Would You Date Someone that Had Kids?
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Would You Date Someone that Had Kids?
| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 2:12pm |
I have been emailing back and forth with a guy from match.com for the last two weeks. Things have been going pretty well in my book, but I am a little confused as to one of his questions in his last email. I could be reading way too much into this because I admit I have a history of doing that. He started out asking my opinion on children and then asked me if I would date anyone that had kids. My first reaction is confusion because I double-checked his profile and it says he has never been married, doesn't have kids, but definitely wants 2. Then I started thinking what if he does have a child or two, but lied about it on his profile? He has made it clear that he wants to find a lasting and meaningful relationship with someone. I am also interested in finding someone to eventually settle down with and have kids with someday. I am 27 and he is 30. I plan to respond to his questions by saying I do want children of my own someday. I am looking for a long-term relationship with someone that I would hope to have children with someday. If it were 10 years from now and I was single and almost 40 with no children of my own, I think I would be willing to date someone with children. I know I am be coming off a little suspicious, but I have been lied to a lot in my past so this question doesn't make sense to me. I am just wondering how other people would take this. Thanks for your advice in advance!

My advice is to just stick to the question he asked. Say whether you would date a guy with kids, and why. (Your answer there is well-thought-ought, I think, and very logical and sounds true to your heart.)
Then ask him why he asked.
I do think you're overthinking it if you're too worried about it. He might just be curious about what your thinking is or what kind of person you are- I know women that asked guys if they'd date a separated woman to see how serious the guy thinks marriage is.
But I bet you're right, and he's probably got kids and just didn't put it in his profile. That's the kind of thing that later leads to trouble because people's lies catch up to them.
You don't want to date and distrust someone, but at the same time there's some basic facts that you can't really take at face value. Like (believe it or not) whether they're married; for at least a little while, you have to accept that you only know what they're telling you and they might be lying about it.
It stinks but that's just how it goes. That's why it's a good idea for anyone/everyone to not be getting all googly-eyed about someone until you've gotten to know them reasonably well.
Sure he may have lied on his profile and have kids. However, I have asked guys I've met if they date women with kids, even though I have none myself. Maybe he is just curious and getting to know your overall perspective as a person. It's strange, though, that he posed that question in an email to you and not just casually in person or on the phone...THAT is what makes me lean more towards believing he has kids...
Personally, I was married to someone with a child for 4 years and it was tough. When we broke up I swore I would NEVER get involved with someone who has kids from another relationship again because of how heart breaking our issues were. I've lived true to that for the last 5 years, but lately as I approach 30-fast, I'm reconsidering. Perhaps not all relationships with a child from another relationship are as bad as my one experience.
I think the way he asked the OP the question is a little suspicious as well. I also think he might be trying to 'coax' someone into a relationship before revealing that fact in hopes that they'll like him so much they won't care. Then again, that could be completely wrong! :)
A couple months ago though, my sister met a guy in a bar. They went out on I think 4 dates before he mentioned that he had a 9 year old daughter! My sister is only 23, so this was a pretty big shock (he was 28). She ended up not seeing him again as a result. I think having a child is too big of a thing to hide, but I think he was trying to see if my sister would fall for him so hard that him having a daughter wouldn't matter or something...
Anyway, at this point in my life I definitely would not date a man who has kids. I don't know if I really want kids anyway, so it's not something I'm worried about missing out on... so I understand if that's a deal breaker for you, it is for me.
Good luck, let us know how it turns out!