Online Dating Troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2005
Online Dating Troubles
8
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:07am

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this whole online dating thing, and so far it's been pretty frustrating! A guy and I will start emailing and, in about the 3rd round of emails, I'll email him back and never hear from him again!
I go over the emails to see what happened but there isn't anything out of the ordinary. This has happened to me 3 times now, I've only been online dating for about a month. It's starting to make me feel worse rather than better about dating.

Does this ever happen to anyone else?

Thanks in advance for your help!

Lynny

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:14am
YES, it happens. 90 percent of the men I've met online played games, or were not serious about a relationship. If a serious relationship is what you are wanting, you need a very thick skin (which I don't have). It is just "one" way to possibly meet people, but be prepared for a lot of let-downs and men who simply drop the ball. Read some of the posts here and you will learn that it is NOT what the eharmony commercials portray. Not by a long shot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:30am

Yes, it happens all the time. Very likely, it's not anything you did or said so don't worry about that. You need to learn to not take it personally when a guy "ghosts" on you (vanishing after a couple emails, calls or even dates) without a trace. It's not personal - they don't even know you so how can it be personal? A great saying a regular poster, Sheri, says all the time is that she views each communication she receives from a guy as the last one. It's not a pessimistic attitude, it's realistic, unfortunately. People have hundreds of reasons for dropping off the face of the earth, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with you.

But yes, you do have to have a thick skin to do OLD and you have to take everything with a grain of salt. It's tough - you face rejection all the time b/c not everyone you talk to or even meet is going to be a connection. You face MORE rejection on OLD than IRL because you are talking to and meeting MORE people. It's hard not to take it personally - I know I used to a LOT. But I learned that if they are going to do that, they are not right for me anyway so I don't let it bug me so much anymore. Not to say that I don't still get gome pangs of hurt now and then, but it's a lot less than it used to be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 10:28pm

Lynny...

Look at it this way. Say some guy emails you for the first time and asks you to marry him. Are you going to marry him based on that single first email? Do you know that after getting that first email? Of course not- you need to meet the guy, date a bit, see what he's like, get to know him and his friends...

So somewhere along the line, you're going to be making decisions about whether or not you want to marry a guy, right?

Well, trading a few emails back and forth is the same deal. A guy emails you, you answer, he emails again, you answer again... somewhere in this process, either you or he is liable to decide "no, this is not the person for me."

Now, it would be really nice if we had a simple phrase to let someone know "sorry, we are not a match, good luck" that we could send them without worrying about whether or not their feelings would be hurt. Unfortunately, we don't have a code phrase like that in OLD.

(Maybe we should come up with one and make it popular!)

Well, since we don't have this phrase, what a lot of people (both guys and girls) do is simply quit answering emails. You might be thinking it's going well, but he's thinking "eh, no, not so much" and he decides to quit emailing you.

That's just how it goes. The fact that you're getting some emails to begin with is a good sign. :)

Dating is all about finding that someone who fits you. There's going to be times when you know from a single glance that they don't fit- if you're a 5'9" woman and a 5'1" guy emails you, and you know you like taller men, you're going to reject him BANG just like that.

And sometimes you're going to have to date someone for months before it becomes obvious that you're not a fit.

Somewhere between that first email or profile view and "months" is where most dating relationships break off. That's what you're facing now. Don't sweat it too much.

Look at it this way- you're not going to be attracted to every single guy online, right? So why would you expect every single guy to be attracted to you? (Well, besides the fact that you're a Superfox!) It's just not going to happen- so don't be surprised and don't be bummed when it does.

Instead, say "well, now I'm that much closer to the RIGHT one" and move on. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 12:54am
Yep, happens here to. Typical.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 10:34am

How funny! I got on here to ask the very same question about online dating and saw this post! I was starting to wonder if something is wrong with me b/c I'll have guys send me two or three lengthy e-mails, get my hopes up, and then they disappear. I'm so glad to see I'm not the only person this happens to. I admit, I sometimes ignore an e-mail from a guy, but if we've already e-mailed two or three times and they've been long e-mails, I always write back.

A guy did this to me this weekend and it was really hard to take. He is the most intelligent, attractive guy I've found online and he sent me long e-mails and it sounded like we had so much in common. Then I sent him some more pictures of me and didn't hear a word back from him. I finally did e-mail him and tell him I enjoyed getting his e-mails but kind of understood he may not feel the same way.

All of you are right--you need really thick skin for OLD! Getting rejected a lot seems to be a part of it. I met my ex-husband online years ago and things went so quick for us, that I guess I keep thinking I can find that again online, but that hasn't been the case. My ex and I met in person less than a week after talking online and we were together five years.

Good luck everyone! Thanks for these posts! They help me a lot! :)

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 5:37pm

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IMO, this kind of email is unnecessary and puts YOU in a bad light kind of making you come off as insecure. You really have no idea why they stopped emailing you. Yeah sure, maybe they didn't like your pictures. But what's to "feel the same way" after a couple emails? You don't even know each other at that point. But seriously, they might have met someone else, maybe their membership expired, maybe they went out of town... there are dozens of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. So even if it IS personal, you don't have to take it that way and you defintely don't have to let them know you took it personally. JMHO...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 7:08pm
Oh, believe me, I am VERY insecure, so you got that part right. I agree with everything you said. I knew e-mailing this guy would make me seem even more insecure and I did it anyway. That's exactly why I post on here and read others' posts--to learn how not to let everything get to me so much when it comes to dating! :) I'm not too good at it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:04am
What you've experienced is very typical on the OLD sites. Don't waste your time trying to read someone else's mind and intentions. Move on to green pastures. And don't take it personally.