Oh no, Rebecca, I feel so sad for you and for Carlos. I think it's true that some people have demons that keep them from commiting. I may be one of those people, although at this point in my life, I think I've sorted through the phobia and am ready to really do the commitment thing. For me it took reaching a certain level in my career and also losing people that I love. Those two things woke me up.
You are so wise to realize it isn't about you at all. I love his comment about you being luminescent. Keep that one in your mind as you go out and date again. It is a true compliment.
I'm so sorry! Keep us posted on your healing. Carlos is a good guy, maybe a big love in your life, but there are others out there. You will find them with your positive, can-do attitude!!
Wow, I am very sorry to hear about Carlos. I believe I was the one that asked if things had to be so hard, but I was really hoping things would turn out for you... and especially after V-Day, since that seemed to go so well. But, I think you seem to be handling everything really well, and I am sure that when you find the right guy it really will be natural and easy.
I'm still very sorry to hear about what happened, but if I know anything about you from reading your posts, I know you'll make the best of it! You really are a dating inspiration for all of us!
Rebecca I'm so sorry to hear that the relationship didn't work out. You are right to take some time to heal and if it means not having contact for a few months, please take that time for yourself. I know you have a full life with work and your daughter, but you may find it easier if you start a new activity or two to keep busy and distracted.
You have shown us all that there are good men out there and you took the chance to try to find happiness. I believe the old saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You had an opportunity to feel love and be loved and that is always worth it.
Take care of yourself and please know that you have many friends here and if you need to share, don't hesitate.
First of all HUGGGGGS Rebecca. I admire your conscious and loving approach to this relationship.
I wonder if 7 months is really enough time or not to make a long term commitment, i.e. marriage and kids? I think some relationships are a leap of faith.
I am 53 and have been divorced for 7 years now. I am wanting to have a relationship that will end in marriage and of the 5 partners I have had since, the longest relationship was 1.5 yrs. I guess my point is that for me that even though I have been wanting to re-marry, I would need more than 7 months to decide if she is "the one."
I sure you have checked deeply into your heart and Carlos having done the same and came up with the answer you did. I firmly believe that we all need to answer with our heart and love rather than making decisions out of fear (of commitment or from our past relationships or ...).
Take care in your mourning and healing of this, Mark
Oh Rebecca, I'm sorry to hear that. As you know I expressed some concern that Carlos wasn't actually *doing* anything (such as therapy) to deal with his issues so I wasn't optimistic that he'd be able to give you what you wanted, but I was hoping I was wrong.
What you said about words vs. actions really needs to be highlighted, I think. I came up with this a few years ago--my caveat to the whole "actions speak louder than words" saying is that in relationships, you need to add, "EXCEPT if the words are saying something you don't want to hear, then you need to pay more attention to the words". I think a lot of women get caught up in the whole "yeah, he says he doesn't want a relationship but he *acts* like my boyfriend so he must really want to be my boyfriend despite what he says" thing (of course that's not exactly your situation, I'm speaking more generally).
And I do agree with you that 7 months is long enough to decide if you want to date someone exclusively, for sure!
I think the fact that you were the one who chose to end it will make it easier for you to become friends, eventually. But don't rush it--take plenty of time without contact and get over him fully before you try to re-connect as friends.
Hey Mark - thanks. But actually, i made it really clear i was NOT talking marriage at ALL - just being invested in our relationship enough to date exclusively, to see if this COULD move on to the next level, at some point. But he couldnt even do THAT!
I've seen you go through so much over the years (from the divorce board to here) and I'm so sorry to see this happen. I haven't been here too much, but would open your posts when around. I agree with you that 7 months is definately long enough to be able to at least commit to being exclusive. You deserve that and I'm glad to see that you didn't sell yourself short. Hang in there Sweetheart, you are one of the strongest women I've ever "known". I know it hurts, but it would hurt more to feel as if you're not getting what you want any longer.
Rebecca, first some BIG BEAR HUGGGGGGS to you! Having a broken heart is so painful, more so than any physical pain and I’m so sorry that you will have to suffer through this period of your life. I believe everything in life has a price and the price of love is heart break and grief. We will ALWAYS lose the ones we love if by death, betrayal, or realizing that the love and joy we feel can only be temporary with a particular person. I know both you and Carlos will grieve and I really feel sorry for Carlos as he will never experience true love and happiness until he can deal with the demons that have hold of him. And based on his comment “I really would love to “change” for myself, and for you, but it seems the way I am now is how I am”. Poor Carlos.
Yes, I remember reading the post about Love shouldn’t be so hard if it right and you are such a wise women to recognize that as a truth. That statement really hit home with me, not that I have a man in my life, but when I do find who “I think” is the right man for me, I will keep that thought with me at all times. If Love becomes a difficult process for the relationship I hope I find YOUR courage to end it as you did. Knowing you, this experience was wonderful for you and you will be a better person because you had the opportunity to experience that time with Carlos. You did what is “right for you” and I applaud you for being such a strong women and loving yourself FIRST. It is only when we have love in our hearts for ourselves that we can make good decisions in our life and offer love to others.
I have to comment on Sheri’s post about the saying “actions speak louder than words” and want to restate her words because I feel they are so VERY important…Sheri states “that in relationships, you need to add “EXCEPT if the words are saying something you don’t want to hear, then you need to pay more attention to the words”. This is the second most important advice I have received from this board about developing a relationship and I wanted to thank Sheri for sharing her words of wisdom with us. Rebecca, I’m not saying that you only considered the actions of Carlos because I do believe you also heard the words he spoke and that is why you made the brave decision to ask him to clarify what he “really” meant, as his actions didn’t match his words.
Rebecca, my thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of grief. I will be sending you a personal email with a very wonderful analogy of life that I believe you will enjoy. Although temporary, Carlos and you enriched each others lives, had fun, shared a degree of love and it is now time for both of you to continue on your journey through life independently. After the sorrow and grief have passed I believe you will remember this wonderful time in your life and have a BIG SMILE on your face! HUGGGGGGS and more HUGGGGGGS again!
You know Rebecca, I just re-read Carlos' email to you. What a numb-nut! He will never find someone like you, never. He's definitely going to be alone. Maybe he prefers it that way, but I'll betcha he never forgets you, and in his old age will be kicking himself!!!
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Oh no, Rebecca, I feel so sad for you and for Carlos. I think it's true that some people have demons that keep them from commiting. I may be one of those people, although at this point in my life, I think I've sorted through the phobia and am ready to really do the commitment thing. For me it took reaching a certain level in my career and also losing people that I love. Those two things woke me up.
You are so wise to realize it isn't about you at all. I love his comment about you being luminescent. Keep that one in your mind as you go out and date again. It is a true compliment.
I'm so sorry! Keep us posted on your healing. Carlos is a good guy, maybe a big love in your life, but there are others out there. You will find them with your positive, can-do attitude!!
Chick
Wow, I am very sorry to hear about Carlos. I believe I was the one that asked if things had to be so hard, but I was really hoping things would turn out for you... and especially after V-Day, since that seemed to go so well. But, I think you seem to be handling everything really well, and I am sure that when you find the right guy it really will be natural and easy.
I'm still very sorry to hear about what happened, but if I know anything about you from reading your posts, I know you'll make the best of it! You really are a dating inspiration for all of us!
Rebecca I'm so sorry to hear that the relationship didn't work out. You are right to take some time to heal and if it means not having contact for a few months, please take that time for yourself. I know you have a full life with work and your daughter, but you may find it easier if you start a new activity or two to keep busy and distracted.
You have shown us all that there are good men out there and you took the chance to try to find happiness. I believe the old saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You had an opportunity to feel love and be loved and that is always worth it.
Take care of yourself and please know that you have many friends here and if you need to share, don't hesitate.
Cheryl
First of all HUGGGGGS Rebecca. I admire your conscious and loving approach to this relationship.
I wonder if 7 months is really enough time or not to make a long term commitment, i.e. marriage and kids? I think some relationships are a leap of faith.
I am 53 and have been divorced for 7 years now. I am wanting to have a relationship that will end in marriage and of the 5 partners I have had since, the longest relationship was 1.5 yrs. I guess my point is that for me that even though I have been wanting to re-marry, I would need more than 7 months to decide if she is "the one."
I sure you have checked deeply into your heart and Carlos having done the same and came up with the answer you did. I firmly believe that we all need to answer with our heart and love rather than making decisions out of fear (of commitment or from our past relationships or ...).
Take care in your mourning and healing of this,
Mark
Oh Rebecca, I'm sorry to hear that. As you know I expressed some concern that Carlos wasn't actually *doing* anything (such as therapy) to deal with his issues so I wasn't optimistic that he'd be able to give you what you wanted, but I was hoping I was wrong.
What you said about words vs. actions really needs to be highlighted, I think. I came up with this a few years ago--my caveat to the whole "actions speak louder than words" saying is that in relationships, you need to add, "EXCEPT if the words are saying something you don't want to hear, then you need to pay more attention to the words". I think a lot of women get caught up in the whole "yeah, he says he doesn't want a relationship but he *acts* like my boyfriend so he must really want to be my boyfriend despite what he says" thing (of course that's not exactly your situation, I'm speaking more generally).
And I do agree with you that 7 months is long enough to decide if you want to date someone exclusively, for sure!
I think the fact that you were the one who chose to end it will make it easier for you to become friends, eventually. But don't rush it--take plenty of time without contact and get over him fully before you try to re-connect as friends.
Sheri
Rebecca,
I've seen you go through so much over the years (from the divorce board to here) and I'm so sorry to see this happen. I haven't been here too much, but would open your posts when around. I agree with you that 7 months is definately long enough to be able to at least commit to being exclusive. You deserve that and I'm glad to see that you didn't sell yourself short. Hang in there Sweetheart, you are one of the strongest women I've ever "known". I know it hurts, but it would hurt more to feel as if you're not getting what you want any longer.
Melanie
Rebecca, first some BIG BEAR HUGGGGGGS to you! Having a broken heart is so painful, more so than any physical pain and I’m so sorry that you will have to suffer through this period of your life. I believe everything in life has a price and the price of love is heart break and grief. We will ALWAYS lose the ones we love if by death, betrayal, or realizing that the love and joy we feel can only be temporary with a particular person. I know both you and Carlos will grieve and I really feel sorry for Carlos as he will never experience true love and happiness until he can deal with the demons that have hold of him. And based on his comment “I really would love to “change” for myself, and for you, but it seems the way I am now is how I am”. Poor Carlos.
Yes, I remember reading the post about Love shouldn’t be so hard if it right and you are such a wise women to recognize that as a truth. That statement really hit home with me, not that I have a man in my life, but when I do find who “I think” is the right man for me, I will keep that thought with me at all times. If Love becomes a difficult process for the relationship I hope I find YOUR courage to end it as you did. Knowing you, this experience was wonderful for you and you will be a better person because you had the opportunity to experience that time with Carlos. You did what is “right for you” and I applaud you for being such a strong women and loving yourself FIRST. It is only when we have love in our hearts for ourselves that we can make good decisions in our life and offer love to others.
I have to comment on Sheri’s post about the saying “actions speak louder than words” and want to restate her words because I feel they are so VERY important…Sheri states “that in relationships, you need to add “EXCEPT if the words are saying something you don’t want to hear, then you need to pay more attention to the words”. This is the second most important advice I have received from this board about developing a relationship and I wanted to thank Sheri for sharing her words of wisdom with us. Rebecca, I’m not saying that you only considered the actions of Carlos because I do believe you also heard the words he spoke and that is why you made the brave decision to ask him to clarify what he “really” meant, as his actions didn’t match his words.
Rebecca, my thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of grief. I will be sending you a personal email with a very wonderful analogy of life that I believe you will enjoy. Although temporary, Carlos and you enriched each others lives, had fun, shared a degree of love and it is now time for both of you to continue on your journey through life independently. After the sorrow and grief have passed I believe you will remember this wonderful time in your life and have a BIG SMILE on your face! HUGGGGGGS and more HUGGGGGGS again!
You know Rebecca, I just re-read Carlos' email to you. What a numb-nut! He will never find someone like you, never. He's definitely going to be alone. Maybe he prefers it that way, but I'll betcha he never forgets you, and in his old age will be kicking himself!!!
Just had to say that.
Chick
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