I'm Not Ready, But He is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
I'm Not Ready, But He is!
5
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 8:48pm

I am dating a wonderful man I met online about three months ago. He treats me better than anyone I've dated before; he is sincere, honest, reliable, responsible, etc., etc. So what's the problem you ask? The problem is that I like him, but that's as far as it goes for me....and he on the other hand is already feeling very strongly for me and wants us to continue dating for a long, long time. I have explained to him that I like him a lot, as a friend, but not ready for "full blown romance" yet. He is being extremely patient, but I feel like I'm giving him the short end of the stick. I've been honest and upfront with him, and I am not the kind to fake it, or to use someone for my personal gains.

I would love to really "feel" passion for him, but if it's not there, it's not there. He is attractive, but I don't feel any chemistry, not the way he does for me. As far as a friend, he is great, and I enjoy spending time with him, and we share a lot of the same interests; however, that is as far as it goes.

He says he is willing to be patient for as long as it takes. But, the way I feel right now, I just don't see me falling in love with him.

What would you do in this case? Break it off or keep dating him because he is a nice guy? I am not looking for anyone else, and if I do stop seeing him, I doubt I would be back online looking for someone else. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not seeing him just because there is no one else on the sidelines.

Callie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:28pm

Ugh, I know how frustrating that is! I think you need to be completely honest with him, rather than feeding him the line of not being "ready" yet--that is, if you want to keep seeing him. That at least gives him full disclosure, and he can make up his own mind about whether he's cool with that, or not. If you don't want to lay it on the line with him and give him the choice, then break it off.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:46pm

Thanks for you advice! What I told him was that I am not at the level of being romantically involved with him as he is with me; and that I didn't know if and when I would be, and would not offer false hopes. And, that I wanted him to be able to receive as much or more than he is giving to me.

I have shared with him that I do not feel love at this stage. Would I feel love for him down the road? I have no idea, and I was honest about that as well.

I said that I wanted him to let me know his thoughts, his needs, etc., and to not short change himself.

He keeps telling me that he is satisfied to have my friendship because he loves being with me so much (maybe I'm the one who's nuts?).

I have been married before and had the ultimate passion, but the marriage itself was a disaster from the get-go...I fell in lust more than in love.

So, I'm wondering: If he is willing to continue things as they are, would I build a bond with him that isn't full of passion now, but perhaps could develop into a more mature passion based on a healthy relationship?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:55pm

Hmm, I've never had felt romantic passion for someone where I didn't feel it pretty much right from the start, so I'd say if you don't feel it for him after three months, that ship has sailed. I've heard of people not feeling it right away but I've not heard of a case where it happened *that* long after the fact. Maybe some other posters will have other experiences to share.

But never say never, I guess...and if he's willing to take the risk, then so be it. I would be a little more clear with him however, that you don't think it's very likely to happen, if you haven't already done so.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:21am

I asked him last evening exactly where he felt he was in our "friendship", and where he wanted it to go, etc. He explained that he views me as a very good friend, an excellent companion and a lot of fun to be with. He stated he has no expectations and doesn't expect any commitments, he just would like us to continue enjoy sharing time together.

As far as "love" and "passion", he said he is not in love with me, and for passion, he said that he feels a passion for me, but not to the point that he is consumed with it. He values what we have now more than anything.

I think it's time to just enjoy each other and for me to stop fretting about what I don't feel. I think I'm the one making too big a deal out of all of this, and that I was reading too much into what I imagined he was thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:36am

For what it's worth, my experience has always been that if I like a guy and he likes me, even if there is no "great lust and passion" from the beginning, the relationship has a good chance of working out. I was married for 20 years (15+ of them happy) to a man for whom I did not feel a huge romantic passion when we met. I liked him. I found him attractive, but more in a general way of "this is a cute guy" than "boy, this guy sweeps me off my feet!" In time, however, he became the most important person in my life and I was willing to put up with a lot from him because we had such a loving, satisfactory relationship in other ways.

The liking the guy and feeling that you have in common things that will help you spend pleasant time together is the important thing. That great romantic passion sometimes doesn't last as long as the "flirting friendship" does.

elsa