Problems with intimacy?
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| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 7:46pm |
I know that this doesn't deal directly with online dating although my boyfriend and I met online. I am posting this on multiple boards to get as much feedback as I can. I have always received good advice from individuals on this board. Thanks in advance for your help.
My boyfriend and I have been dating since last summer. Everything is going well, but I have one concern--his lack of physical contact. We have held hands, and he will put his arm around me, but he hasn't kissed me yet! At first, I contributed it to not being comfortable with me yet and not being all that experienced with women, but now I am begining to wonder if he has a serious problem with intimacy. He mentioned that he once was very religious so I thought that maybe that had something to do with it.
I have considered taking the initiative, but I don't want to do anything to make him uncomfortable. I thought that with time, it would just happen naturally, but the way that it is going, we might celebrate a year of dating before anything will happen! lol
What should I do? Should I talk to him about it? If so, how do I approach the subject? Should I take the initiative myself

Is he really religious?
You say he "mentioned" that he was, but is he really? Because quite honestly, other than physical problems, that's the only mental reason a guy wouldn't be physical with you.
But if he's serious- really, really serious- about his religious beliefs, then that might be it. Otherwise, there's either some medical/physical/mental illness issue, or he's just not that into you.
It's one spot where I differ from Greg in the HJNTIY book. He doesn't seem to make any allowance for people with very strong religious beliefs when it comes to physical contact; he pretty much thinks that if a guy is into you he's going to be trying to get into your pants.
I disagree. I have known a couple of people that were just THAT serious about their religion that they wouldn't get physical until they were married... and one couple I knew wouldn't get very kissy at all, because they believed (probably correctly) that it would be really easy to lose control and go all the way.
Me, I think they're nuts, but that's their choice.
The other thing is that he might have some kind of physical/medical illness that he doesn't want to have to get into, so he doesn't get into contact with you. If that's the case, and if you like touch, then you're going to have some hard decisions to make.
Or he might have a mental/medical illness, like intimacy issues that you mention, or perhaps he was abused earlier in life and now is uncomfortable with that stuff.
There's another option- he could be gay and in denial about it.
Yikes. Hope you're not completely depressed by now!
The obvious question is this- have you brought it up with him? What happens when YOU try to kiss HIM? You say you don't try, but come on- after several months, even the most religious person (unless he's Amish or something) is probably going to be okay with some kissing.
What it really comes down to is this- you're going to have to ask him. You certainly can't marry him like this, unless you want a life with no physical intimacy; that's a big risk that you're running. If you were to marry him and then expect it, and he doesn't deliver, he could rightfully say "look, I'm just not into that stuff, you knew that from dating me for months"
So I think you're going to have to ask him. Look at it as an opportunity for growth and figuring out where you guys are instead of a negative thing!
Best thing to do? Just talk to him about it... there could be 100 reasons why and honestly, I wouldn't want to put anything in your mind. Just directly ask him as communication is the most important element in a relationship... Just let him know you've been wondering about it and wanted to know if there was a reason for it...
Let us know how it works out.