Etiquette when you aren't interested?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Etiquette when you aren't interested?
13
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 9:19am

I've been thinking about this for a while. There have been quite a few posts recently from people that have had a first meet and thought it went well but never heard from the person again. I just read a post from someone new to OLD who posed the question of what to do if you are on a meet and not interested and the person asks you out again face-to-face.

I met someone a few nights ago. I was fairly sure within half an hour that he wasn't someone I would be interested in romantically but he was fairly nice and we chatted for about an hour and a half. I feel that it would be rude to say flat out that I'm not interested and cut the meeting short especially if the conversation is good but perhaps this is the right thing to do. When he asked if I'd like to go out again, I just suggested he message me. He did and I replied that although I enjoyed meeting him that extra something just wasn't there. I thanked him and that was it.

So how should one deal with the situation during the meet as well as afterwards if he asks you out again? Should the meet be cut short so as not to leave a false impression of interest? This seems very rude to me but I've seen so many messages accusing men of playing games and being unkind for having a nice time when they don't intend to call again that it makes me wonder.

Sorry if this is a bit wordy but I wanted to explain what I meant.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:33am
I don't think there is a really great answer to this, but I will say that I can usually tell if a guy isn't that interested in me and I also know how to convey this as in body language and how I act. You can be cordial without acting too excited over someone. I would much rather have that be the case than for the guy to act like he's having such a good time only to have him ghost later. My last guy continued to call and "act" interested (for nearly 2 months) after our first date only to eventually not return my call and never hear from him again. What was the point? It would have been a lot better to be honest with me and say that he wasn't ready for a relationship, the distance was a factor, etc. rather than to not hear from them again (AFTER) they have acted interested. It's a phony persona that I can't seem to get over myself. However, I can make it clear to a guy if I'm not interested while at the same time not being rude. I refuse to lead a guy on...something most men I encounter have no problem doing time after time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:58am

I think the way you handled it is just fine. It is really hard when you're put on the spot and really uncomfortable to say to someone's face that you're not interested. Leaving it non-committal in person and then answering back in email or whatever is perfectly fine - at least after the first couple meets!

I know it's also hard to end that meet when you know it's not going anywhere. It's always good to have some kind of back up excuse if you need one - "Oh, I'm meeting some friends for dinner at X time", "Oh, I told my baby-sitter I'd be home by X", yadda, yadda. I've done that before when I could tell early on that things were not going to work.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 12:11pm

I'm sure you'll get a lot of varying responses to this, it's a great question!


For me, I would cut the meet short if I see there's just no interest. I think Peanut made a great point--have a reason to leave beforehand. I think you handled it perfectly though.


I also think that a lot of people ghost because it's a hard conversation to have. Who wants to hurt another person for no reason? But for me, I'd prefer to know that a guy is not interested rather than playing a guessing game...


Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 7:34pm

This has been a struggle for me in OLD too. The last first meet I had was a coffee date. I definitely wasn't interested after talking to him for 5 minutes, although I did keep chatting while we finished our teas. At the end, he asked if I wanted to go out again, and I said, "Thank you for asking, but I just don't feel we have a lot in common." This was not easy to say, but honestly, I think it was easier than having to say no when he actually called, or sending an email later. He seemed to take it fine, and there was no further communication.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 8:39pm
I have SUCH a hard time with that as well - i feel badly, like i dont want to hurt someones feelings. I think you did a perfect job of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 9:27pm
Hi there!
I have always set up the first meet with an easy out, and I tell them we should both go home and absorb the meeting before deciding about going out again. I always email a thank you immediately when I get home, and then just kinda' think about it. In the next day or two, I either ask more questions and feel willing to set up a date, or just let them know that I don't feel interested and a very short version of why. I wish them the best and then remove their name/email or whatever from my address book.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 7:23pm

I think each situation varies but ultimately as soon as you realize how you feel, it's best to

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 10:53am

I am very new to OLD (a month). I was stood up last night. I really didn't care I was probably one of those posts you were talking about I also sent a post about two weeks ago asking how do you nicely tell someone there is just no chemistry. Anyway, this guy I thought was pretty into me (I thought). We had a first meeting on Sunday afternoon at a dinner for coffee, he was nice,after coffee he asked my if I wanted to see a movie. I had a good time so when he asked my out for the following Saturday night I said sure. He said he would call during the week to tell me what time he would be over Saturday. He called, confirmed when he would pick me up (yes, he picked me up at home, but he called me from his car and I came out), I live in a large apartment building so he doesn't really know where I live just the building. He took me to dinner and a movie, I really thought he was into me but I didn't feel the same, no chemistry. He wanted to go out the following Saturday, I told him I was busy that weekend. Okay, no problem. He calls me this Valentines Day to wish me a happy Valentines Day, he kept trying to call, I was on the phone with a friend and the line kept clicking like someone kept trying to get through, as soon as I hung up the landline phone it rang, it was him wishing me a happy valentines day. He told me he has been thinking about me and he would like to see me again, and he asked me out for this Saturday. He said he would call me Saturday and confirm a time and then he said, no I'll call you Friday and confirm a time. He never called. Saturday night I didn't know if he was going to show up or not. But I took a early shower and put on some makeup just in case if he called me that he was outside I would be ready.

He never showed up. This is someone who told me while looking in my eyes that he hasn't gone to movies in a while but he finally found someone he can go to movies with.

Yea, I know, I shouldn't have accepted, the chemistry wasn't there but I thought give it one more time, if on the date I really knew this was a non-connection I would of offered to pay for my movie ticket. But the (nice guy) didn't even show up.

And here I was worried about hurting his feelings if I told him or E-mailed him that there was no connection.

Part of me wants to E-Mail him and say "since we did have a date for Saturday, is there any reason you didn't show up". But the other part of me is just saying, the hell with him there was no chemistry anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:10am

Go with the second part. If something came up and he couldn't get in touch, he'll call and explain. If not, he probably just changed his mind and what good would getting in touch do?

There is nothing wrong with going out with a guy a few times to see if it develops when you aren't sure as long as you don't go on long enough that you end up in a relationship you never wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:36am
Thanks. I will just wait maybe something came up and he couldn't get in touch.

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