so hard to say what is going on...maybe he met someone else that he feels is a better match, maybe...maybe...maybe...we could go on and on. We just don't know. He sure seemed to come on strong for a first date though, and that really displays some red flags since he's not contacted you since.
You could just let it go and focus on other members on the site, or if you're so inclined, drop him a line and just be honest...tell him you are confused why you haven't heard from him since he appeared so eager to see you again, etc. You may not get any reply at all, or he may tell you what he thinks you want to hear, or who knows.
OLD can be frustrating in cases like this, but we have to realize we're dealing with complete strangers and it's always a crap shoot.
You mentioned about him calling you, and I hope it was your cell phone number you gave him and not your land line number (because if your number is listed, he can find out where you live). Always be cautious about giving out personal information until you have dated someone for awhile and feel safe.
Keep us posted on how this goes, and good luck!
This can be quite the common story with OLD. You have a great meet and the guy/girl seems very interested and then you don't ever hear back from them or when you do quite a bit of time has passed. There could millions of reasons he hasn't called or contacted you. He may have been living in the moment and was very interested on the day of your meet and later on got distracted or he may have a different expectation of how often contact should occur. Keep doing your regular OLD routine and see if he contacts you again, if not, you know he is not interested and then you can put this to rest. You might even send an email and just ask how things are going and mention you haven't heard from him and you were just wondering or whatever. But remember no more than one email! Don't chase him you will only look desperate. If the two of you do begin seeing each other with regularity you can then negotiate expectations on contact.
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
Yes, I had a similar thing happen last spring. I had a seemingly great first meet with a guy, and we talked about doing it again, and then...nothing. I was pretty surprised, so when I hadn't heard from him for almost a week, I emailed him a very light, hey how's your week going, I had a great time meeting you, let me know if you'd like to do it again sometime type of email. I heard back from him right away and we set up another date, which was also a lot of fun. Then the same thing happened and I had to prod him AGAIN. We ended up going out about 5 times, but almost every time I had to prod him into making plans. And then he ghosted on me! So he wasn't all that interested in me after all and I kind of wish I hadn't bothered to keep things going.
So--while I don't think you sending one email will hurt anything, it may not help, either. You still won't know how interested he is in you. My experience is that if a guy is really interested, he'll call very soon after your first date and ask you out again, if not ask while you're on that first date. Acting interested while he's out with you is apparently not something you can take as actual interest, LOL! (I'm being sarcastic but there's an element of truth to it, unfortunately!)
Sheri
Good luck with this one. I think most people that have done OLD for a while have similar stories and like Sheri said, that maybe showing an interest on a date does not mean the guy is really interested. As if dating needed to be any harder! Hang in there though and try to have fun!
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
What should you do? About what? About the guy who's obviously showing you how into you he is?
Look, if he wants to go out with you, he'll do something to make that happen. He did it once, he can do it again. If he doesn't do anything to make that happen, well, he's not into you enough for you to be worried about it.
HJNTIY. What you should do is move on.
Yes, your right about this, but what drives me crazy is these guys that are all into you one minute and then start playing games with you the next.
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You need to go get a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You". You think guys are playing games, but they're not playing games- they're just not into you. Because you're into THEM, you're thinking they're "playing games" because you are trying to put your thinking into their heads.
The book explains that a guy who does that kind of thing- flake out on calling, whatever- isn't really playing games to play games. (Believe it or not, not all men are evil jerks.) They're just not into you, but they don't want to tell you THAT, so they do the weird/stupid stuff. (I've been there, done that.)
I first read HJNTIY when a female friend of mine handed me the book and said "you need to read this because you have been this guy."
Actually, I was that guy with HER when we dated, but since she was an old family friend she put up with it and is still my friend today anyway. The fact that she married a really great guy helps a lot, he's one of my best friends now.
She told me that I had to quit being that guy and that she knew that I wasn't doing that kind of stuff to "play games" but because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. She was right. She also said that if I kept doing it she would have her husband beat me up but I think she was kidding. I hope so anyway!
So now if I am not into a woman, I don't pull the "no calling" or off-on-off kind of stuff, I just say "I don't think we have a future" or something like that.
And the reason you need to get the book and read it and believe it is because then you'll know that it is stupid for you to put any energy into a guy that treats you that way, because he's just not that into you!
As soon as guy seems to be playing games just know that he's not into you and move on down the road! You don't have to be mean- you just say "no thanks" if he does call again or something.
Better to find out nice and early if a guy is into you or not, because then you move on to the next guy earlier. Sooner or later you'll find the right one.
Thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying and I do have this book, but I am probably one of the few people that really don't care for the book that much as I think it oversimplifies things. If a guy is clearly not into a woman he usually in my experience sends out these signals immediately. If one minute the guy is telling you how nice and pretty you are a definitely wants to go out again and you feel a clear vibe that this is truthful at the time and the next he is playing games sometimes there is another reason like he just wanted sex and didn't get it, has a girlfriend or wife he hasn't told you about etc. I guess it really doesn't matter if he calls me again. I need to move on and find someone that appreciates me I guess. I really thought that this guy was nice but I guess I was fooled again. I really don't think it is nice to make plans with someone and then blow them off. It is hard not to take it personally though. If he thought I was pretty and nice I guess I really don't understand why he wouldn't want to go out with me again. I need to move on though.
Thanks
I think HJNTIY oversimplifies things also. I think it's not a clear "he's interested" versus "he is not interested." It's more that there are degrees of interest and the crucial question is "is he interested enough to make an effort?"
As the words "not that interested" suggest, it's really a matter of degree. Personally, I think a guy is just ambivalent sometimes.
I don't find that odd. I am ambivalent many times. It's not playing games; it's getting caught up in the moment.
So, yeah, the book has some important insights, but we need to think of "not that into you" as part of a sort of progression:
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Deciding whether a guy falls into "kind of" or "not that" into you can be tricky. Me, I always opt for the pessimistic approach. He's probably not that into you if he doesn't take the trouble to contact you, even though there may be some extenuating circumstances (he's sick, he's shy, he's overworked).
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