Meeting for the first time....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Meeting for the first time....
3
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 8:40pm

Well, girls... you know the drill. You met online. You've "chatted" via email and you exchange phone numbers. He calls. You chat for over an hour on the phone and ask all the "big" questions. Living situation (ie: with his mother or flatmates)? Intelligence level (ie: what book are you currently reading)? Body type (ie: are you taking advantage of the snow we've been having, skiing)?

Result, you think he's quite a nice guy, he has potential. Or, at least you're cautiously optimistic.

He sends you a message and says how about Saturday night? So, Saturday night you are going to meet for the first time.

Now, you've gone on these first dates before. Actually several. All initiated through online dating sites. All of the them before have been horrendous. You went in blind and thinking of him as a piece of chocolate cake after 6 months of Jenny Craig. And you meet, and, well, it's such a disappointment. He looks absolutely nothing like his online photograph. And you're sure he was talking about someone else on his profile. And you go home completely disheartened by the entire process, go straight to your computer and delete your profile and swear off dating for at least a month.

2 days later you put it back up. And you meet Mr Saturday night.

Do you go in with a jaded sense of "God, I so don't want to be disappointed again", "I'm strong, gorgeous, intelligent and altogether freaking fantastic, but I just can't do this again." Well, that's what the voice in your head is trying to tell you as you walk into the bar and see him sitting there and your heart drops out of your body and you go "Oh, no, oh, no, no, no, no, no".

Is there some sort of mantra out there that I can chant to myself as I walk into the restaurant on Saturday night. I've read Dr Phil's Love Smart, I research and learn all I can to be the best me I can be. How do you turn off that little voice, that little cynical bitch in my head, who constantly reminds me that I've done this a thousand times, and each time it never works out... how is this any different. I want this to feel like the very first date I've ever been on (seeing that I'm 32 this is quite a difficult task). I don't want to take a reference from any previous failed attempt. He isn't anyone I've dated before. He could be uniquely different and utterly fantastic.

So, my question *with a big cheeky grin* what the hell do I wear girls????

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 8:59pm

Well, I meet for coffee so I avoid the whole big Sat night date potential disappointment thing.

So my mindset is basically, "this should be fun, it's a chance to meet someone new and we'll see what happens. But if it's not fun, then it's just coffee!"

I'm an optimist so even though I'm realistic and don't have any expectations because I know from past experience that it's a mistake to have expectations, I don't have a negative voice in my head. It's more "hey, we'll see". So maybe you can change the voice to that?

I'm off to another first meet tonight--this one is for drinks not coffee to accommodate his schedule so I'm a little more nervous than I would usually be, but I know I'll be fine if we're not a match. That's the other thing to keep in mind.

And I always wear black ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:07am

How about just going in with the attitude that this is a cool new person to meet -- and you're just going to enjoy the time (and have a good meal too)? don't worry about it not leading to something -- just go, relax and enjoy.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:58am

As everyone has said, the main thing to do is to NOT build up those expectations so high before meeting so they get dashed when he doesn't meet up to this pie in the sky image you have of him. You simply look at it as an evening out and a chance to meet someone new and have a good conversation. You don't say to yourself "WOW! This guy was SUPER on the phone - he lives on his own, he is smart and funny, he's athletic and toned! We're gonna have a GREAT night!! woo hoo!" You say, "He sounded nice and I think we'll have some things in common to talk about over dinner. If it goes well, hey, great, we'll see. If there's no connection - no loss. I'll hav a nice dinner."

I too also prefer to meet for coffee or drinks for hte first meet rather than dinner. Dinner is a lot of pressure to 1) feel like a DATE and 2) stay through the rest of the meal! hehe Dinners can go a long time on a Saturday if the place is busy, yadda, yadda. Coffee you can get in and finish in less than an hour if it's not going well and you have not blown a whole evening, just and hour. And it's much easier to end a coffee or drink meet. You finish up your drink and you say "Hey, I've enjoyed meeting you but I told some friends I would meet them at X time. I should get going."

As for what to wear, I usually wear my favorite jeans and a nice top!

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