Do multiple dating sites at once?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Do multiple dating sites at once?
7
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:55pm

Hi, I've been lurking on this board for a few weeks now and I feel like I'm friends with all of you already, based on our similar experiences with OLD. Here's some info about me: I'm 36, was dating someone for 3 years, living together after 1.5 years, and engaged after 2.5 years. We got engaged last May and were supposed to be married this May, but he dumped me in September. Apparently, he thinks it's okay to spend multiple nights drinking with friends, spend the other nights on the computer or at class, and spend no time with me, not have sex, or show any affection. The ring was supposed to be enough. He also didn't think it was necessary to call if he was going to be 2 hours late. And no, he wasn't cheating, he is just an immature and insecure jerk who has intimacy issues and takes depression meds.

Anyway, I just signed up for match about 3 weeks ago and am having the same experiences as all of you (whack jobs, disappearing acts, etc.). I am not even sure I'm ready for anything serious yet, but I thought I'd try anyway and see what happens. My question, though, is if it makes sense to be on more than one site at the same time to improve my chances? Should I do both eharmony and match, or should I wait until my subscription expires on match? What are your experiences?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:07pm

If you decide to do multiple dating sites at once, you'll be in good company since you'll probably see some of the same faces on more than one site.

I've been on several at a time, but the downside is the process caused me to reach burn-out faster.

Good luck!

~H

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 4:25pm

I have only done one site at a time simply because it was too much for me to try to keep up with, but like the previous poster said, in my area, a lot of the men on Match were on all of the other sites that I looked at to. I saw a lot of familiar faces. However, that may not be true in other areas of the country (I live in Fl.) I would look through the sites and join the one(s)with the most men who seem to be matches for you. It can't hurt!

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:48am

I'm in my mid-forties and the first few years after my divorce, I was way too focused on rebuilding my life---and my kids' lives---to even think about dating. I met a man the old-fashioned way---in church---and he turned out to be a player who strung me along for several months before I got a clue. He told me that his reason for not wanting to get involved with me was because he was still hung up over two women he'd met online and dated briefly. Whatever!

When things were totally over with this guy, I decided to do online dating because, if it was good enough for him it was good enough for me. I signed up for eHarmony with very high hopes. I found it to be rather heartbreaking because I had such high expectations (probably unrealistic) for the men with whom I was matched. One guy wanted a woman who was very athletic (so why was he looking on eHarmony and not in the gym?) and the other had completely different values from me. I also specified that I was looking for a man with whom I could have intelligent conversation and I got matched with a high school grad who couldn't spell (and lived halfway across the country.)

After these experiences, I decided to broaden my horizons and sign up with Match. Actually, I ran across someone that I knew and thought it would be tacky just to call him and tell him I saw his profile, so I signed up for the service, figuring that I would get to know him and maybe meet some other new people. I met some nice men, some real jerks, and---well, I'm getting ahead of my story.

In the meantime, I tried a couple of free (or low cost) Christian dating sites. One of them was horrible! I got the weirdest emails, one from a high school kid who wanted friends (hello, ever hear of MySpace?), a poem composed in the wee hours of the night (and probably sent to dozens of other women) and a man from another state telling me that he didn't think a distance of a thousand or so miles was all that insurmountable. Oh-kay! I cancelled my subscription within twelve hours of signing up for that service (and it didn't offer a refund---money spent on a life lesson, I guess!) I did meet a local man on a free Christian site and, on another free site, a couple of gentlemen who lived in other states with whom I could have become email buds or maybe had a LDR.

I was ready to give it up because I was starting a new job that would occupy most of my time and I thought that I should put dating on hold until things were not so hectic. Then I got an email from a really nice guy. We emailed for about a week or so and then he mentioned that maybe we could get together sometime for coffee. He was upfront with me and said that he was already interested in another woman he'd met online but wanted to be friends with me. I was fine with that---I didn't want the hassle of a relationship when my career demands were so high. After two dates, the woman ghosted on him. Then he met another woman online and thought he'd have more in common with her than with me. (This was a guy who said he was comfortable dating only one person at a time---he didn't like the idea of trying to juggle several dates at once---and I thought, oh, d*mn, why is he interested in this other woman and not me?) We set up a coffee date one afternoon, just to kill some time and get acquainted as friends and---SPARKS FLEW. We sat in the coffee shop and talked for at least three hours. At one point I had to go to the bathroom and when I was in there, I was wondering why my heart was pounding so fast---after all, this guy was just going to be a friend. When I got out of the bathroom and saw him sitting in our booth, drinking another cup of tea, I just felt my face light up. I hadn't felt that way about anyone in years. He was from out of town and had a date with the second woman for dinner that evening and, because he isn't the type to stand someone up, he did go. But the date was awful because he was rather preoccupied with me! He wondered if he had made a mistake by being interested in the second woman over me. (Uh, YES! She was kind of desperate and seemed more interested in hooking a man---any man---than in forming a loving relationship with any one man in particular.)

He called me, asked if we could rethink "just being friends" and start dating and I said yes. After a week or so, because we're both more comfortable dating one person at a time, he asked if we could be exclusive and suggested removing our profiles. His was gone by the very next morning.

We kept dating, calling, emailing, spending all our free time together. We did things, we hung out, I met his friends and colleagues and he met mine. He helped me through the adjustment period with my career and was my rock when I had to end a long-standing friendship and when I realized that I had to change churches. The relationship blossomed. My kids grew to love him and he grew to love them. I love his dogs and he loves my cats. Eventually he had another question to ask me---would I marry him? Of course I said yes.

He truly is my best friend and my soulmate. I did NOT think I would find someone like him---especially not online. But we both took a risk and it was well worthwhile.

BTW, the reason he thought that we would only be friends was because of something I had written in my profile indicating that my political beliefs might be radically different from his. We discovered very quickly that our values and beliefs are very similar and that we had far more in common than our profiles would have indicated. I think, though, that our starting off as "friends" was helpful because neither of us felt pressured. He was a veteran of Yahoo Personals and I had been online long enough to realize that there always were new people to meet, so neither of us felt desperate. He was a bit like a kid in the candy shop and was rather enjoying the attention and winks he was receiving. Then again, so was I.

So really, it can happen and you can find the right person online. Just try to keep things light, don't take rejection too personally (I know, it's hard and that's why I hated eHarmony), and don't be so desperate that you throw yourself at a man simply because he's wearing pants.

Best of luck!

Moogie

PS: I didn't like eHarmony, but I felt that Neil Clark Warren's books were helpful, especially the latest one, "Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons". The book encourages you to consider your "must haves" and "can't stands" and it really helps to weed out people who are genuinely wrong for you. My fiance so fits my "must have" list that it's almost scary! Again, good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:14pm

In my opinion, you shouldn't use ANY dating services... yet. Here's why.

You are definitely NOT over the last guy. Your post has the subject of multiple dating sites at once, but that wasn't what you thought was most important to talk about; the most important thing, that you led off with, was to tell us what a crappy, lousy bum you were most previously with.

Yeah, he sounds like a crappy, lousy bum, but if that's your frame of mind (and it obviously is right now) you're not going to be a lot of fun for anyone to date. I'm a guy and I wouldn't want to date you.

So I think you shouldn't go on any services yet and get the last moron out of your head a bit more before you jump back into the pool.

Then... sure, go ahead and use multiple sites if you want. Just know that the bigger services- Yahoo and Match- are going to mostly have the same customers. If you want to really cast a wider net you have to use services that market themselves to different groups of people- like EHarmony for the more church-going crowd, Match for a more general audience, CraigsList for... well, whoever it is that goes on CL.

Good luck. You sound like you deserve happiness, but your bitterness at the ex is blocking that out right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:25pm

Hi there,


I was on a few dating sites when I first started, but it's too time consuming. Simplifying down to one site was good for me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:38pm
That is such a nice story! Thank you and congratulations!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 4:28am

You are so welcome! I never would have believed that I would have found a husband online. Shoot, it's risky enough for me to buy something on eBay! LOL!

Best of luck to you. Nice men are out there and they are worth the wait.

Moogie