How many guys do you talk to at once?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
How many guys do you talk to at once?
5
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:50pm

So I just got going with the online dating, but I'm wondering, how many different guys do you exchange messages with at once? I find it a little stressful to be talking to more than one guy, almost feels like I'm 'going behind their back' or something.

I mean if I've had a conversation with one guy and see some potential, then another guy who is equally as interesting comes along, I don't know what to do then. How do you handle this type of thing?

And another question, while I'm posting, how many messages do you normally send (or over how long of a time period) until you meet in person? (assuming you are from the same city).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:04pm

As many as possible!!! If you're new to OLD, perhaps you haven't experienced it yet, but many of the guys you talk to or even go out with a couple times will just disappear on you without a trace (we fondly call that "ghosting", LOL!) so it's best to have a bunch of guys in the queue.

Believe me, most if not all of the men are talking to other women as well (and if they tell you otherwise, take that with a BIG grain of salt). The default assumption is that you're both talking to and dating other people until clearly discuss and agree to date each other exclusively.

As for how long to communicate before meeting, I generally prefer to exchange 3-4 emails over the course of several days to a week or so. If I haven't screened them out at that point, then I move to having a short phone call during which I decide if I'm interested in meeting them for a cup of coffee. I prefer to meet in person sooner rather than later because that's how you can really tell if someone's potentially right for you or not--you can only determine so much online or in phone calls.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:38pm

Thanks so much for the reply. I guess it's good to know they are also talking to others. I just find it hard, like if I went for coffee with him and things went okay, but then went for coffee with another guy and thinks went alright as well, just gets to be a sticky situation.

How do you generally handle it if after a few messages you aren't interested in meeting? What's the best thing to say or do you just stop replying?

And then alternatively, if you meet for coffee and he asks you out again on the spot and you don't want to see him again, what do you do then?

Sorry probably silly questions, it's been a while since I've been back in the dating game I guess and this stuff makes me a little nervous. I just hate having to 'reject' someone so to speak. (and I know obviously there is the chance he could reject me! but for some reason that seems easier to deal with).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:47pm

As far as how to handle it if after exchanging a few emails you're not interested in taking it further, it really depends on where we are in the conversation and how it's evolved. Sometimes it makes the most sense to just stop emailing. Other times, it makes more sense to say thanks but I don't think we're a good match after all.

If I'm out with someone for coffee and they ask me out again and I'm not interested, I'll say, hmm, I'll have to check my calendar and let you know. Then I'll send an email saying that I don't think we're a good fit. I'm not good at saying "no thanks" to someone's face so this what I've come up with, although, thankfully, it doesn't happen that often.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:36am
i'm usually in contact with 3 or 4 people at a time. and the reason is-they're in contact with that many girls too. last week, i let myself get a little too excited about a guy, only to have him state that he was still seeing other people and that was the reason he came to the internet dating site in the first place. the guys are there to talk to a bunch of girls, you should do the same! eventually, if it's right, the others will fade and you'll be left with one you want to concentrate on :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 12:25pm
Oooh, the 'check my calendar' thing is perfect! That's exactly what I was looking for. I'm also so bad at saying no on the spot so this would work well for me. I just feel so bad blantantly turning them down to their face. I mean if we've been dating for a while of course they should hear it in person but after one coffee I just don't want to lead them on if I don't think it's going to go anywhere.