Confused.
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Confused.
| Sat, 02-24-2007 - 11:11pm |
Does just fooling around ever turn into more? I'm sleeping with this guy, and when we aren't together we miss each other, he wanted me to stay over last weekend but things prevented that from happening. I'm totally falling for him, and I'm so afraid to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do.
Please help

You've got choices, don't you:
Tell him now. This could lead to three main options:
1- he says "wow, I'm totally falling for you, too! This is awesome, let's get married and have 2.6 children and a dog and everything!"
2- he freaks and drops you like a hot potato, so you wind up breaking up.
3- he doesn't freak, but he says he's not into you the same way but he'll be happy to keep having sex anyway. This can lead to a couple of sub-options:
A- You shred your dignity and say "okay" hoping that he'll fall for you eventually. he doesn't, of course (if he's not getting there yet he won't) and sooner or later you wind up breaking up, only now you feel much worse for wasting time with him.
B- You figure "oh well" and either keep having guilt-free sex with him but try to get rid of your feelings for him, or you say "okay, thanks anyway" and you quit having sex with him. Either way, you're going to wind up breaking up with him.
The other main option is to NOT tell him now. This leads to two main sub-options:
1- he eventually feels the same way and one of you tells the other one, and you live happily ever after. (Note: In a NSA sex thing, this almost NEVER happens)
2- he doesn't feel the same way, and you keep having sex with him until you can't take it anymore and then you wind up breaking up, only now you're miserable for having strung yourself along for that long (because after all, you're the one making the decision so it's your fault) and so you not only suffer the whole time you and him are doing it, but then you suffer for a long time afterwards.
So as you can see, no matter what you do sooner or later you're going to wind up breaking up with him- UNLESS you tell him, and UNLESS it turns out he's into you too. That's unlikely, but hey, you never know. IT does happen once in a while- very, very rare, but once in a while.
And even less common is the "don't tell him and he eventually falls for you" thing. That almost never happens- if he's going to fall for you, he'll already be getting there by now, so you might as well ask him so you can find out.
But since it's way more likely that he's not into you "that way", then your only real decision is whether or not you can keep having NSA sex with him and be okay with it. And you know perfectly well that the odds are you're going to stay crazy about him and it's going to end badly and then you'll be miserable.
So I say tell him. You've got nothing other than a casual sex partner (and it sounds like that's not really what you want to be with him) to lose anyway, and let's face it- men for THAT purpose are a dime a dozen. There's plenty of them for that out there.
If you tell him, and it just happens that you guys are the very very rare case where it works out, great. If not, then you can break it off and mend your heart sooner and move on to the RIGHT guy for you quicker.
The first worst option is don't tell him and keep having sex with him hoping he'll come around. The second worse option is to tell him, he says he's not into you that way, and keep having sex with him hoping he'll come around.
See a theme here? Basically, once one person in the NSA thing gets that feeling, it's over- if you keep bonking it's asking for misery.
So tell him, and if he's not, drop him and start over.
Doing anything else is just asking for trouble, but I bet you knew that anyway, didn't you? :)
I truly believe that honesty is the best policy in this case. If you stay in this and say nothing, you'll wind up getting hurt trying to hide your feelings. If you put this on the table, yes there is a possibility of breaking up. But in the long run, do you really want to be with someone who does not feel the same way you do?
I would say something to him. If he runs, then he wasn't meant to be yours. And why would you ever want to hold onto something that wasn't meant to be yours?
Keep us posted.