Vent and advice needed/mad at myself....
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| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 5:52pm |
Hey all - love reading this site - it's like therapy for OLDers. Here is my stiuation:
Mey boy on eharmony. Talked almost daily in open communication for a little over a month, had 1st date that went really well...chemistry, rapid heartbeats, 2nd date planned before the 1st one ended...all of that good stuff. However, that's when it got weird. He would never make concrete plans with me at the same time, yet would still ask me out for a date. We were supposed to call each other to work out plans for a 2nd date and he didn't return my phone call until the next day, telling me he fell asleep after being sick with a "stomach flu". My instincts (and most of my friends) told me I needed to drop it, but I gave him a 2nd chance because I didn't want to be "that angry girl". (looking back now, I realize I was hooked on the "chemistry" and really didn't see what was going on....). Monday night turned into Tuesday (as he changed the day, again...). We went out Tuesday night to dinner, went for drinks afterwards...made-out a little and came home, him saying things like, "oh - if this doesn't work out with us, at least we could be really great friends since we have so much in common" and "next time, we can go someplace where you want to go." Hopeful, right? He said he would call, and he did, 4 days later to say he was "going to go another way" and that "he had a lot of fun with me, but he wasn't 100% into me". The best was "I really wish I could go out with you again, but I can't....". (Yeah, right.) All I could do was keep saying ok and play it cool, but inside I was telling myself, "I knew it....I knew it...."
I am so mad at myself because looking back, all of the the tell-tale signs were there. I let myself get all caught up in the chemistry and ignored all of the warning signs that this bloke wasn't really into me, or was only interested in what he could get out of me.
I am an independent, hard-workiing educated woman who turned herself into a blubbering idiot, and I hate it.
Is there any hope for me?

Yes, there's plenty of hope for you! :) Dating is so hard and as women we get our hopes up when we think we've found someone who might actually be interested in us. I get mad at myself at times for just not leaving things alone when I know a man isn't that interested in me. I have to push and push. I'm not saying that's what you do, but it is what I do.
If it makes you feel any better I met a guy on eharmony last month. He was really into me, e-mailed me all the time, called, was very polite and then after one date, he didn't want anything else to do with me.
Hang in there and don't beat yourself up too much! You deserve better than a guy who would treat you that way!
Of course there's hope!
Just temper your expectations and hopes a bit. One date (or two dates, or five dates, or even ten dates) does not a "OMG this is THE ONE" make.
Now, date a guy for several months, and see how he acts, and see how things are... THEN you maybe have something. ;)
Hey Brightfame, was his name Brett & do you live in Vegas? I could've wrote that post.
My very first e-harmony connection was hot n heavy for two solid weeks then it got weird suddenly when "we decided" we were better off friends... (he decided and I went along with it!) The truth is, your guy, like mine, was most likely juggling a number of matches at the same time (just like a kid in a candy store!!!)
I've been on e-harmony for 5 months now and have not had a decent connection from it, quite a few first dates & I've sent/received A LOT of CLOSED messages... Actually I'm starting to get bored with dating if you can believe it!
I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I think we all feel the marketing is way better than the reality with these OLD sites!
-- good luck in your search
I'm feeling like a newly hatched chick peering around the side of the egg and saying "Now What do I do?"
For some reason, perhaps it's a memory that only the fun parts have been kept in my brain and the bad stuff is forgotten, I thought dating would be easy for me, once I began to recover from grief and was ready to take a step toward being part of a couple again.
Reading your message, I realized that even women who are far more experienced in OLD are falling into the same traps that I have been....guess I was so very thrilled that I was getting replies at the age of 64 when many of my peers are playing Canasta at the Sr. Center with the other polyester wearing grannies.
I don't wanna play canasta, but I sure don't want to fall for the crap that is being fed to me, like a fish on the hook.
Thank the goddess of OLD that someone (Mark) came up with the ideal words for me to parrot to The Shrink tomorrow afternoon.
And you also will have some opportunities to help someone else by relating your story--me for example.
I joined eHarm (which I have begun to think stands for elle harm) the same time I joined yahoo..daughter talked me into it as she thought I'd get a better class of replies from it...However all I've gotten are many CLOSED before I even read'em matches and men who are miles and miles away.
So frequently, people my age are well established in their town, have family and a house and the wife buried at the nearby cemetery...and so do I, except it's my husband who passed away. I no more want to up and move to the boonies than they want to move to the city. However if I select options that are truer to my expectations, I get absolutely NO matches!
At least Yahoo has allowed me to have the opportunity to meet a few men--even if the majority of them were Capital L - Losers.
So I think I need to spend more time learning the rules--and is there a list of do's and don'ts around?
My youngest daughter says the trend these days is that theres no talk of sex for at least 10 dates----Well, the last time I dated, if the free wheeling 70s that was unheard of!
Although I have learned to be strong, independent and fairly wise about many things in life, I'm unprepared for this dating thing I guess...but know I'll only learn by listening and trying to not make mistakes.
Apparently I was one lucky sister when I started going with my hubby-we had a history of years of working friendship via phone before we even met so I knew he was a nice guy. Now I've got no sense of history with the new men I'm meeting.
Thanks for sharing your angst and pain and know that I've learned a bit from all the reading even though I have no wise words to give you--and here I am usually the wise old crone with so much to say--all I can say about dating is OMG where do I start?
eellee in the great Northwest
Don't beat yourself up - you took a chance and there are no absolutes dating 'early on'.
Hang in there girlie! Belive me it will happen for you. I was in the exact boat as you. I've been on match.com off and on for 2 years, been out on a lot of dates, found nice guys, jerwads, retards, the whole 9 yards. I was getting frustrated and always thought something was wrong with me. I'd get the "you're a nice girl, great personality, but I'm not attracted to you"! So I had it with dating, I was about to say screw it and give up..........til I ran into this one profile, told myself I'm going to write this guy, see who he is about and go from there. Started talking January 28th, met Feburaury 9th....here it is March 2, and we're still doing awesome. We're both happy with the way things are going that we look forward to getting to know each other more and more every day. He's great, he treats me awesome (I do the same for him), I couldn't ask for a better guy and I don't know how I got lucky. I'll be honest guys like him come few and far between.............but it does happen.
Again hang in there....hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Radelle