so, my first love "Viewed me"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
so, my first love "Viewed me"
1
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 11:47pm

Hello, I am more of a lurker here than a regular poster. Some history: Eight yrs ago, I met and fell in love with a man. We lived together for 1.5yrs. I was desperately in love with him, and we spoke of marriage and kids. Over the months, he became controlling..culminating in him threatening me with his fist. I was waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares, so one day in November, i packed his bags and had his belongings stored in under three hours. Yes, we still continued the "back and forth" game for a few months, but it finally came to an end that summer.

I was in a tailspin for at least a yr after, and on the rebound met the father of my two girls. This relationship didn't work for MANY reasons ( his partying, alcoholism, stupidity, etc...) and we separated three yrs ago. I have dated very sporadically since.

So, I joined Match and POF. POF has a new "Who's Viewed ME" button, and I clicked on it. ACK! There he was! I had thought about him at least 10 000 times since our breakup but had never run into him. I couldn't resist and e-mailed him an "Is that you?" e-mail. He responded that it was. I e-mailed back, and said a few things, namely, that I was glad to have the opportunity to talk to him again, and that despite everything he was a pivotal person in my life, and that I had loved him deeply, and had a lot of regrets that the relationship turned out the way it had.

He e-mailed back saying that he has thought of me too over the years, congratulated me on the girls, and said that he too was sorry that things had happened the way they had, but that it was just time to move on...

So, here I sit reeling...wondering if I should have said the things to him that I did, and wondering what he is thinking about me. This man, was IT for me...the love of my life..no doubt about it. I was 29 then and care free...and HOT..lol.
Now, I'm 37, two kids, and gained about 75 lbs..lol so it must have been quite the shock to see me..lol

So...I guess I'm just looking for any words of wisdom here.. Has anyone ever had this happen to them? He says that he has learned a lot over the yrs, and regrets hurting me. Should i let sleeping dogs lie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:06am

What more do you hope to gain from continuing to talk to him? You ask if you should "let sleeping dogs lie", but you don't say why you would NOT do that.

I think you still harbor some hope/love/lust for the guy. That's fine; it's natural and normal... but you should know that the odds are about 99% that if you wind up getting involved with him again, you're going to wind up horribly hurt again.

It sounds to me as though he was pretty clearly not interested in going anywhere with you and that he wishes you well. That sounds to me like a pretty good place to leave it.

If, on the other hand, you still feel like you have things to work out with this guy... then you STILL should leave him alone, and you should take your profiles down, and you should work out whatever you need to work out before you get involved again.

Either way, answer is easy- leave him alone, let it go, and just have a good thought and hope that he's happy WITH SOMEONE ELSE from here on out. You've made it this many years without dealing with him, he's obviously not all afire with the idea of seeing you again, let it go.

Because, frankly, He's Just Not That Into You to make it worth your while.