Dating Etiquette - OLD vs IRL
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| Wed, 02-21-2007 - 1:45pm |
Okay, so I gave up online dating mainly because I HATE how it gives people the "right" to be rude. Email vs phoning, ghosting, rules that I just don't get, etc. About a month ago I met this guy in real life (from church) who was interested in me. We kept running into each other, he'd made sure to be at the same event that I was at, etc., and I was so excited to finally have a dating relationship that originated in real life (I have in the past, but it's been a while). I mean, this guy was asking others about me and he was actually pursing me. Such a nice change for the OLD drama.
Then he finally asked me out and I was so excited, because we already knew each other pretty well before our first date. Bye-bye awkwardness. Woohoo! And I was right on that a account - the date went wonderfully...and even when he told me that he was on match.com, and still active, it didn't concern me. After all, I had done OLD, too, so how could I find fault in it? And we even exchanged some humorous horror stories.
But now, four days after our first date, it feels like OLD. He emails instead of calls and seems to purposely wait the "appropriate" amount of time before responding to my emails. We set up times to speak on the phone, but when I call I get voice mail. It's not that he isn't interested, because his emails say that he is. He's just reverting to his accustomed behavior, I guess. Plus, OLD makes it okay to serial date, and that just isn't me. I don't like the fact that I stepped away from this whole thing, found someone interested in real life, and now I still have to deal with the bulls*** and knowing that he could be online right now chatting with other girls (another reason I didn't like OLD - I never assume that a relationship is exclusive, but I don't want to KNOW about him dating other girls, KWIM?)
Given that I met this guy in real life, I refuse to follow these OLD rules. Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can broach this topic with him? How do I let him know how I feel without coming off as total witch?

I disagree that there's a separate set of dating "rules" or behaviors for OLD. I started dating back in the late 70s and early 80s, LOOOONG before the internet even existed, and plenty of the behavior existed then, including dating more than one person at a time--heck, that goes back to at least the 50s, when you dated anyone you wanted until one guy asked you to "go steady" and gave you his class ring to wear ;-)! And waiting a certain amount of time to call so you don't seem to eager is also "old school"--my ex-husband confessed to me that he did waited a couple days to call for that reason when we met in 1983.
But whether or not there really is a separate set of rules or behavior is beside the point. What you need to do is set the boundaries that work for you. If you're not comfortable with him dating other people or talking to other women online, then let him know that. He can either say, Ok, I'm cool with that, or no, that doesn't work for me at this point in our relationship. You don't have to be witchy about it, just be straightforward about what your expectations are.
Sheri
Maybe this is a cheesy idea, but it's what came to mind for me. :P
When he emails you, I'd reply and say, "Thanks for the email! Give me a call and maybe we could get together again."
If he calls, great! If not, great - you'll know he's not worth your time (most likely.)
In a nutshell, try to move him back into the "personal" ways of communicating. If he bucks the idea or doesn't choose to move, move on. :)
Hope that helps a little!
Pink
I agree with NWW. Good manners/rules are good no matter where you meet someone- OLD, IRL, church, work... okay, there might be a few additional things/rules when you're dealing with someone at work because of the whole sexual harrassment stuff that can complicate things.
Bad news, though- it sounds like this guy isn't into you. You and he set up agreed-upon times for phone calls, then he's not there? It's only been four days, so I don't know how many times he might have done this to you, but more than a couple and he's sending you an obvious signal- you're not worth it to him to talk with on the phone.
OLD or IRL, doesn't matter. If you're calling someone and they said they'd want to talk to you and they don't, well, that's like a big sign saying "TURN BACK BRIDGE OUT AHEAD"!
Thanks to you all for your good advice. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to be straightforward with him. He hasn't responded to any of my attempts to contact him in 2 days (I'm not bugging him - only made one call and sent one email in that time, I know he's not just busy because he's been around our church circle in the social context).
To be honest, it's no skin off my nose. I was iffy about him anyway. But we go to the same church and are involved in the same committees/bible study groups, etc. Oh this sucks that I have to deal with being ghosted in typical OLD fashion (or at least with respect to my experiences with OLD) from someone who I thought was my step away from all that. And now I have to see him at church! Any ideas on how to handle that first post-ghost meeting?
I would be cordial and say hello but a little on the cool side. Let him volunteer an explanation rather than you asking for one--if he's a good guy and you are cordial to him, he should at least apologize for not returning your call.
Sheri
I can feel your pain. I guess it's sort of a let down to know this guy even has a profile online. You probably would feel a whole lot better if that was something he was not involved in, but in this day and age, it's hard to meet people. I don't ever let any "regular dates" know that I have any profiles online, mostly because I assume they don't have one online and are not pursuing people that way. In reality, I would prefer to meet people "the normal way" or via friends, church, clubs, work, etc. However, living in a rural area, those chances are slim.
If I'm reading in between the lines correctly though, you are wondering why he is not calling more, pursuing you more if he was truly interested? Am I correct? The added knowledge about his profile online just makes it that much more unsettling...like how many other irons does he have in the fire. Yeah, I know the feeling.
So, assume this guy feels like this is just another option for him (as it is for you) and try not to let it ruin your friendship. One thing that continually happens to me is that once the guy seems to know that I'm interested, he backs off, quits pursuing and it all seems to die in the water very soon. Just guard your feelings and let the guy do most of the calling. He may find that there are no better prospects online and that finding someone in "real life" who also has some of the same beliefs/interests makes it easier to actually have a relationship with. But, I was fooled most recently by the last guy who "claimed" he was this good Christian guy. He played more head games than some who didn't use that word to describe themselves. So, I no longer assume that because they "say" they are a Christian that that means they will treat a woman any better. You would "think" it would, but there are jerks in all walks of life, Christian or not.
Keep us posted what happens with this one.
"And now I have to see him at church! Any ideas on how to handle that first post-ghost meeting?"
____________
Treat him more or less just like you did before you had a date. Friendly, but plainly you two are not going to be dating. That's fine; that doesn't mean you can't study the bible together or whatever. Just means you're not going to date!
It's not really rocket science- don't make the molehill into a mountain. Wasn't that something Jesus said? Or maybe I didn't pay enough attention during Sunday School.... ;)