When two guys from OLD know each other
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| Sun, 03-04-2007 - 2:28pm |
Hi all. Sorry I haven't been around for a bit, but I got very busy at work, and I also got to feeling that I was spending too much time/energy agonizing about OLDing.
Now I have what I think is a legitimate question, which as often is the case with me, begins with a story.
Back in December I was in touch with a very interesting guy from another state who said he was going to relocate to my area. He e-mailed me, im-ed me and eventually we talked on the phone. We were supposed to meet in early January, when he was coming into town on business. Then abruptly, right after Christmas, after saying that he was going to phone me two days in a row, he just never communicated with me again. I was not happy, but not terribly surprised either. That is OLD. Because he ghosted on me, let's call him Caspar.
In January, as some of you may remember, I met a guy I called Sean. It was while I was doing the "he likes me, he likes me not" melodrama around here that I decided to stop OLD and drop out of ivillage for a while. I was getting tiresome even to myself.
But I did go on dating Sean. We've developed a pretty steady, casual, not-exclusive dating relationship. For tha past month we've had lunch at least once a week. We talk on the phone or in IM at least every couple of days. We've been out on a couple of weekend evening dates which have ended in something more than a kiss (but no major intimacy). I've gone on two dates with one other guy during this time (and that's a story in itself). I assume Sean has dated other women, but of course, we don't discuss it.
Since I have known him, Sean has sometimes mentioned a friend who happened to have the same name as Casper, but I never thought much about it. I mean, Casper's real name is pretty common, and he is from another state, right? How could he be the same person? But yesterday I found out that Sean's friend is actually Casper. !!!
How small can the world get? I meet Sean online and it turns out he works for a company that works for ours and his office is across the street! I become friends with Sean and he turns out to be best buddies with Casper, who has never even lived in this state! (As far as I can tell, Sean and Casper worked together in yet another state many years ago and have stayed in touch. I actually had another clue, which was a third friend's name, a guy both of them had mentioned, but again, how often do people have friends with the same names?)
And my question (yes, I'm finally getting to it) is: Do I tell Sean?
On the one hand, I think the less we talk about other dates/guys to the guys we are dating the better. On the other hand, at some point Sean may mention me to Casper or may even introduce me to Casper. We're not going to pretend we don't know each other if we are actually introduced, are we? And Casper could recognize my name (which is very distinctive) if Sean were talking about me, which he could for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with our dating.
How would Sean feel if he realized I knew his friend from OLD and never thought to mention it? In his shoes, I'd want to know. But would he?
What do the rest of you advise?
Elsa

Welcome back Elarisa. My take is what difference does it make one way or the other? I see no reason why you need to mention your knowledge of Casper for what is the point? Plus Casper never got back in touch with you anyway so he is not part of your current/present life. What past is past.
If you do meet or Sean figures it out then you can talk about it but no reason to do that until that happens IMHO.
The other thing I do not base my actions on what someone else thinks, i.e. what would Sean think/feels if he found out. I find that does not work too well in my life.
BTW I love synchronities like that. I pay attention to them and look at why that is happening for I believe it is the Universe's way of telling me something.
Mark
Hi Mark,
I guess I worry about people feeling hurt because they weren't told something. But I'm glad to get a man's take that it is not an important thing. Sean is first and foremost a really decent guy. I wouldn't want him to feel that I withheld something from him that he had the right to know. If I were dating someone in real life and he mentioned a friend I'd met and been in touch with before, I would probably mention something like, "I think I know your friend, we met at Brandy's party and talked for a bit after that. He seemed an okay guy." So I wanted to know what other people thought was wisest with an OLD situation.
I don't find these coincidences delightful at all. With all the hundreds of guys from all over the country to choose from, what a weird coincidence.
Elsa