Saturday Night Dates

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Saturday Night Dates
9
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:00pm

I've been seeing a guy for about six weeks. At the beginning we met the first two Saturday evenings, then I was away a weekend, and now I haven't been asked for Saturdays the last couple of weekends and haven't received an invitation for this Saturday yet. It seems he asks me out for weeknights or Sundays. He also tends to either call last minute for weeknights and about 3 days in advance for Sundays.

Considering Saturdays are the only nights I don't have my kids if he was really interested in me he'd be asking me out well in advance for Saturdays right? Am I overanalyzing this? He has mentioned some fear about me being newly divorced and that he doesn't want to overwhelm me because he's been there too and remembers what it's like, but I can't help but think that's more his excuse for himself? Just looking for some thoughts. I'm having a hard time going out with others because I keep thinking about him. I also think he has quite a few options for himself going on. And he's still very active on the online dating site I met him on. Thanks so much!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:52pm

Does he know that Sat nights work best for you? Perhaps a gentle reminder would be in order the next time he ask you out for a weeknight or a Sunday night--"I can get a baby sitter for this Sunday but Sat nights work better for me as a rule, since I don't have my kids that night". Then see what he says/does.

But it's certainly possible someone else has the Sat night slot. I would force yourself to date some other guys until such time as you get to the point of discussing and agreeing to exlusivity with this guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:36pm

Hello. Very good question.

I believe you, as every other person, deserve the courtesy of knowing in advance when you are going to see each other. It's possible that the guy doesn't do what he does on purpose. Some people are actually proud of being "spontaneous" in that they don't plan anything and live by the moment (I certainly don't support that interpretation of spontaneity).

In this case, your best course of action is ADDRESSING IT WITH HIM THE NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO HIM. You don't have to be dramatic or confrontational, but simply inquire: "Hey, you know - it would be much easier and more convenient for me if you let me know in advance when you are available. I would appreciate having a longer notice..." And see how he responds.

Like in many other situations, addressing the issue, as uncomfortable and awkward as it might be, is still better than wondering and not knowing the real answer.

Thanks,

Arkady Itkin
www.PracticalHappiness.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:37pm
No offense, but I disagree that she should matter-of-factly tell him "it would be easier if he'd let her know ahead of time when he'd be available." That's backwards. HE SHOULD BE WONDERING WHEN SHE'S AVAILABLE AND HOPING SHE'S NOT DATING OTHER GUYS (not vice versa). If he's not asking her out early for Saturday nights, there's a reason, and asking for advance notice is way too businesslike, direct, and semi-needy for their early dating relationship. He's demoted her to a less desirable dating slot, and she should send a message that there are other boys on her block by not returning his calls and nicely declining the next time he asks her out (even if he asks her out for Saturday). She should try to nip this in the bud fast and, if he still doesn't return to the Saturday-night date, she should find someone who will. No girl deserves to feel like second-best.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:48am
Indeed. Why be straightforward when you can play games instead?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:23am
I know you like to bash whatever advice I give with some snide comment, even though I've seen identical advice from you on other threads, so I'll just ignore that. But as you are no doubt aware from other advice you've given, it's not about playing games. Declining an invitation or two from someone who has become more distant after a few dates and made it clear you are not his first choice anymore is not playing games; it's called self-esteem.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:27am

I disagree. Without an explanation, it's game-playing. "Ooh, you need to figure out WHY I'm turning you down because I'm not going to tell you so there!"

I think turning someone down without explaining why is silly and unless the woman isn't interested, I wouldn't advise it, so it's doubtful you've seen me suggest it. Doing so is likely to lead to the guy concluding that she's no longer interested in him, and that's not the result she's hoping for.

One can have perfectly good self-esteem and still be straightforward. Asking for what you want is something confident women do, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:32pm
I actually agree with that in part, but the advice I was responding to did not include turning him down at all -- it was just to tell him, "Hi, I need more notice as to when you're available." The most important thing is to decline the inviation -- whether or not to give an explanation is a matter of personal preference. I definitely see advantages in giving an explanation, but I don't think failing to explain is "playing games," because most guys know when they're half-stepping it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:00pm

Good point! It's possible to come across as needy and unattrative when doing it. However it seems that it would depend on HOW you say what you say. If she makes a big deal out of it and makes it sound like it's a life and death situation, that will be needy. But if she brings it up casually and even with a bit of sarcasm / playfulness (semi-business) it might just do the trick. Sometimes guys are not aware of this common courtesy of planning things in advance, especially if their friends are not expecting it, and they should be reminded of that before there is anything further assumed about them.

Often, when a woman makes it clear that she won't tolerate second-class behavior, it makes her feel better to make that point and communicates to the guy that he is dealing with a woman who expects a degree of respect.

Thanks.

Arkady Itkin
www.practicalhappiness.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 10:20pm

I'm not really seeing the problem. If he calls at the last minute, then you have every right to say "no, can't make it" if you can't. In fact, that's exactly what you SHOULD do.

As far as the whole Saturday night thing goes... I'd say the next time he's calling to ask for a Sunday evening date, say "hey, Saturday works a lot better for me." Then don't say anything more; you haven't said NO to his request for a date on Sunday. You've also put the ball in his court and still stood up for yourself.

It almost sounds to me as though what you're really not happy about is that you think he's seeing someone else on Saturdays. (You also mention that he's still been active on the dating site- although I'd assume that you had to be active yourself to see that!)

If the big problem is the latter... well, you are hitting that spot where you have to decide when, and whether, to tell this guy that you want for the two of you to be mutually exclusive.

So I guess my thought is that you have to decide what the REAL problem is. Is the problem that you want to date him, but you can't go out on weeknights with short notice and on Sundays? Or is the problem that you're jealous that he's probably dating someone else on Saturday nights?

Those are two different problems. One is a scheduling problem, one is a "I only want him to date me" problem. :)

Figure out which problem you really have, then work on THAT problem. One thing at a time, ya know?