New to OLD/need help !!HALP!!
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| Thu, 03-01-2007 - 5:07pm |
Hi..I’m new to I-village as well as new to dating again-I’m a widow in my early 60s who looks and acts at least 10 years younger—and when you are 60, 10 years means a lot .
Needless to say, online dating is too strange for words. Since I’m retired though, I have a hard time meeting men---don’t hang out in bars or churches or the senior center so thus far have had no success in meeting men face to face as we did in the olden days of 1960.
I’m fairly intuitive and have been pretty savvy about some flakes I’ve met online-thanks but NO! BuBYE!! Now I’m in a quandary over 2 men I have seen a few times.
Guy # 1—the Shrink- is my age. Nice looking, sophisticated, lots of interests, talks well, likes ethnic food, jazz etc, makes ok money BUT is not yet divorced.-He is going thru the first stages though and says “We have been separated for quite a while"—no definite length of time volunteered. He bad talks his wife, ie: cold, un loving, lied to him about liking sex, not friendly to his friends etc. He also has children 12 and 7 (a late bloomer as he was a Catholic priest for his young adulthood-Vatican II gave him an out)-After priesthood, he spent a long time single having all the sex he missed growing up. Finally married a woman who was a strict Catholic and didn’t believe in pre-marital sex. According to him, they had a very cold relationship for 13 years and he stuck it out for the kids. I hear my alarm going ding ding ding….Now the man has turned needy, clinging and is talking to me frequently about all the stress he is going thru with his divorce. I listen because I’m a mom and a comforter and it’s ok for a friend but not what I want from a relationship. I realize that I erred from the get go in encouraging him to talk because he seemed so sad a couple of times we went out--and I asked if he felt well--he started to tear up and got embarassed and of course my heart just sent out to hom--Niow I think I was just suckede in to comforting mode -but it's all not awful--we have neat philosophical discussions and talk about various religions and their background, pjhilosophies of different cultures, went to a movie with sub titles which tells me he has patience.
My intuition says he isn’t anywhere ready to start a new relationship and I have told him I am being very cautious and moving slow—he is really wanting to go to a new stage-as in have sex—and he does set off some sparks, but I don’t want to do anything in a hurry because: A) one night stands? (been there done that—not wanting it any more. B) have realized I’m not in any hurry now that I know I still am attractive to men and C) my husband is a hard act to follow and I’m picky.
How do I politely tell him that friendship is fine, hugs and kisses are fine but no further until he has dealt with the emotional turmoil his divorce is causing him. I don’t think he wants “just sex” I think he is in a rush to get a commitment and give one. I think the ego is shot because of the divorce. or maybe he is happy someone likes him !I’ll be a friend though I don’t want to be his shrink—and I want to say-You need some emotional counseling Guy…..A few nice tactful ideas would be so helpful! PS today he told me he is pulling his Yahoo profile down and asked me if I was keeping mine up..Well I signed up for a year and I said “Well, yes-duh- I have 8 months to go on my contract with Yahoo! I need to be quietly kind with him but firm..and I’m clueless how to go about it.
Guy#2-the Kid is A hunk, funny, a construction worker (I worked in construction when I worked also so we have the background of physical labor in common) His kids are grown and almost gone. He makes good money, I laugh like crazy when we are out together and he also wants to pull his Yahoo profile down. So what is this urge these guys have to meet me and 2 weeks later are doing the profile thing which, I hear, is akin to a proposal .He as been divorced 12 years and stayed single because he had custody of his son, the middle child who is deaf and required a lot of care, concern and effore-We also agreed on my reason for not dating--not wanting to have the kids grow to like someone and then have them leave.
Oh BTW-the Kid is 20 years younger than I—as in my eldest son is his age-44. He has dated older women frequently-says he prefers them because they are more interesting etc etc. He was in a LTR with a woman older than me and she decided to move to AZ from OR-his kids and grand child is here and he didn’t want to move, so she left. He is NOT pushy about sex, is very polite, has asked that I set the ground rules for our relationships progress-as in I make the move when/if I am ready to move things up a notch.
I’m puzzled and confused. I like these guys but not ready to stop looking. I’ve only been out with 4 men in 3 months (there aren’t a lot of active men in the 50-70 range it seems, or if they are active they want a 35 year old woman.
OTOH, it doesn’t appear I will have a lot of problems meeting men and since I was with my husband for over 20 years and intentionally single and celibate for 10 years prior to that as I was a single parent of 4 kids with a full time job—I had no time for dating and wanted to spare my kids the angst of more separation anxiety if they became connected with a boyfriend.
So-polite terms for telling #1 I don’t want to commit to a sexual relationship until I have met “THE” man and I know that we both are ready to be monogand want to continue to spend time with him, but don't pull the profile down because of me.
If you understand the above—bless you If you can ship me a clue or 2, more bless yous!
Eellee in the great northwest

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I'm a 53 yr old guy who also lives in the beautiful Northwest (Portland).
My take is that for Guy #1, it is all about communication. Relationships are great practice to do this. This has nothing to do with dating IMHO. This has to do with knowing what you want, knowing who you are, and knowing how to communicate that to others (regardless it is a guy you are dating).
I am sure others here can tell you that dating separated, i.e. unmarried people IS a big red flag or as you put it, alarm bell ringing. As Dr. Joy Browne (author of Dating for Dummies) recommends, don't date until the divorce papers are signed, separated=still married. The separated or newly divorce person uses others as their emotional band-aid as you are experiencing right now.
How to tell him? As you said, firmly...straightforwardly, directly, and compassionately as possible with no waffling. And stick to it. I believe the lessons women should learn is that they do not have to take care of others... to use a term "co-dependent" ... nuff said.
Do you want the words? "XXX, Even though I have enjoyed our time together and your wonderful qualities, I do not want a relationship with someone who is still married and still have things to work out for himself. I want time off so that you can finish your divorce and so I can continue explore for myself. Please feel free to contact me after you signed your divorce papers and have given yourself some time to heal. I enjoyed our time together and wish you well. Goodbye." If he cries or begs then I would suggest you give him a hug and leave.
Mark
Thanks Neighbor-can't tell you how much I appreciate your support and the way you even supplied the words to say!
I spent much of yesterday cruising various sites about dating to discover that, like so many other things, the whole concept of dating has changed as time has gone on. I discovered so much that I never knew- I had assumed that I'd simply fall into dating the same way I did when I was single in the 60s and 70s, and even prior to when I married in the 90s...I had known my husband from work so we had an established relationship and mutual regard for each other-if just by phone. When we met at a volunteer organization, we knew each other instantly from the sound of each voice. We hung out as friends for years before taking the next step--it was natural and easy and as a resullt our marriage was also natural and easy and so very fulfilling.
I realized I'll never find that type of long term friendship again unless I try to find a date amongst the phone company workers I knew for 30 years .
In any case, Thanks to you I dealt with an awkward, difficult and potentially painful suitation for both myself and someone else with grace and in a caring way...but not too caring.
I was able to rephrase your words to fit the situation and, though he was left down hearted and I felt like a monster for a few moments, I realized that I didn't want or need his problems and he was using me to avoid dealing with these problems.
We left it at, as you suggested, him calling me when his divorce was final and he had gotten help for the emotional turmoil.
He replied with "But you'll find someone else by then"--and I simply looked at him and said "I hope to see you later."Got up from the table with check in hand, paid it and walked into the pouring rain--a movie noir scene to be sure.
Yoh have a talent for saying the right thing and I appreciated being on the receiving end of that wisdom. Let me know when your book comes out...oh... no book in the works? Well why not!
Elle in rainy, muddy, soaking wet Beaverton-and the puppy wants a walk of course so out I go.
BEAVERTON???!!!!?????? Hey that is where *I* live!!!
ROTFL!
Check my profile and drop me an email.
Hey I'm seeing Sheri aka Northwestwanderer this Sunday for breakfast. She's coming down from Seattle.
Take care!
Mark
Ah, too funny, small world!!!
Looking forward to seeing you.
Sheri
Singing "Its a small world everywhere"
No S**t! How strange--I read you also lived in the Great Northwest, but figured you sounded like a Seattleite-ya know-wise and sophisticated and techie.
Absolutely strange that my first post to iVillage should be replied from someone so close
Da Ta DaDA Da Ta DaDa (thats Twilight Zone music.)
Mr Shrink called me this afternoon asking if he can call me. AArrgg I thought I'd been really clear--but he said that it helped him so much to bounce things off me. I politely replied that was exactly what I didn't want from this new of a relationship and told him no.. He could only call AFTER he had..... Yada Yada Yada
So I live by the TV Park and Rec Swim Center on 185th You?.....and don't be telling me you are in the apts down the street and you have seen me walking my scotty dawg every day.
eellee
I use to work at Intel (got laid off) at Cornell Oaks so I would bike by the Rec Center.
I live off near Murray and Farmington within walking distance of Murray Hill Crossing (Murray & Allen)- where the McMeninmins, Papa Murphy's, UPS, Great Clips, Shari's shopping area is.
I got a great shepherd-husky mix myself. I tell people that my dog and my children are my best selling points for EVERYone loves them. Me? Hmmm I wonder why I'm still single LOL. Of course my dog is a babe magnet.
markhappyguy on yahoo to get a hold of me.
Mark
So you live right by my daughter-she's right off Murray and Davis. Cornell Oaks is where I used to run in before it was all built up. Sunset High had the x-country track there and I'd run thru a path in the woods behind my house into the park and to the freeway. Was a nice run-then Now there is a back route into the parking lot from my street..isn't this fun and funny also.
You all seem to have a nice community here and one that, I think, will really help me get my center centered so that my OLD is less stress/more success.
On the happy side, I have decided to continue seeing the Kid, who is my eldest sons age (and son also used to work at that Intel facility about 13-15 years ago.)He and I had a good time together. We are meeting again on Monday, when it is supposed to be sunny, and seeing what the day brings. I'm much more comfortable with him, as opposed to the previous men I've dated. He's not trying so hard and I think and puts me at ease.
Also very flattering and complementary AND he invited my dog to come along.
I'll check out your yahoo site tomorrow--no surprise I'm also on yahoo and eharmony (which so far has not been worth much to me.)
elle the neighbor
Its NOT easy out there, is it!?
I dont know, i think the psyc has too many issues. & you dont seem very "into him".
Heyyyyy Rebecca, I will NOT be eellee's boy toy! Maybe her daughter is available :-P....
Mark
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