Is it too late to salvage this??
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| Mon, 02-12-2007 - 5:03pm |
I've had 3 great dates with a guy I met online who seemed to truly be a genuine and nice guy. He put a lot of thought into our dates and was always a gentleman (very respectful, opened doors for me, paid for me.) I wasn't overly attracted to him but I was hopeful it could grow over time. Given this, when he would show some sort of affection towards me (putting his arm around me, stroking my hand, touching my leg) I was not adverse to this, nor did not return any of the same gestures towards him. Basically, I let him be affectionate but I didn't show any reaction to it. At the end of the second and third dates I did hug him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. I knew he must really like me when he told me that he was planning to cancel his Yahoo Personals membership. I did not say that I would do the same thing because I was not ready to do that but I did not overtly state that to him, I just lead the conversation another way on the Yahoo Personals topic.
After our last date he told me to give him a call during the week. I first sent him a thank you text the day after our date and then I called him 2 days later. When a few days had passed with no call back, I left him a cute and casual message saying that I found that spumoni ice cream he had been looking all over for. Another 3 days have passed and still no call back. I do know that he works a lot (sometimes double shifts which equate to a 16 hour day) plus he is taking some classes which just started last week, but I know it only takes 10 minutes to call someone back.
So my question is - is it too late to salvage this and somehow let him know that I really am interested? My friends thing that my lack of showing affection/reaction to his affection has discouraged him. But I would think that my phone calls would encourage him. One of my guy friends told me to lay it all on the line and leave him a message acknowledging that I had my guard up with him and that I'm ready to take it down . . .
Thanks in advance,
Meredith

Meredith,
Just playing devil's advocate a little here---were you really interested in him? You said he was nice and a real gentleman but you didn't feel attracted to him. Can you explain a little more? Did he remind you more of your brother than of a man you'd like to date? Was he somehow unacceptable, even repulsive to you? Or were your feelings more lukewarm---no big spark right away but as you get to know more about him and the type of man he is, you're more interested in his character or his mind?
Also examine your own behavior---were you downright cold and unfriendly to him? Did you give off any "disinterested" vibes? Did you act less than affectionate because you were shy or because you simply did not feel all that attracted to him?
And don't sweat his work schedule. If he's working double shifts and taking classes, he may not have enough time to P much less call anyone. If he's interested, he'll come over for some of that spumoni!
Good luck!
Moogie
Yes, I was interested in him to a degree. Initially I wasn't overly attracted to him but he was a good looking guy and I had hope that it would develop over time as I got to know him better (he has a good personality and a lot of good qualities.) I felt as though I had warmed up to him on our last date but I still felt myself being a bit reserved with him since we were still getting to know each other. Part of that was shyness and part of it was uncertainty about my level of attraction towards him.
I was not cold or unfriendly to him, the best way to describe it in retrospect, is that I did not do anything to encourage or acknowledge his behavior like when he put his hand on my leg. I did hold he his hand when he extended it, but later in the date I did not proactively go and reach for it. Looking at it from his perspective, I can see how he may have thought I wasn't interested in him in that aspect, but I would hope he picked up on other cues about my behavior - making eye contact, smiling at him, etc. But maybe that wasn't good enough. And I would hope that my leaving him 2 messages including one telling him I found the ice cream he was looking for would make this more apparent, but I guess he might have a different interpretation or maybe he has written me off already based on the date.
So I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to fix this. My friends are saying that I have to lay it on the line for him by leaving him a message acknowledging that I did have my guard up but that I'm ready to take it down and I want to get to know him better. They say I have nothing to lose. At this point it has been a week and a half since we've seen each other and 4 days since my last message for him. I'm really torn about what to do because I thought this guy had potential . . .
I think that if he did at some point think you weren't interested, your calls and emails have *clearly* indicated otherwise, so I really doubt that's the reason he's not calling. He must have changed his mind about you for another reason.
I think you need to let this go. If he calls again, great, but if not, it wasn't meant to be.
Sheri
Meredith,
I was kind of worried there that you were trying to "force" yourself to feel attraction or affection for this guy but your last post makes it clear that you were simply being reticent---shy perhaps---and that you do want to get to know him. Please, never "force" yourself to have feelings for someone. I "forced' myself and was very aware that I was settling for less than I really wanted when I married my ex-husband and I'd hate to see anyone make the same mistake I did. But it sounds like you do like him and aren't trying to talk yourself into feeling something you don't. That's wonderful!
Your friends are right---call him and LHK that you were on guard. Let him know you want to get to know him better because you think he's an amazing guy. It doesn't sound like you're being pushy so I think if he is interested, he may appreciate your taking the initiative to see him.
I'd invite him over for dinner---get take out if you can't or don't want to cook----and make sure you have some of his favorite spumoni for dessert. If his schedule is that busy, he may appreciate being pampered just a little bit.
Maybe you should email him, tell him that you felt a little shy at first but think he's a wonderful guy that you'd like to get to know better. Tell him you're afraid you've blown it with him and that you'd like another chance.
He sounds sweet---as do you---and I hope things work out for the two of you.
Keep us posted!
Moogie
To me, this is a little over the top. It sounds like it's one of those cases that you don't know what you've got til it's gone but then once you have it, you're not sure you want it either.
To the OP, you've been on 3 dates with the guy. To express that you've had your guard up and are ready to let it down with him seems very "relationship-y" and a bit premature to me. You have contacted him, what 3 times?, without a response. I think it's clear that you have indicated your interest in him. Any further contact looks desperate and needy to me.
I remember one time I had a situation very similar to this. The guy seemed obviously interested, talked about the future, doing things, yadda yadda. I went out of town for a few days and he said to call him when I got back and we'd get together. I did TWICE - no response. I sent an email, no response. I called him again asking him almost EXACTLY what moogie suggests here - getting together for a date to get to know each other better, yadda yadda. He closes me on eHarmony without so much as any contact giving the reason "I am pursuing another relationship". So he goes from talking about a future with me to pursuing another relationship in 4 days while I was gone? Don't think so. But in hindsight, I regret being so pushy too. I don't think it pushed him away or anything, it just made ME look desperate and needy.
Your contact shows that you are interested and have been thinking of him. Lay off for a bit. Three contacts with no response COULD be because he's busy but more likely because he's lost interest for some reason. It only takes 1 minute to write a quick email stating "Hey, thanks for the email. I'm super swamped so I don't have time to talk but I'll call you later in the week." He's not doing that. Move on. If he calls, he calls. If not, oh well.
Don't send him anything more. If he's into you, he'll contact you again. If he's not, he won't, and all the "salvage" moves in the world won't help.
From a guy's perspective, it sounds like you have two things going on. You're more into him now that he's not there, which is big trouble because if you and him hook back up it's a recipie for a relationship of step-up-step-back, frustration, etc.
But more importantly, you've made it clear- you want to go out again. Unless he's pretty stupid, he'll know that. So if he's not asking you out again, well, that's a pretty good sign to YOU.
To be honest, it just doesn't sound to me like you're all THAT into him anyway. My advice? Move on. But I could be wrong- it sounds like at least one of your guy friends disagrees.
It's been several more days- how did this all turn out?