I really hate dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
I really hate dating.
33
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:46pm

My yahoo membership is about to expire and I am about to cancel it. I have had very few dates out of it, and none of the men turning up in my searches right now look promising.

I met two guys through yahoo and corresponded with at least a dozen --none of whom worked out. I could have met more guys--I have just not been interested in them and just let it go about meeting.

I have had 4 dates with "Sean," whom I met through a local match site. He is the only guy my age who has approached me through that site, but I've been propositioned by two 20-somethings including one who assured me he was "very discreet."

Sean has been ill a lot (right now he has bronchitis) so I don't know if the reason he is not showing more interest in me is illness or what. We were supposed to go out on Sunday and then maybe watch the Superbowl but he phoned in the morning, obviously sick. He did not go into work on Monday, but he was there today. However, he and I have only "spoken" in IM very briefly yesterday evening and briefly also this morning.

I think if he were more interested, he would have made more of an effort to talk to me yesterday or today.

Dating is so much stress.

I'm tired, and I haven't been doing it for long. How can those of you who have been doing it for years not go crazy?

Elsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 5:48am

I understand your frustration. OLD can be a long-term trial and error situation; and yet for some it seems to pan out right away.

We need to remember that we really don't know who we're corresponding with on the dating sight; if they are truly serious about dating, just playing games, or what the their intentions are.

I was on several different dating sites over the last 3 years and dated a couple of men for a brief time. Currently I am dating someone I met online about 3 months ago, but not sure where it will lead.

Finding the person who is right for us is not an easy task; and it definitely isn't worth any of us getting stressed out over...we deserve to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

Callie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:20am

Elsa,
I can so relate to what you are saying. I have only been doing OLD for a short time and already feel burnt out. I don't know how people do it for years. It is hard. Most of the guys that I am talking to and meeting are playing games. They remind me of the type of guys that I meet in bars that just want to talk to as many woman as they can with no commitments or relationships. I am talking to this one guy through IM and he won't give me his phone number so I can call and talk to him. To me this is a red flag, so I will probably forget about him. After my most recent experience I really want to talk to the guy a little more and find out if he is serious and looking for the same thing as myself. I guess I expected more men that were serious.

Karalyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:05am

Elsa,

I hear you, and I've been OLD for only about 6 weeks and I am signed up on 3 different sites, including Yahoo. I've corresponded with several, but I have yet to have even a coffee date. Mostly, they just ghost. I've received tons of those canned winks and icebreakers, which annoy me no end as they take no effort and, to me, are proof of little interest. Still, I responded to the ones I thought might interest me and most times, never heard back. A couple of guys asked to call me, but then they did not. After reading this board on a regular basis, I've learned not to take this stuff too personally...most of the time.

I try to keep a positive attitude, try to keep moving on, try not to think my age (52) or body type makes OLD a pointless exercise, try to remember that I, indeed, have a lot to offer and share. I know OLD is a numbers game and I need to keep putting myself out there as well as meet people through other means. Still, after just six weeks of OLD, I'm weary. I'm thinking of taking a week or 2 off (I still have some time left on my subscriptions) and try again.

Still, I, too, want to know how all you long-time online daters manage to stay with it over the long haul?

Thanks.

Judy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:23am

Luckily I have a busy life, but trying to have a SOCIAL life after getting divorced when you are over 50 is not easy. I keep telling myself I shouldn't be so picky about the guys I meet/date, but I end up being picky anyway. Oh well.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:36am

I haven't actually run into many "players." I've had "improper propositions," and initial e-mails from guys I didn't trust, and I've had several guys "ghost" after seeming very promising in e-mail (or on the phone), but none of the guys I've actually met in person has seemed to be a "player." In all cases, the decision not to go out with the guy again has been mine (or in one case obviously mutual). Mostly I feel that the guys are just either not that interesting to me or so full of baggage that they are not worth my effort.

But what it comes down to is that it is not very hopeful out there.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:55am

Hi Judy,

I too have the "age and body type" problem. I'm fifty-one and plump. I did Match for about four or five months last spring and summer (I ended up cancelling before my membership was up) and Chemistry (which I got for free) for the same amount of time, and also e-harmony (very briefly--I didn't like it). Now I've been doing Yahoo since November. I'm also on Lavalife (where nothing happens for my age group) and I've signed up for "free" memberships on other sites without expecting much.

One site I enjoy, though not for meeting possible dates, is OkCupid. The questions are fun, and I often get IM's or e-mails from interesting guys of all ages from all over the country. It's not the sort of set-up where I think I'll meet anyone, but it serves to pass the time in its own right. Yahoo and Match are just meat markets. And I'm on a bare-bones local site which is where I met the guy I call Sean, who turned out to be working across the street from me.

My first few weeks on Match I had two guys plan dates that never happened. One guy actually talked to me on the phone, seemed to have a good time and then cancelled the next morning, hours before our "meet for lunch" date. The second guy discussed with me the restaurant, what we would order, etc. but didn't set a date. Then, as the time we'd agreed to meet got closer, he just disappeared. A funny thing about this guy is he has turned up on Yahoo and keeps looking at my profile. Not a word from him though, which is just as well because I am not going to pay any attention to him.

I'm probably going to take a break for a few months now, maybe start again in April or May. I'll keep the local site (which cost me $25 to join for a whole year) and I won't close down the lavalife account (which is free unless I want to contact someone) and I'll go on playing with OkCupid, but none of that is likely to get me dates.

What I need is to find time to be more involved in things locally and forget about dating. If I stay busy and develop more of a social life, maybe I'll find someone or maybe I won't care if I don't.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:48am

Trust me, I have been through just about every dating scenario good and bad you can think of.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:09pm
It is tough and I do hear that it gets harder the older you get but it's not impossible because you hear stories everywhere of people in their 50's, 60's and up finding love. As far as a social life it's ok to hang with the younger crowd for friends (30's/40's) too because at this point I think the lines are blurred with things in common when you hit your 30s and up. I find sometimes I have more in common with people in their 50s than I do with early 20s. Online dating is frustrating. I did it for years between relationships and this last time before I met my boyfriend I did it for at least 8-10 months with breaks here and there and it does take patience and I did go crazy as so many people on this board and the singles board can remember lol. I had a quite few negative posts last year and people had to kick me in the a** a few times so that I could remain more positive and not give up and keep going. It's hard and it takes a VERY tough skin to keep going for several months or more with dating. But maybe the more you go through the tougher you get I think??
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:18pm

That's a good question! Maybe I really am crazy and just don't realize it, ha!

Having dated now on and off for about 9 years since my last LTR ended (the "offs" were both breaks I took and a number of short-term relationships lasting between about 2-6 months each), I honestly don't know how I've managed to maintain my sanity and more importantly, my optimism. And even with all the crap I've been through, I am still, somehow, optimistic.

But the main thing that keeps me going is this: yeah, dating sucks, but the alternative, being alone, is worse, at least it is to me. Dating may suck but if one doesn't want to be alone, it's all we have. Don't get me wrong: I really like my life and have a lot of great stuff going on, and I *love* spending time with myself. It's not that I can't be alone, it's that I would prefer to have companionship and romantic love and affection.

But honestly, I'm getting closer to the point where being alone isn't sounding all that bad...it sure would be easier than dealing with the disappointment, stress, etc. I've posted this before, but there's definitely a part of me that wishes I could let go of that desire for companionship and affection. Life would be far easier if I could.

Anyway, I do understand where you're coming from and can totally empathize.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:08pm
Don't mean to hijack your post Elarisa but I have a question for you SP. Did it take you awhile to develop the self-confidence and perserverance to just brush things off of your shoulders when you are single or did you always have that in you? I had always admired people that could look at things the way you do but never quite got to that exact point. I had been getting better and better as each month went by but never got the point where I could just snap my fingers and let any man who was not worth my time go quickly. I let them go eventually but not quickly enough, and I also felt a little more lonely than I would have liked when I didn't have a partner. I know that if things don't work between me and my current boyfriend, I would want to live a happier single life than I had before I met him. Sometimes it takes work to become so independent and self-sufficient that you are really ok with being single and can be happy with it and it has been definate work for me and not easy work at that.

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