Time to move on or reading too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Time to move on or reading too much?
5
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 6:52pm

Hi! I'm a newbie posting on ivillage (though have lurked around every now and then), so please be gentle! =) Rather than overthinking things on my own, thought it would be more productive to ask for your thoughts, so here goes...

Met someone online last Nov and we have been going out consistently (1-2 times/week) and emailing (about every 1-2 days) since then. Things have stayed pretty casual (dinners, movies, etc.) and we haven't had any serious discussions regarding the "us" potential (though it's obvious I'm not dating anyone else). We've had lunch with some of his close friends and my siblings and he's cooked dinner for us a few times. He went through a rough patch a few months ago but that seems to have straightened itself out and he said he appreciated that I was there for him emotionally.

We've even brought back small gifts for each other from vacation trips abroad. The physical attraction seemed to be there at the beginning (unless I completely read it wrong?). But...before he left on his recent trip, I ended up getting a kiss on the cheek and a hug (past hello/goodbye kisses were always on the lips). Then after he returned, it's been the same. The physical intimacy/emotional connection-communication hasn't quite felt the same either lately (though he's been a little inconsistent with mixed messages before) - maybe I'm just being insecure?. I initially chalked it up to cultural differences and that maybe Europeans tend to be more reserved with PDAs...but now I'm confused...

His online profile is still up, updated within the past month+ as well, and I'm sensing that he's been on dates since having met me (which is ok since we're not exclusive). We're still going out during prime date nights and he continues to ask if I'm interested in attending upcoming events together, but he's made no indication about wanting to move things to the next level. I'm torn between wondering if I'm just a filler until someone better comes along, he's made his conquest and now is looking for the next online date b/c he seems to be backing off with me, or if we're only meant for a casual friendship (he introduces me as his friend) (I'm looking for more than this but believe in having a friendship first). I know I could brave having the "where do we stand" talk and taking what comes with it - which may mean risking getting hurt again and moving on. But part of me thinks it's still too soon for this discussion and also wonders if I've been "available" too much for him... I *do* like him but this recent turn isn't helping the unsure feelings on my end either. Thoughts? Help! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 7:07pm

I think three-four months is enough time to decide if you want to date exclusively. Personally, I would have that exclusivity talk with him, and if I wanted to date only him and that's not what he had in mind, at least I would know and could move on. There is no need to waste your time being a "filler" for this guy when you (and he) could be moving on.

It would bother me he's still updating his profile after this long--my dates and I usually decide around a month or so of dating to become exclusive. After that, it just seems like we're filling up time, waiting for the next thing to come along...

Let us know what happens.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:08pm

I'm with the previous poster. IMO 3-4 months is plenty of time to decide if you at least want to be exclusive with someone.

The other thing I would discuss (if you haven't already and it sounds like you haven't) is what type of relationship he's looking for in general, to see if you're on the same page. He may just be looking for what you have and nothing more.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:11pm

Thank you, Timeofbutterflies! (love your profile name too!) A kick to resolve this was just what I needed - having been burned before (I know, I'm not the only one...), so far, it's been easier to not ask the hard questions rather than face the risk of hearing what I don't want to hear (and getting hurt)...

Will report back on what happens - thanks for your quick reply, I really appreciate it!

WF

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:40pm

Thank you for the quick reply, Sheri! Appreciate it! Think I will look for my answers this weekend - wish me luck. I'm trying to stay optimistic and your last comment helped. Also, when we first met, our understanding seemed to be that we were looking for long term and that hasn't changed on my end. But, always a good conversation to revisit as people and priorities change.

The following stanzas from an Enya song about hope/love have helped me to stay grounded so far (esp. the last stanza) - passing them along in case they might be helpful to others. It's the "hope" part I connect with more (and type of "love" is openly interpreted)...

WF

...
One look at love and you may see
It weaves a web over mystery
All ravelled threads can rend apart
For hope has a place in the lover's heart
Hope has a place in a lover's heart

...One breath, one word may end or may start
A hope in a place of the lover's heart
Hope has a place in a lover's heart

...Look to love and you may dream
And if it should leave, then give it wings
But if such a love is meant to be
Hope is home, and the heart is free...

("Hope has a place", Enya)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:31am

You're joking, right?

Guy you've been dating for months doesn't kiss you on the lips? Dates other women? Has a profile up and is active with it?

What more do you need to know? Sweetie, he's not into you. Move on.