What Do I Say If This Guy Calls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
What Do I Say If This Guy Calls?
10
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:17am

I have a guy friend (Rob) who works at the store where I work part-time. He's had his share of "woman" problems like I have had with men, but he and I are just friends and have talked a lot about our lives, etc. Well, Rob comes over to me and tells me that he has a friend who was interested in taking me out. He was trying to fix me up and said that if he couldn't help himself, that maybe he could help me. Well, when he told me this guy's name, I vaguely remembered hearing about him and thought he was a lot older than me. In fact, he retired from the university where I work during the day. He sent this guy over to talk to me and he wanted my phone number. I gave him my work number, but I was not interested in this guy and I did not act like I was eager to go out with him. He looked at least late 50's and I'm a young looking 46. Anyway, he was not appealing at all and I do not want to go out with him. During my break, another co-worker tells me that she had fixed up her cousin with this guy (not sure how she knew him) and that he turned out to be weird. Her cousin went out with him, but found out he has a belly button AND foot fetish. The cousin said he pulled up her shirt to see her belly button and wanted her to take off her shoes & socks so he could see her feet! Can you imagine??? Needless to say, the cousin did not ever go out with this guy again.

After hearing this story, it only cements my decision that I'm not interested. After doing a web search, I find that this old guy is actually 61! This is totally out of my age range. If this guy calls, I am thinking that I will tell him that I am wanting someone closer to my own age, which would be the truth. I told Rob this and he said to not say that; don't "hurt his feelings". Well, I'm a bit insulted that a guy 61 would think that a 40-something woman would want to go out with him. And he looks older than that even. So, what do I say if I don't mention the age problem? I'm certainly not going to mention his "fetish problem". Anyway, it made for a interesting story to tell my co-workers. In any event, I'm not going out with this guy. I may be lonely, but not THAT lonely. :0

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:02pm

I was once ripped apart by a very nasty, bitter guy who emailed me from CL who was out of my age range. He was late 40s and I was mid 30s and he exceeded my age range by 7 years - he even said that he knew he over it in his initial email. I sent what I thought was a nice email telling him thanks for the email but I considered myself to be a "young 34" and that I was looking for someone more my age. Finished it with a good luck, yadda, yadda. He wrote back reaming me saying that all those younger guys were looking to just hook up with an older woman and throw them away anyway and that since I'm a runner that didn't my leather face give me away as being older than I was hoping they'd think I was. Nasty, mean and downright rude.

You don't need to open yourself up for anything like that so short and sweet is better. You don't need to give details IF he calls just tell him you're not interested in dating him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:42pm
I think I remember that story. No, you didn't deserve the response you got. However, this guy isn't from online. He's a "friend" of a friend and my friend doesn't want me to hurt his feelings. But, do I need to even offer a reason? I feel like that "no, I am just not interested in going out" sounds a bit rude as well if I don't add anything as to "why" I don't want to go out. Anything more I could say that would not sound like a put down or outright lie?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:15pm
I think rejections in real life can really follow the same lines as those online. You don't have to get into much detail. I don't think you have to offer a specific reason - sometimes to me, that almost sounds MORE rude, KWIM? You could say something like after giving it some thought, you don't think you have enough in common. I guess I keep thnking about it from how I would like to be treated from a guy I met IRL - would I rather hear that I am too old or would I rather hear that they just don't want to go out with me because they don't think we have much in common. I think I'd rather hear the second but that may just be me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:32pm
You don't owe him an explaination as to why you aren't interested. Just say you aren't interested in him in a romantic sort of a way. Sometimes when you give exact reasons it could be very hurtful to the other person, and if he asks you why just tell him you would rather not say and wish him good luck in the future. Sometimes it's good to protect feelings, because like vexer said you could get a nasty response from anyone and/or burn bridges with friends. In a perfect world we would all act maturely and understand no matter what the reason, but we all have feelings and reasons sometimes hurt us more than we would like them too. Good luck with this. I think it's good that you are cutting the contact early on so that he doesn't have expectations and you won't be trying to force something that's not there. That's admirable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:36pm
You know, that might be a better "reason" than the age issue, however, I do see the age issue as a legitimate problem though. There is a huge gap there, and I find it hard to understand why a 60 year old man would pursue a 40-something woman...oh well, I guess it might work for some. I will have to see what my mindset is if he calls. Actually, I'm hoping he does not call me since I did not encourage this by any means. Rob said he was not going to say anything to this guy. I was actually hoping Rob would tell him that I was interested in someone closer to my own age. I was willing to meet him which I did, but beyond that, I am not going any further. I've even thought of saying that I was interested in someone else and am not interested in pursuing anything w/anyone else. He doesn't have to know that "interest" might be some celebrity that I'll never meet. :0 Will keep you posted.


Edited 3/5/2007 2:50 pm ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 3:40pm

Yeah, I think the only problem with saying you're interested in someone else is that it can bite you in the behind! If the other person finds out that you're not dating anyone or whatever, they might come back and say "Hey, since you're not dating that person now, you want to go out NOW?" I've had THAT happen too!

I do agree with you tho that it might be good if the friend would step up at this point. I think once the set up goes on the first date, that the introducer needs to stay out of it, but early on, I don't think it's inappropriate for the set-upper to convey to one or the other party that it's not going to work.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 5:51pm

Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 8:20pm

Look... you're making this too hard.

You don't need a reason. You just say "no, thank you" if he calls and asks you out. And if he asks why, you say "Oh, I'd really rather not get into it." If he persists on asking why, you say "Look, I am not going to explain. Bye!" and then hang up the phone.

Why do people feel the need to explain, via some "socially acceptable" reason, saying "no"? Just say no and be done with it.

And here's something- do NOT lie. If you say something like "I'm interested in someone else" and it's not true, it makes you a liar, and that's not good. Many people have BS meters and they just KNOW when you're lying to them. Far better to simply say "no".

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 10:40pm

I emphatically agree. No need to explain or lie.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 9:27am
Well, he did call late in the day yesterday. I was on the other phone when he called, and he asked if I was busy and I told him I was. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner sometime this week and I told him "no, don't think so". He said ok and didn't ask anything else or keep me on the phone, so that was easier than I thought it would be. It would have been easier, in my mind, if Rob had just told him that I was not interested and would have saved him the call. Oh well, maybe the next set-up will be a winner. I can hope anyway. :0