Saturday Night Dates
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| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:00pm |
I've been seeing a guy for about six weeks. At the beginning we met the first two Saturday evenings, then I was away a weekend, and now I haven't been asked for Saturdays the last couple of weekends and haven't received an invitation for this Saturday yet. It seems he asks me out for weeknights or Sundays. He also tends to either call last minute for weeknights and about 3 days in advance for Sundays.
Considering Saturdays are the only nights I don't have my kids if he was really interested in me he'd be asking me out well in advance for Saturdays right? Am I overanalyzing this? He has mentioned some fear about me being newly divorced and that he doesn't want to overwhelm me because he's been there too and remembers what it's like, but I can't help but think that's more his excuse for himself? Just looking for some thoughts. I'm having a hard time going out with others because I keep thinking about him. I also think he has quite a few options for himself going on. And he's still very active on the online dating site I met him on. Thanks so much!

Does he know that Sat nights work best for you? Perhaps a gentle reminder would be in order the next time he ask you out for a weeknight or a Sunday night--"I can get a baby sitter for this Sunday but Sat nights work better for me as a rule, since I don't have my kids that night". Then see what he says/does.
But it's certainly possible someone else has the Sat night slot. I would force yourself to date some other guys until such time as you get to the point of discussing and agreeing to exlusivity with this guy.
Sheri
Hello. Very good question.
I believe you, as every other person, deserve the courtesy of knowing in advance when you are going to see each other. It's possible that the guy doesn't do what he does on purpose. Some people are actually proud of being "spontaneous" in that they don't plan anything and live by the moment (I certainly don't support that interpretation of spontaneity).
In this case, your best course of action is ADDRESSING IT WITH HIM THE NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO HIM. You don't have to be dramatic or confrontational, but simply inquire: "Hey, you know - it would be much easier and more convenient for me if you let me know in advance when you are available. I would appreciate having a longer notice..." And see how he responds.
Like in many other situations, addressing the issue, as uncomfortable and awkward as it might be, is still better than wondering and not knowing the real answer.
Thanks,
Arkady Itkin
www.PracticalHappiness.com
I disagree. Without an explanation, it's game-playing. "Ooh, you need to figure out WHY I'm turning you down because I'm not going to tell you so there!"
I think turning someone down without explaining why is silly and unless the woman isn't interested, I wouldn't advise it, so it's doubtful you've seen me suggest it. Doing so is likely to lead to the guy concluding that she's no longer interested in him, and that's not the result she's hoping for.
One can have perfectly good self-esteem and still be straightforward. Asking for what you want is something confident women do, IMO.
Sheri
Good point! It's possible to come across as needy and unattrative when doing it. However it seems that it would depend on HOW you say what you say. If she makes a big deal out of it and makes it sound like it's a life and death situation, that will be needy. But if she brings it up casually and even with a bit of sarcasm / playfulness (semi-business) it might just do the trick. Sometimes guys are not aware of this common courtesy of planning things in advance, especially if their friends are not expecting it, and they should be reminded of that before there is anything further assumed about them.
Often, when a woman makes it clear that she won't tolerate second-class behavior, it makes her feel better to make that point and communicates to the guy that he is dealing with a woman who expects a degree of respect.
Thanks.
Arkady Itkin
www.practicalhappiness.com
I'm not really seeing the problem. If he calls at the last minute, then you have every right to say "no, can't make it" if you can't. In fact, that's exactly what you SHOULD do.
As far as the whole Saturday night thing goes... I'd say the next time he's calling to ask for a Sunday evening date, say "hey, Saturday works a lot better for me." Then don't say anything more; you haven't said NO to his request for a date on Sunday. You've also put the ball in his court and still stood up for yourself.
It almost sounds to me as though what you're really not happy about is that you think he's seeing someone else on Saturdays. (You also mention that he's still been active on the dating site- although I'd assume that you had to be active yourself to see that!)
If the big problem is the latter... well, you are hitting that spot where you have to decide when, and whether, to tell this guy that you want for the two of you to be mutually exclusive.
So I guess my thought is that you have to decide what the REAL problem is. Is the problem that you want to date him, but you can't go out on weeknights with short notice and on Sundays? Or is the problem that you're jealous that he's probably dating someone else on Saturday nights?
Those are two different problems. One is a scheduling problem, one is a "I only want him to date me" problem. :)
Figure out which problem you really have, then work on THAT problem. One thing at a time, ya know?