Women accepting Men's Indiscretions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Women accepting Men's Indiscretions
37
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 11:58am

The events of the last week have me pondering what women will and will not tolerate in a man . . . and if their tolerance of certain things makes them "insecure/desperate" or rather "realistic".

I had posted months ago about a travelling salesman that I'd had a "one night stand" with whne he was in town. Well he returns when he's in town and stays with me. We don't stay in constant contact in the month or two between visits other than an occasoinal hello on msn/text or whatever.

I am under no illusions of he and I developing a relationship. If I wanted a relationship, I don't think it'd be withhim. I'm too busy with work and school, and want a "friends with benefits" or occasional "booty call" however it HAS to be with ONE guy and not a different one every month. I won't waiver with that as my numbers are extremely low for a woman my age and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

Anyway My Question and PLEASE no flaming for this because as I said above I am under NO ILLUSIONS and have no doubt he's got a woman in every town as well as a girlfriend at home.

Last week he stayed five days (very unusual it's usually only one night) . . . it was rough for me as I am not used to the "what time are you coming home" phone calls or the pouty reaction when I'm later than I said or when I Tell him I'd be home later than he'd like (sorry babe but I see you once every month or two and am NOT alterering my life when you are here).

During those nights when I was sleeping I heard him make a couple phone calls. Hard to decipher from the bed room but the tone of voice was clearly a "girlfriend". I have to giggle at his stupidity because he'd called her from my house (using a calling card) . . the last night he was there my phone rang and I mentioned the name and he looked like deer in the headlights and didn't hit "talk" in time meaning the caller went to MY voicemail. That night I heard him call her and grovelling was at play big time. I could make out a few phrases like "I dont' go to the bar and pick different women up every time" "online personals" (how we met) "he's not going to change" "he's on the road alot" basically defending himself with no apology but at the same time he convinced her from the sounds of it . . . he confirmed she'd be at his house when he got home . . . towards the end said "you're such a sweetheart" . . . that was about all I got out of the hour and a half.

No I'm not a snoop I just don't sleep well at night and usually pace the house every couple hours through the night . . . but since he was on the phone I didn't want to come out and interrupt so I stayed there.

I did get up towards the end of the call and came out to ask for one of his sleeping pills. DIdn't let on I'd heard or anything.

I'm sorry to all women who will have issue with this but I quite frankly don't care that he see's other women or has a "relatoinship". That's not my problem it's hers. I'd always expected that at the very least he "scored" alot whether there was a permanent girl or not. And I'm sorry to defend him but I didn't hear him make any attempt to Lie to her or deny it. A few weeks ago his msn had a quote "I don't have a girlfriend I just know a girl who would be very upset if she heard me say that" . . . so I suspected that he had someone in love with him but he'd not yet made any formal committement.

So in my mind, he's not entirely in the wrong with her if they haven't vocalized exlusivity.

But the real question here and sorry for such a lenghty saga to get here but the history seems to make the questoin . . . Does it make this girl weak or realistic to be accepting this ? He seemed to convince her to see him again so I'm thinking she's very taken with him and perhaps thinks she can change the behaviour . . or she is accepting the reality that he provided her that when he's on the road he's a free agent.

I don't know if I could accept it from a man I was in love with . . . In fact I Don't think I could . . . .I couldn't handle a man that I love being sexual with someone else . . . and with this guy - he spent five days at my home . . . cooking dinner, wining dining and talking etc just like any "boyfriend" . . . that would probably bother me MORE than the idea that he was having sex with someone.

I guess there are alot of women in this world who accept cheating men. I just never can decide if it is because they are too insecure and weak to fight it . . . or if they accept it as just being part of the man they love and the circumstances.

Blah blah blah I really don't think I've made any sense in this post so I'm going to stop typing . . .

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 12:25pm

I'm confused...why is the fact that she's accepting him screwing around any different from you accepting it?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 12:28pm

It would be a deal breaker for me because I don't want to waste my time and energy wondering what he is doing. If you read other boards here you see so many women who demand to their men that they provide them with their email passwords, cell phone passwords etc. That is ridiculous because he isn't 10 years old.

If I caught my man doing what your friend is doing he will be set free to find a new relationship. This is clearly stated at the beginning of my relationship in order to communicate where I stand and if he makes that choice then he knew the punishment...much like capital punishment. You do the crime you do the time.

But that's just me.

Reese

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 12:36pm

I agree. Trust is very important to me. I haven't had a lot of serious relationships but have always been very clear that if a man's behaviour makes me lack trust, I will likely walk. If I had the proof, I wouldn't hesitate.

I do see the difference between the girlfriend, who expects and deserves fidelity and the original poster who doesn't. I have always found it so sad and unfair that women have a tendency to put the full blame on the other woman involved with her partner rather then where it belongs - which is solely on his shoulders. Every woman in the world does not owe every other woman fidelity and trust. Her husband, however does. He is the one who made a vow and owes allegiance and he is the one that is responsible for his actions. Having said that, I don't believe it is a good practice to have sex with men that are committed to another woman but more because it is emotionally unhealthy than because we women should all band together to keep our men from cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:02pm

Hi Daniella. You make very good sense.

As I read it, you are saying that while it is okay for you to be involved with this guy and "play house" with him a few days each month when he is in town, in your case it's just a "sex and comfort" type of thing, not a romance. You do not feel he owes you more because you are not willing to give him more.

On the other hand, there is obviously at least one other woman who wants more from him, and yet he is not giving it to her. Yet this woman seems to accept that he is not going to give it to her. She seems to settle for a relationship where she knows that he is "cheating" on her.

And you wonder why she puts up with it, because if the circumstances were reversed, you wouldn't.

It's an interesting question.

I confess that I wonder also. It never ceases to amaze me how much infidelity some women are willing to put up with.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:08pm

But why is that different? He hasn't made any commitment to her, and the fact that she may want more (which the OP is only inferring, so far as I can tell) is irrelevant. She's accepting the reality of the situation (that he's not a guy who "does" monogamy so if she wants to be with him, that's the deal), in the same way the OP is.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:32pm

Nope - not at all. The poster CLEARLY states she is in this for FWB or "a booty call". She expects

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:46pm

I think it's quite clear that there is a difference in myself and the girl on the phone. I don't want a "relationship" with this man. The current status quo is what I had been looking for . . . it works for me. He leaves after a visit and I do not wait for a phone call or obsessively check my email. I do not call him and "check in" every few days. I focus on work and life etc . . . and I continue the online dating quest because while I would ultimately like a relationship with a man . . . I know it is not THIS man that I want a relationship with. IT's the equivalent of a guy with a "trophy" - this guy is HOT HOT HOT and hey if I'm going to have casual sex it's gonna be with a hotty. If it ever happens that I find a man with whom I want a relationship, I will not see the salesman again. Until then - this allows me some physical satisfaction in the interim without my sleeping with a different guy every other month... and in his absence I am free to work my 10 hour/7 day weeks while I build my new business and finish my school.

I've been smitten with guys before while trying to focus on work and school and it's absolutely impossible . . . I've lost focus to the point of failing exams and being unable to keep my mind on my work . . . I simply can't juggle it all.

Anyway - - I would have had a hard time arguing with NWW in that I am only inferring what the other girl wants . . . but I just returned from the gym to find a message on my voice mail . . . yes - from her. Not too nice I must say and she indicated that "He is hers" and that I need to leave him the hell alone. So I'd say I'm safe to say that the girl wants a relationship with him . . . and even though he advised her that this is the way it is . . . she seems to think that if she scares me off it'll solve all the problems in their "relatoinship". ha ha. Poor girl blames the other women and not the guy.

I have a serious problem with that and I know someone on here indicated that women need to stick together to promote monogomy from men. That's never going to happen I'm sorry. It's a fantasy. You see women in the work place and out and about and the competition and cattiness is almost obscene. My sole priority in life is to focus on Number One and I will not take it upon myself to protect people I don't even know.

The reality is that there are absolutely wonderful men out there who would never ever dream of cheating on their girlfriend or wife. And there are men who will cheat and play around no matter how much they love their SO. Some might argue that when a man falls madly in love he'll never cheat and while I believe that to some degree . . . I also fall to the reality that some men will never be 100% monogomous. It's a sad reality and not a situation that all women of the world banding together to fight it will change. At that point the men will simply start lying to the "other woman" and claim to be single . . . at least I'm in a situation where I know the reality.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:52pm

Well, that phone call changes things--if she's not accepting the reality of the situation, then she's just being foolish, IMO.

But if that weren't the case--if she were willing to be in a relationship with a guy who wasn't monogamous and who made no bones about it--then I don't see why her choice would be any less valid than yours. Why would you judge her and feel superior to her for that, when it's the same choice you're making, even if it's for different reasons? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:54pm

Thanks rlch

I feel like I sound like a total bag in that I don't "sympathize" with the girl nor do I intend not to see C if he continues to want to see me.

Im sorry to hear how bad you XH was . . . I can see your point in wishing he'd done somethign so unforgiveable rather than subject you to years of other hurtful things.

I won't presume to know what had transpired between he and her prior to her phoning and finding my voicemail on the other side. He may have voiced exclusivity or asked her for it (in which case I'd be expecting the same). Part of me wants to say that without the "talk" about exclusivity a person can't expect it . . . of course actions speak louder than words and his actions when at home may very well have indicated to her total committment etc.

But now she knows his lifestyle when on the road from the convo they had a few nights ago . . . and yet she was still compelled to call my number and try to scare me off. So she's clearly not facing the true reality or she thinks the problem is with women coming after him and not him seeking them out. LOL his online dating add is still very much active . . . so he must not have met her via online otherwise you'd think she'd have demanded the add come down or be tipped off the fact that he's still looking since he's still actively online.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:58pm

Where are you getting from the original post that there's any exclusive relationship? If a guy writes on a public profile that he does NOT have a girlfriend--then that's a pretty darn clear indication that he hasn't made any such commitment, whether or not she's upset by that fact. Plus he's clearly telling her on the phone that he's not being monogamous. Now, if he lied to her about it previously, then that's a different story, but I'm reading that he's being upfront about his unwillingness to be monogamous. If someone's willing to accept that, why judge that person? It doesn't matter if you or I wouldn't do it--she gets to do what she wants to do.

Sheri

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