Why Are Some Men Such Jerks?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Why Are Some Men Such Jerks?
7
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 5:32am

I was dating a good man (so I thought) and we were getting along great. The only problem I had was that he was moving way too fast because after only 2 dates he was telling me we needed to be together forever. That really freaked me out. I told him I liked him, as a friend, but that it was way too soon to be making any long-term commitments.

He showered me with flowers and cards and said he'd be very patient and that we'd just enjoy each other for now. He said that I was his "one and only", etc., etc.

We had been dating for just over two months and he wanted us to make plans to travel together this summer. I said it sounded nice but that I wasn't ready for intimacy with him, and didn't know how I'd feel by this summer. He said that we could have separate rooms because all he wanted was a traveling companion. Sounded okay to me.

Next thing I knew, he was back out on the dating site...my g/f saw him out there and he was very active communicating with other women.

I asked him what was going on, and he said, "Oh, well it was easier to leave my profile out there since it was paid for, and to just go ahead and answer all the emails I got from women to let them know I was unavailable".....then in the next sentence he finally admitted: "well, I figured you were ready to dump me so I was telling women that I might be available soon because I didn't think my current relationship was going to last much longer"

I told him that I had no intentions of "dumping him", and that if wanted to date other women all he had to do was just say so and not go behind my back to meet someone else.

Why are guys so deceitful? Are any of them any good?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 9:26am

While I have not had that exact same situation happen to me, I am in the mindset now that the majority of the guys online are not serious about a long-term relationship. If they "appear" to be..notice I said "appear", then they are moving too fast (like your guy was doing) or they balk on making a 2nd or 3rd date, which was the case with my last guy. It is hard to believe that any of them are sincere, and if they start back online scouting for dates, then they are not as serious about you as they said.

One other poster asked if all men lie. One of our guy posters was kind of offended by that statement, and while not ALL men lie, it seems that a big number of online guys do lie about what they want, they lie about their intentions, and they string women along in a perverted game of cat and mouse in the guise of romance. It gets old..very old.

I recently changed my yahoo profile with a disclaimer that if a guy does not want a long-term relationship, then he and I would not be a match. I also said that if they were only separated, to not bother. In the last couple years, I have had no less than 4 guys send me messages who were all still married. After my involvement last year with Mark, I learned my lesson about married men. I've also learned that just because a guy says he's a "Christian" doesn't mean he won't play games either. Cop guy from Iowa was a perfect case of that. I was led on for about 2 months. He has quit calling, but I can almost guarantee he will start again once he realizes I'm not interested anymore. He has a pattern that is obvious now. I wished I had known that in the beginning. I wouldn't have wasted so much time with him.

Anyway, I feel as you do, that a lot of guys are jerks. I would not say that if I had not met so many who SEEMED so sincere and I would have sworn they would not have turned out the way they did. I have a friend who has often told me that if you put several men in a bag and shook it, they'd all crawl out the exact same way. I'm starting to think that they get some kind of ego boost by toying with a woman's affections. Call me jaded and bitter because that's where I'm at right now. I'm not doing OLD for a while. I need to do some other things and not let myself get upset over a guy again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:47am

No matter how a guy seems "into you" until you have "the talk" and what that entails, anything goes.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 2:24pm

Like peanut said, unless you two specifically discussed being exclusive and taking your profiles down, he did nothing deceitful here. He may have said that you were his "one and only" but unless you discussed not dating anyone else, that really doesn't necessarily mean what it might sound like. It might have even meant he wasn't really dating others but it didn't mean that he COULDN'T - and YES there is a difference. You kept putting the "friend vibe" or the "we're just dating vibe" out there and he took that for what it was. You were telling him that you couldn't plan for your future and that you wouldn't commit to something this summer at an intimate level. Sure - you can't predict where you'll be then, but IMO, this was his way of seeing if you were ready to go to the next level (intimacy and commitment) and you showed him no so he's keeping his options open. And he has every right to.

As for his comment, that you were about to dump him anyway - that's the vibe he was getting so he figured he'd explore his options. He's not "going behind your back" - he was on the exact same website he met you on. He wasn't being secretive and meeting random chicks clandestinely in bars or work or someplace you don't go, he was the exact same place YOU met him. Just b/c your girlfriend found him and not you doesn't mean he was being secretive. I assume that any guy I meet online is dating others unless we have agreed to be exclusive. BUT I don't think it's necessary to discuss it! I don't want to know the details! Maybe he felt he didn't want to "say so" for whatever reason. Now you know for sure he's dating others but again, he wasn't deceiving you, IMO.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 6:56pm

Thanks for all of your responses. We did have the "talk", and decided we would only date each other, no one else. He said he was not interested in other women, did not want to even think about other women, and had no desire to date anyone else. This he said to me every week.

As far as him thinking I was going to dump him - this was his made-up excuse to find someone else. Background: when we first started making plans to travel this summer we talked about visiting a certain area; but nothing concrete as yet in our plans. A few days later I told him about another area that might be more fun for us, and that the scenery would be more gorgeous than the original destination we'd thought about. And he didn't really comment on my suggestion.

So, when I asked him why he had been active again on the dating site, his answer was that he knew I was going to dump him because I'd told him I didn't want to travel with him. That's where it really got weird because I never said that, I only suggested a possible alternative to our original destination. And he started telling women that he would soon be available because his current relationship was about to end.

I clarified what I had stated earlier about vacation with him, and that I never said I didn't want to go with him. And I said that if he wanted to go forth and test the waters, that all he had to do was just say so; he didn't need to make up something in order to justify contacting other women. He never replied to my email...so, it's more than obvious that he just wanted to break it off, but was too cowardly to say so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:15pm

You don't know how you feel about him but he isn't able to date others??? You think he is moving way too fast for you but he can't date others?? I am confused...do you even like this guy are you playing games?? This man has to be massively confused about all of this.

You have no rights to this man exclusively unless you intend on building a relationship with him and by the way you worded your post this doesn't seem like something you want to do.

I think this man is going to get hurt because I don't think your heart is in this.

Reese

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 7:58am

Thank you Reese, I am ashamed to admit I never viewed it the way you put it. I was only thinking about him not being honest, when all along, I wasn't honest with my feelings. Had he just wanted a companion the way I do, just a friend/buddy to do things with, then it would have worked out for both of us. As soon as he started getting serious, I should have stopped seeing him.

Thank you for being so frank and setting me straight. Sometimes we all need reality therapy.

Caaz

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:34am

He's Just Not That Into You. He seems like he is, but he's too afraid of getting kicked in the teeth, so he compensates by trying too hard and putting too much into it. Problem is that as soon as it looks like you might not be into him, he bails.

Two things- first, move on. It's ruined with this guy anyway and plainly he's full of crap on the whole leaving his profile up bit.

Second, be more clear in your own head about where you're at and what you'll accept. Just as women shouldn't accept shabby treatment (because that indicates the guy isn't into you) they also shouldn't accept inappropriate treatment, like declarations of undying love and affection after 2 freakin dates.