a call after the first date

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
a call after the first date
41
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:09pm

About a month ago I got a wink from this great guy I met on Match.com. Last Tuesday we met for the first time for drinks (we are both divorced and in our late 40’s). He was very intrigue by me (that is what he said). He gave me so many compliments, thought I’m a very attractive woman and look much younger than my age. Told me about his parents, brother, son, their names, where they live. Wanted to know all about my kids, parents, their names, where they live etc – we had a lot in common. Said he loved my smile, the smell of my hair (he kept smelling me). He asked me if I’m comfortable, if I want to have dinner with him and order appetizers. He even fed me and said: “don’t you think we have a little chemistry here”. He was looking at me all the whole time and said he fills so great around me that he doesn’t want to leave. He even talked about the future. He escort me to my car and said we will be in touch soon. He gave me a kiss on my lips. The next day (Wednesday), around noon time I sent him an email (via Match) -- thanking him for a great evening and said that I hope we can do it again. Wednesday night he looked at my profile again, but didn’t email me back.

So what is the deal here? I don’t get it. I thought the guy was so into me. Why do you think he didn’t call or email yet – did he lose interest? I’m really confuse. The man was so captivated by me the whole evening – what is going on?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 6:46pm

Unfortunately this is all too common--a great first date and then *nothing*. Read karalyn2005's thread and the responses about basically the same thing happening.

I will say, though, that I'm pretty skeptical of men who are *that* enthusiastic--it doesn't feel genuine--too good to be true, KWIM? A guy has to SHOW me his interest, over time, not just TELL me.

Of course, it could just be that he likes to take his time between dates--so you may still hear from him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 7:09pm
I understand he is taking his time and might be dating other women. But why be so attentive, accommodating if you are not going to follow through on another date. He admitted that he didn’t have many great first dates and he is burned from online dating and will terminating his membership on Match on 2/4 (this coming Sunday). He did view my profile on Match last Wednesday night (the night after our date and the day I sent him the thank you email) but didn’t respond to my email. On our date last Tuesday he asked me if I thought we had a connection and I said yes. He responded – you’re saying that now but when you get home you will change your mind. That is why I sent him the thank you email to assure him I'm still interested.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 8:13pm

Did you read the other thread I mentioned?

This type of thing happens all the time, I'm afraid. Trying to figure out why will just drive you crazy. Do your best to let it go--if he calls, great, if not, you need to just chalk it up to experience. If nothing else, this is a good lesson that you need to take EVERYTHING a guy says early on with a HUGE, huge grain of salt.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 8:59pm

He's good at what he does. That's the way I see it. Maybe he thought he could score some more romance or have sex on the first date by acting that way.


It is common for guys to ghost though even when the date seemed to go amazingly well. That's why I don't get too excited too early, and like sheri said it's kind of a red flag if a guy acts that into you so quickly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:33pm

Do you mean last Tuesday, like Jan 30th? Or last Tuesday, like Jan 23rd, over a week and a half ago? (It looks like you wrote this message on Friday, Feb 2.

If it was just a couple of days, give it another couple of days.

If it was a week and a few days, move on. He's Just Not That Into You. And he's obviously showing it, by not calling.

The longest- the absolute longest- I've ever gone before calling a woman that I was INTO was maybe 4 or 5 days. Anything past a week, he's not into you, period (unless he left the country or something).

Even if he's on a business trip in another part of the country, he can call- long distance is almost meaningless in today's world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 12:21pm

hjntiy, thanks for your input. Would you please clarify to me and all the girls who had the same experience - why a man who seem so interested, intrigue and doesnt want to end the date and prolong it as much as he could, compliment, give details about his life (I know all his history, details that you share only with someone special) would not follow through. I WILL NOT share or ask so many detail questions about family, names, where they live, ages etc. with someone I'm not interested with. Maybe you can make us (girls) understand this male mystery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 7:07pm
Yes I would also like to know the answer to this. Why are men acting really into you one minute and then the next week ignore you. I really don't get this as it has happened to me more than once. It is very confusing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 9:09pm

Freakin' frustrating!!!

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 9:22pm
yes,
it is like they can't make their minds up and don't know what they want. To me either you are interested or your not. To be showing alot of interest one monute and then they ignore you the next makes no sense to me and never will!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:26am

Would you please clarify to me and all the girls who had the same experience - why a man who seem so interested, intrigue and doesnt want to end the date and prolong it as much as he could, compliment, give details about his life (I know all his history, details that you share only with someone special) would not follow through.

_________________

That's a good question. Short answer: I don't know.

Long answer: I think we (guys) do it because we are trained to not be mean, because we are just open and don't really realize how women see things, because we're nuts. Lots of reasons why we maybe do it, no firm answers.

I do think that there's a ton of truth in the book "HJNTIY" (obviously) and the book's theory is that guys just don't want to be a jerk- so they do those things, like talk to someone with interest, share details of their lives, etc without even really meaning to "lead a girl on" or anything like that.

On a recent out-of-town ski trip with my gf, I flirted with a different girl right in front of my gf! And you know what? I didn't even mean to. It was an accident.

I know that sounds like "It was an accident, I didn't mean to sleep with her" but it's true. What happened is that we were on the bus to go home and the girl realized her water bottle was empty. She wondered out loud if she had time to run in and grab some more water.

I said "look, just zip in to the bar and sweet-talk the bartender a little bit and ask him where a fountain is to fill your bottle. He'll see a pretty blonde girl asking him for help and I guarantee he'll fill it up for you!"

She ran in to see and wound up coming out with not one, but two free bottles of water (which is amazing because it was a Hilton and they charged us up the river for everything, but never mind) that she got from the bellboy.

Later my gf told me that I was flirting with the girl and I said "I was NOT flirting with her!" and my gf said that I did it without even realizing it when I said the girl was pretty.

I honestly wasn't being flirty; I was just saying it how I saw it, the girl is pretty, she'll ask and she'll get help. And I was right, too.

So here's a spot where a guy (me) can be clueless (I am) about how we might say something that we mean one way but is taken by women the other way. My gf also said that the girl had asked about me to see if I was single, earlier in the trip.

I was glad my gf interepreted what I said into "womantalk" for me, because I never saw it like that until she mentioned it and now I can kind of see how it would come across that way. Lucky for me my gf is reasonable and knows I'm clueless!

So my point in all this is to say that it is probably just a big difference between men and women. Men often don't worry about telling personal details; who cares? Our friends know about them already and we don't have as much fear of stalkers as women do (unless we're old like me and remember the movie "Fatal Attraction".)

So to a guy, having a date and being what we think is just friendly can seem to a woman like we're all interested in her when we're really not.

If you ladies look at your question, it's clear. You ask "why would a guy act like that if he's not interested or why would he flake out later?"

The assumption you're making is that he's Into You in the FIRST place, just from the way he might talk. That, to me, is a bad assumption.

My advice to women is to give it at least a couple of dates and such, and see how he acts. Like the book says, if a guy is into you, he'll show it for real. Until he has, you don't know what he's really thinking (just like he'll never really know what YOU are thinking, because most guys are like me- clueless.)

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