CL Date.. Honest Advice Plz.
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:48pm |
Ok so about 2 weeks ago I made a post on CL, nothing too sexy, no pic, just an honest, I'm a 20-something this is what I like to do, looking for friends to chat with, etc. Got a ton of odd responses, 2 horrible dates, 3 unsolicited pictures of male genitalia, several continuing discussions, etc.
In particular, "Dan" and I seemed to have alot in common, similar education, interests, background, sense of humor, etc. He's a few but not too many years older than me. We exchanged photos and had two several hour long AIM chats last week. On Tuesday when I got home from work, we started AIM chatting again, he asked me out. Once we compared schedules, it seemed like that night would be the only night that would work for both of us for 3 weeks as we're both busy professionals and he needs to be out of town for a few days. I enjoy a little spontaneity, so I was up for it. He suggested we meet at a jazz club that's between our two places for 9PM drinks (and he had no idea I even like jazz, but it happens to be my favorite place in the city!)
It was a great evening, good music, excellent conversation, everything just clicked. Between sets we really got to talking, so once the band started up again, we wanted to go somewhere where we could talk without annoying folks around us. We ended up getting in his car (which I was a tiny bit apprehensive about) and driving a few blocks to the beach. We talked for a bit longer. He asked if he could kiss me, I still don't know why guys do that? We kissed. Within 5 min, we were making out like teenagers. Nothing beyond a PG13 rating, but it was intense. He drove me back to my car, and said he would definitely call me before the weekend. In total, the date lasted 4h.
Last night at about midnight, he comes online (I always have AIM on in the background, guess it's something about being this age). We start talking, again, a very charged, but pleasant conversation. He says he wants to see me before he leaves. Again, we drag out our calendars, and the only time available is late late on Friday, meaning we'd have to meet at mine or his place where I won't have sex with him, but most likely we wouldn't end up baking cookies and knitting socks.
I'm a modern woman (think miranda from sex&the city). Sex and love are very separate in my mind and this is a guy I think I could have both with. I know guys want to date girls who are nice and challenging, who don't put out on a first date. I want to date a guy who is thoughtful, but lets me live my own life.
I'm not good at this game-playing, I'm a very blunt person; if I want something, I go for it. I usually get it too. I'm intensely attracted to him, and I want him to think of me in more of a a girlfriend than a booty-call way. I'm afraid that if I don't see him before he goes he'll forget about me or write me off that our schedules are too busy and if I do see him, he'll have too much time to analyze whatever happened/s and decide I'm too easy. He's obviously attracted to me sexually, how do I know if he's in it for more?
Ladies (and gentlemen if there are any here)? How should I approach this?

I would wait to see him until he gets back and have at least a few more dates in public before you decide to take things futher. That way, you'll have a better idea of whether he's just in it for sex, or if he's truly interested in you as a person.
I think a late night date at this point would be a mistake.
He's not going to forget about you over the course of a few days--that's just silly!
Sheri
If he's interested, he'll be more interested if you make him wait a little. ;)
It'll be not only smarter but safer for you to wait until he comes back and have a couple of daytime dates before you start going to each other's places. Meeting someone from CL or another dating site is not the same as meeting someone who knows someone who knows you.
Guys like girls who know their own mind and who take good care of themselves. Carelessness in dating does not impress them, even when they take advantage of it.
Why do you have to meet at your house just because it's late at night? Why can't you meet at IHOP or an all night coffee shop or some other venue that's open late? I also would not advise going to one or the other's houses at this point. You might have spent 4 hours with him and made out with him on the beach, but he IS a stranger and it's not safe. And just because you wound up being safe in his car doesn't mean you would be in his house. And yes, chances are you would do a lot more than bake cookies and knit socks and there is a GOOD chance a late night hook up would wind up in a booty call no matter how good your intentions - especially since you say that you are intensely attracted to him.
He's going out of town for a few days. It's not like it's a few months. Meet up again when you get back. It's a lot smarter and safer and it will make you each miss the other a little more and also maybe give you a chance to step back and get perspective. YOU may decide after a bit of absence that you want to go in a differend direction. He's not going to "forget" about you! As Sheri said, that's silly! Try to find a couple nights where you can talk on the phone or AIM while he's gone. But not TOO much - you don't want to build this up too much before your second date!
I don't think it would be so bad if you waited to see him until he returns. However, if you are going to meet him late at night, I don't see why you can't go to a 24 hour restaurant like IHOP or Steak 'n Shake.
I don't think he will forget about you over the course of a few days, but even if he does, oh well, then he wasn't the right guy for you anyway.
Just be safe. Good luck.
I think it's a red flag that he has so far only been able to meet you after 9 PM.
What Vexer said. Quit doing the booty-call-setup dates. Go on some regular ones. Don't play games (men do NOT want a woman who's "challenging"- our name for those women rhymes with "witch") but don't flop over, either.
There's really nothing complicated about your situation. How you should approach it is how you should approach any dating situation; with honesty, being open without being a doormat, and probably without any sex for at least a few weeks.
I suspect that to some extent you're asking how you can keep from "messing up". You can't; he's either going to be into you, or not. If you're trying really hard to act a "certain" way because it's how you think you should, or because someone told you that's what you should do, then you're not really being you.
Just be you, try and arrange for some more normal dates, and have at least a little patience. Rome wasn't built in a day (but it burned pretty quick).