He answered another ad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
He answered another ad...
9
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 10:39am

Hi alll, I've been dating a great guy for 5 weeks now, we never really did have an "exclusive" talk, however, being I talk to him every nite on the phone & spend weekends by him, I assumed we were exclusive (esp. cause he called me his girlfriend & wanted to firm up plans for valentines)...well, anyway, I set up a phony ad in CL - I know - i know, i shouldn't have but, I just wanted to see if he would answer it...well he did and his reponse to my fake ad was "hes missing someone special in his life"...

please help me out here girls - should i move on? or is it too soon and give him another chance??

Ohhh, heres the kicker, he answered this phony ad last nite as I was driving to his house - unbelievable, I'm really really hurt

Edited 2/2/2007 10:40 am ET by julieann72006




Edited 2/2/2007 10:41 am ET by julieann72006
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:15am

OK, you are wrong on so many levels here it is hard to know where to start. But I'll give it a try.

First, NEVER "assume" you are exclusive with someone. NEVER. Even if they are calling you their girlfriend and making plans for Valentines Day. It still does NOT equal an exclusive relationship. You talk about being exclusive and what that means to both of you. Because you are not exclusive, he has a right to date anyone he wants and to answer any ad on any site he wants.

Second, the setting up the phony ad on CL to trap him was a world of wrong. You are accusing him of being dishonest but you are also being dishonest. He is not being dishonest because he has a right to date anyone he wants and answer any ad he wants because you two are not exclusive. The fact that he answered it while you were on the way to his house is totally irrelevant. You're not exclusive. I read these posts of women who try to trap guys by setting up fake ads and I wonder how that makes them any better than the man they are trying to trap.

Honestly, he's done nothing wrong because he has not promised you an exclusive relationship. He's thrown some words around about you being his girlfriend and about Valentine's Day and you chose to make your own conclusions. As it is, you are probably going to drive yourself nuts over this. So it's either time to bring up being exclusive with him if that's what you want or to accept that you are not yet exclusive and that he might very well be dating other women and that at least he's still looking for them until you DO have that talk.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:28am
Wow...thank you thank you for taking the time out to answer me, your 100% right,I never really looked at it that way, but thank you again
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 3:50am
Who said women weren't smart!!
Could you trust him again after this?
People send out private investigators and decoys to see if their partners are being faithful you just chose the cheaper option

Tell him what you did then dump him
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:37am

You know, as wrong as it was to post the fake ad... and as much as I agree with the OP about you weren't exclusive, he (and you) have every right to be dating others, and the fake ad is lying to him too.... it's really gotta suck seeing his response to your *ad*, particularly the "missing someone special in his life".

Can you file this away, and still see him, or will it eat at you? Can you trust him? What made you feel you had to place the fake ad? Was it something to do with your own stuff? or his? How did you know he would take the bait? Did you email him first, set it up so he *had* to answer???

Can you back up and take things slower until you gain the trust again? Or do you need to cut your losses, learn from it, and move on?

Best of luck to you!
zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 10:14am

I agree with Vexer on this. Though, I can see how you would be hurt. Did something happen to make you think he wasn't being exclusive with you? What made you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 10:49am

Umm, OK. No one ever said women were not smart. They were not exclusive - she assumed they were. While he perhaps said things that led her to believe they were, they were not and she should not have assumed so without having a discussion. She has a right to be hurt because she did think they were exclusive, but what she did was dishonest and wrong. Because they are not actually exclusive, him being "faithful" is not even a factor here. He's done nothing wrong based on the current boundaries of their relationship.

What she has to decide now is whether she can get over this and know that he might still be looking, ask him for an exclusive relationship or move on knowing that this guy might not be the one for her. But he did not "cheat" on her as they are not exclusive until they both TALK about it and AGREE to it.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 10:53am

Definitely agreed. She does have a right to feel hurt. He did things that seemed as if they were exclusive and she made assumptions based on that. Unfortunatley those assumptions turned out to not be true - you know what they say about when you ASSUME - you make and A$$ out of U and ME.

A break is a good suggestion. As is dating other people. Or if the OP really IS ready for commitment, maybe it's time for the talk. He could be looking for others simply because they haven't talked about being exclusive yet. Or maybe not. But it's a lesson learned in why we shouldn't assume exclusivity. Unfortunate, but true.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:08pm

There are a number of things in this thread.

Vexer's partly right- you can NEVER assume that you're "exclusive". You can be sleeping together or whatever, but you shouldn't assume it unless/until you have a specific talk about it.

And you were being sneaky in posting the ad.

That said, you shoudl move on. You already know what you need to know; you were feeling like this guy and you were exclusive, but you also felt suspicious enough to post an ad- and sure enough, your guess was correct. He's shopping.

Also, he frigging TOLD you that he doesn't have anyone special in his life.

Do you need a flashing billboard in your driveway? It would say HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. After five weeks with you, and you thinking this was a special deal, if he's still out shopping he's not into you.

Yeah, he told you that by answering another ad, but that means one of two things:

either you ARE someone special to him (in which case he's a liar AND a cheater, because he was lying to the fake girl he thought he was writing to AND he was cheating on you by still shopping for girls)...

or you are NOT someone special to him (in which case he's not a liar OR a cheater, so that's good, but it's still harsh because it means that you and him have very different ideas about where you guys are at in your relationship.)

The moral of the story? HJNTIY and until you have a talk about being exclusive, you're not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:21pm
What HE did was wrong and dishonest. He just got found out
I've never heard of such a thing as having to have an "exclusive talk" just so your guy doesn't cheat on you;being called a girlfriend,making plans and talking every night on the phone is a pretty good indication of assuming your exclusive.
Just because they didn't have the "exclusive talk" doesn't excuse what he did.
I mean he's answering the ad when she's on her way over to his place!!
All this psycho analysing is just making excuses for him as far as I'm concerned.
I've done it myself and got bitten.
Trust your gut feeling
I think we may have to agree to disagree on this one