Judgemental posts bug me how about you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Judgemental posts bug me how about you?
44
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 5:59pm
I know I'm not a CL or anything of the sort and I don't have free reign to get on these boards and tell others what they can or cannot do but I just wanted to post my unhappiness with the demeaning and judgemental comments of some of the posters to others. Like I said in another post, it's ok to have a difference of opinions but it's NOT ok to slam others to the ground. I know that I would feel safer and more willing to post about things going on with me if I knew that everyone on these ivillage communities were not going to say things that are just plain mean and hurtful. Is anyone else with me on this?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 6:14pm

I think Ivillage already does a pretty good job of deleting posts that contain personal attacks. Other than that, I'm not sure what more can be done--you're never going to have 100% of people on a public message board agree not to be "mean"--in part because you'll never get 100% agreement on what is mean and hurtful.

I don't disagree with you, I just don't think it's a realistic expectation.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 6:26pm
Yea, I see your point. Not everyone is going to try to express a difference of opinion objectively. I wish it could be that way in general, but it's not and that's the way it is. It would just be nice if people could think before they type, especially if they have a different opinion about things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:18pm

Oh do they EVER bug me :-)

I've been told I am "smug and judgemental" and felt totally attacked by how harshly someone can reply to a post.

I try to keep myself in check and if I disagree with someone I truly hope I let it be known in a polite tactful manner. But there are those on here that I simply refuse to post replies on their strings becuase it seems no matter what you say they have issues.

Even on here though - sarcasm comes through loud and clear.

On many occasions I simply "take a break" from iVillage because it's not safe to speak or you fear attack from a fellow poster who for some reason just doesn't seem to like anything you've got to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:42pm

I understand what you're saying and trust me I have been coming to these boards for 4-5 years now (maybe longer?) - back in the day I used to be very detailed about dates - you name it I would spare no detail. I'm a story teller and I like to give the full picture. Unfortunately when you do that you are prey to a lot of unwanted comments.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:45pm
I agree...some of those posts to rlch were cruel. I think the people saying those things are probably jealous...
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:39am

I agree on putting out the request and intention for us to support one another. I also recognize that the only person I can control is myself and even that is a challenge sometimes LOL.

I am reading Wayne Dyer's book, "Wisdom of the Ages" where in the Epictetus/Divinity chapter. "Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their opinions of the things that happen." -Epictetus (55-135), an emancipated slave, Greek Stoic philosopher.

This is what Dyer says in this chapter: As a school counselor many years ago I frequently invoked the wisdom of this observation. When a student was upset by something someone else had said or done, I would ask, "Suppose you didn't know what they had said about you, would you still be upset?" The student would respond something like, "Of course not. How could I be upset about something if I didn't know about it?" I would gently offer, "So it isn't what they said or did. That happened and you weren't upset at all, until you learned of it, and then decided to react by being disturbed." The realization that *no one can make us upset without our consent* began to be a part of the student's awareness.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 9:10am
Yes, and certain posters can dish it out but when it's "their" situation, they can't take it themselves...I'm not mentioning any names. :0
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 10:28am

I have to respond to this one!! After the diabetic debacle I am only a lurker and only on a rare occasion. I am one of those who have a somewhat objective opinion to posts because I think there are a few ways of looking at a situation and I am NOT swayed by the other responses. We come here to vent or seek advice and most of us want to hear that what we are doing is fine but in reality when one asks advice we already know the answer but strongly desire others to validate our errors which isn't always going to happen here. If you post something here you have to be ready to hear the good and bad of what others think. We can often misunderstand a post due to lack of emotion in the type written words. When we feel we are being attacked we have to make a choice to either accept the criticism or report the post should it break the rules.

I sometimes think that people are so closed off to constructive criticism that at times though it may seem harsh there are some real good advice being given from some very saavy members of Ivillage.

Now whether the post yesterday was wrong or not lies in how the OP feels about what advice was given. Reese had some very valid points (other than dragging me into it) but I completely agree that the boards are fickle in their handing out consistent advice. Some people come here and lay out their whole life in posts hoping to gain acceptance when in reality that's not what this board is for. Since so much time is spent reading the day to day updates of members that the newbies often go unnoticed and eventually fade away. Is it fair...maybe not but you either accept it as it is or you walk away.

I personally don't need anyone's validation and approval for my choices in life. AND I will never justify my choices on this board ever again. You are all strangers and some have helped me greatly but in return has also stabbed me in the back. So as the adult that I am I walk away. This option is available to anyone that isn't happy with what type of responses they receive. It's a crap shoot at best and we have to do what is right for ourselves.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 10:58am
There are definately different ways of saying things and some are more harsh than others and sometimes the harsh ways do get a message across sometimes. But like another poster said, if you are giving advice in a harsh manner you should be able to take that same sort of advice back when it comes to your situation and some people on these boards are not capable of doing that KWIM. But I think I was referring more to the "attacks" against others short of name calling. I read a post yesterday and not going to say which one it was, it wasn't towards me and it even bugged me, but if something like that was directed towards me I would feel completely attacked and probably take a break from the boards for a bit, and I read another post on another board just the day before and the same thing AND it's usually those same posters that do it in a tactless manner to a lot of different people. I sometimes do really appreciate the plain and simple unsugarcoated/honest advice but some have go too far.
I've given advice too to my friends that have been unwelcomed or they didn't agree with what I had to say and I stopped because you are right, they are the only ones in their situation and they have to live with their decisions not me.
I guess the purpose of this post is to remind others that they should not be telling things to others in a manner that they couldn't handle themselves or saying things that would be hurtful to them if the sitaution were reversed and they were the ones dealing with the situation.
Thanks for listening to my vent guys, I'm glad I'm not alone in this :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 11:06am
yup, totally agree. Most of the times when people feel the need to attack there is some insecurity or jealousy on their part.

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