Friend or Date

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Friend or Date
19
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 6:12pm

This is a continuing installment in the not-very-interesting Saga of Sean.

In our last episode, Sean got bronchitis and couldn't make it to our date last Sunday. He recouped enough for some limited IM contact during the week, but he made no plans for the weekend, which made me frustrated and impatient. Fortunately, I had plans for Saturday night with some friends.

In the hope that he will phone me, I have been blocking him on AIM (and my Yahoo IM is set so that he doesn't know when I am around) in the afternoons and evenings. I've continued to let him see me on AIM in the mornings, but I am not sure if that has been smart. On the one hand, it has kept us in touch. On the other hand, it means he doesn't need to phone. But I confess that I don't want to just disappear from AIM because he may think I am not interested.

But what is HE interested in? He has said nothing about planning another date, and when I told him where I was going on Saturday, all he said was that this was a great place and we talked about the restaurant and the guy who plays the piano there, etc. He did not ask who I was going with, and he did not say anything about our doing anything together soon now that he was better.

I think *I* am going to bring it up--simply ask him if he wants to "make up" the date we missed when he got sick last weekend. He may not have felt like going out this weekend, but surely he'll be getting back to normal now.

I am trying also to decide what to do about the IM-ing. It is getting so we talk almost every day (I think we skipped one day last week, that's all) and we chat about our days and so on. If I were available in the evening, he would probably chat some more. But these are brief chats and I think they give an illusion of closeness that is not real. I enjoy having someone to talk to in the morning, but I would rather have someone to go out with. The question is whether talking to him on IM increases or decreases the chances that he'll want to make plans to get together.

I do think that given all the evidence so far, the relationship is going to remain that of friends. But one can never have too many friends.

A few dates wouldn't be a bad idea though.

;)

Elsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:30pm

Why are you pushing so hard? Why can't you just sit back and enjoy your friendship with this man? I think if you push too hard he may disappear on you. Don't try to define it so much that you lose him. If you don't like the way he is doing it then make the executive decision to leave him alone.

You are giving him all the power here. It almost comes across as a bit desperate. If you have a full life you can better deal with him and not be so obsessed with him.

Reese

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 11:18pm

Princess,

I don't think you have a clue what you are talking about. How have I been "pushing" this guy at all? As far as he's concerned, I'm just someone who he's gone out with on a few pleasant dates, a woman with whom he exchanges IMs and an occasional phone call. He has no idea that I think much about him, much less that I worry about whether he is thinking of me as a friend or a date.

Yeah, I've been obsessing, but for me it's a way of letting off steam. I thought it was one of the uses of this board. I apologize to all if I have come across as "desperate" and pathetic.

However I fail to see how I am "pushing" the guy. He has initiated all our dates, made all the phone calls, been the first to contact me most days in IM, etc. If I ask him about the "raincheck" I took for the date he had to cancel due to illness, it'll be the first time I make a specific suggestion about seeing him.

Anyway, I do have more important things to do than post nonsense on this message board.

Thanks for the heads up.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:25am

The nonsense isn't what you're posting.

The nonsense is the scheming and plotting and planning and careful showing of availability (but not TOO much availability) and all the crap that you're thinking about this guy.

All your plans, all your schemes, all your wondering what he's thinking, all your typical woman's overthinking CRAP isn't getting you anywhere.

What you need to do is this: Call the guy up, tell him you would be delighted to go out with him anytime, and then leave it alone.

If he's into you, he'll call and set up dates with you. If he's not, he won't, or he'll be all wishy-washy and do the stuff that's in the HJNTIY book.

And all your plotting won't make any difference; if anything, it'll show through and scare him away. Just be honest, let him know you'd be happy to go out with him, and then if he does't ask you out MOVE ON.

Because otherwise you're just going to bug him and drive yourself nuts, and that's a waste for both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:28am

Elsa,

Just a thought here. Could it be that Sean's bronchitis has made him unable to talk on the phone? He may be hoarse, he may still have some discomfort, his throat might even get really dry and he can't control his coughing.

I've been following your story and it seems to me that he's probably just a really nice but busy man who happened to get a not-so-nice bug right when you were getting acquainted.

I think I'd ask him if he'd like to redeem his raincheck for your missed date.

Good luck!

Moogie

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 2:12am

What I am reading is judgment with words like "all your typical woman's overthinking CRAP..."

Frankly I am not comfortable when someone responds to a post like that for that goes against the support philosophy of the forum. Yes cl-bklynchik?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 9:39am

(1) I think there is a difference between bugging a guy and obsessively (but privately) wondering where a friendship/relationship is going. Since all he hears from me is when he contacts me, I can't see how I am bugging him. I may be bugging people on this forum with my obsessing (and for that I apologize) but not him.

(2) Nope, I am not going to "Call the guy up, tell him you would be delighted to go out with him anytime, and then leave it alone." I am going to remain friends with the guy the way it's been so far, and then at some point when he's phoned or IMed me I will mention that we never had that date that we missed when he got sick. If he shows interest, great. If not, I will just block him from my IM more and more because an IM friendship is (for me) a waste of time. So, I'll move on.

(3) Bottom line-- *I'm* just not that into him. I don't know him well enough to be "into" him. So why should he be "into" me? Sure, I'd like it to be more than a friendship, but it's mostly for the fun of it. I haven't really dated in almost 25 years. (I was dating my ex or married to my ex for most of that time.) All of this obsessing is a kind of trying to figure out how to date again. I may not know how to interpret the situation fully, but I do know what I am doing.

All this "he's just not that into you" stuff is simplistic. Some of us *have* read other books.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:10am

Hi Moogie,

Thanks for your sensible, non-critical response.

Yes, I suspect the guy has just been sick a lot. And yes he is a nice man. I don't know if anything more will come of it, but we have become friends.

Yes again, I think that having a cold and then bronchitis has interfered with his ability to phone.

My concern is that now that he is no longer sick, he may not feel the need to phone and so forth because he's gotten into the habit of almost daily IM chats with me. And I find that frustrating because it's not the way I want to conduct the relationship. He'll be fine as an activity partner or as a more romantic date (if things go in that direction), but I do not want another IM buddy.

As I said in my other message, what I think I'll do is just wait until a good moment in an ordinary conversation and suggest that we might have that date we had to cancel. After that, we'll see. I sort of feel that because of his illness the "relationship" that could have been has lost momentum. But I can't fix that by chasing him or putting pressure on him, so it's never crossed my mind to do that.

I guess what it comes down to for me is that I want to taper off the IM-ing, and I want to make clear to him that I'll be happy to go out with him without it being a huge drama. You all may have been hearing me obsess about this, but he hasn't. ;)

Again, thanks.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:16am

Hi Mark,

I always find that comments such as "all your typical woman's overthinking CRAP..." tell us more about the writer than the person they are writing about.

I need to take part of the blame here for having made such a fuss about what is really a very simple and boring situation. I can only plead that I'm new at this and that over-reacting and obsessing on the boards helps me keep from doing it in real life.

Obviously these boards fill a need for Mr. HJNTIJ also. We should remember that.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 12:43pm

I am a long lurker of these boards. I have read "almost" all posts by Elsa.
Frankly, I have enjoyed and learned alot from them and do not think of it as "crap".
We women are always analysing and I commend her for sharing her thoughts with us. I couldn't express my thoughts as well as her. If I could, I would be posting them as well.

Lynn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:27pm

Elsa,

It sounds like you are being very realistic in your expectations of whatever may be between yourself and Sean. One comment you made that bears repeating:

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Absolutely! And I went through the very same thing when I started dating after my divorce. I hadn't had a date in over twenty years myself for circumstances similar to yours---dating my ex and sixteen years of marriage---and I wasn't ready to date for a couple of years after my divorce. I only started dating again because there was a strong possibility of a relationship with the man. He was someone who went to my church and we had a lot in common; he was looking to remarry and I thought he might be the man for me. Our relationship, if I can call it that, was a mess. He didn't know what he wanted. He seemed to want me close because we'd talk for hours and hours nearly every night and he'd text me several times a day. Yet he kept me at a distance because he was reluctant to actually see me or spend time with me. Because of his mixed messages and my inexperience with dating again, I did get obsessed and I wasted a lot of time on a man who, well, really wasn't that into me, not as a friend and certainly not as a romantic partner. He accused me of calling him too much, of texting him too much---and maybe I did. The thing is, his behavior was wrong and he should have been upfront right away. If he wasn't interested in me at all, he had no business calling me every night to talk for up to four hours at a time.

One of the nastier things that this guy did was to tell me all about the women he had met online. He'd tell me secrets he knew about them---how this one had a substance abuse problem whereas that one had been slapped around by her ex-husband---and he'd tell me how they didn't meet up to his standards of what he wanted in a wife. Then he'd tell me how he was "in looooooove" with both of them! At one point, he told me he wouldn't "let himself" fall in love with me because he couldn't be "in looooooove" with three women! Whatever! When he finally told me, via text message, that he didn't want further contact with me, I got p*ssed off and decided that since he seemed to enjoy online dating, that maybe I should try it too.

For me, online dating was a mostly positive experience. I met some jerks but also some very nice men. I had fun flirting on Match, sending and receiving "winks". For a time, I was meeting enough men on Match and a couple of other sites that I had to keep a list of who's who! I had the experience of being dumped by guys who weren't interested after the first date and I also had the experience of having to tell a couple of guys that I wasn't interested after getting to know them better. About four or five weeks after I joined Match, I got an email from this guy who wanted to strike up an email correspondence and maybe get acquainted. He was very upfront with me and said that he was the type of man who preferred to date only one woman at a time and he'd met someone else on Match right before he saw my profile and he wanted to see what happened with her---so would I be open to being friends? I was secure enough that I took his request at face value---I had been out of dating for so long that I would have appreciated a nice, male friend to talk to, even if he wasn't interested in me romantically. I also really appreciated his honesty and knew he wouldn't be the kind of man who would string me along like that other guy had. Anyway, that woman ghosted on him but he had met someone else with whom he thought he had a lot in common---that happens on Match. He lives out of town and had a meeting in my community one day so we set up a "just friends" coffee date in the afternoon. He had a first date with someone else he'd met on Match that evening. I didn't take it personally---I was meeting a lot of men myself and I had a lunch date with someone the day before I had this "just friends" coffee date with him. That happens with OLD.

I tell you, I had never been so relaxed meeting anyone in my life. I didn't expect anything beyond friendship and just getting out so I could practice my very rusty social skills. The rest of the story is that we sat in the coffee shop for over three hours and while he did keep his evening date, it didn't go well because he couldn't stop thinking about me! He called me that evening to ask if he'd blown it and if we could start dating. No, he hadn't blown it and yes, I'd be happy to start dating him.

We're getting married this spring.

Elsa, I think with your good attitude about this and your expectations clearly realistic and in check, you will find a similar happy ending yourself. My best to you!

Moogie

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