How long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
How long?
9
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:18am

So I broke up with my now ex-gf last weekend. We'd gone out exclusively for about... 3 months. It wasn't ever serious-serious, not like talking about moving in together or anything, but we were certainly giving that kind of end-state a shot.

A big part of the problem was that we had an unbalanced relationship- she was a lot more into me, a lot quicker, than I was into her. I mean, I liked her, but there were some serious problem spots that bothered me a lot more than they apparently bothered her.

She knew about these things and we gave it a shot, but it just wasn't going to go anywhere. I felt awful telling her, because I care about her and don't want to hurt her feelings... which leads me into the next question:

How long? How long is appropriate to wait until I repost an ad and jump back into OLD?

Me, well, to be honest since I haven't felt nearly as "into her" as she was for at least a month, I'd be fine with going out with someone this upcoming weekend. But I don't want to be a big creep. I know that it will inevitably hurt her feelings either way, if I posted immediately or if I waited a month, so does it really matter when I repost?

I'm actually not sure if I'll do it right away anyway- I was thinking about trying to meet only IRL for a while and see how the non-OLD thing goes.

Ladies? Advice? Scorn? Here's your shot, lay it on me. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: hjntiy
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:37am

Listen Mister... put that scorn thing in the closet. LOL. ;o)


Anywho, honestly I think it's up to you when you repost (if you repost). Why would you want to allow someone else to dictate your timelines? Your post in another thread stuck with me--about societal expectations and why feel the need to fall in line with them--so I say the same to you here. Why worry about what everyone else thinks and just do it when you want to?


So long as you know that you handled things properly, I don't see a need for you to worry about it... KWIM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: hjntiy
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 9:06am

Hmmmm ... presonally, i dont think you "owe" her anything. You were truthful. You didnt play games or screw her over. & its not like you are on the "rebound" of some long term major relationship. Wanna take ME on a date this weekend? lol

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: hjntiy
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:46am

Yes, the 3 months is the make or break for a lot of people.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
In reply to: hjntiy
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 11:53pm

Man, you ladies are a lot harsher than I thought you'd be.

The answer to the question of "why not repost, it's her problem if she's upset" is that, well, I care for her and would rather not upset her if I can help it!

She's a great woman and I don't want her to hurt any more than she has to. Yes, sooner or later she'll see me back doing OLD, and it'll hurt, but right now she's probably feeling pretty raw and could use a little time to get used to the whole notion of being single again.

I guess I'll just stick with my plan of doing a little IRL dating/hitting on women, and worry about the OLD thing when I see a profile that really super-turns my engine on and I gotta put up my ad so I can email the new woman. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: hjntiy
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:00am

Then "Cherry Pick" by writing to women but don't put your picture up, offer one if they like what you say in your essay.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
In reply to: hjntiy
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:15am

Thanks for the honest opinion. I guess the problem is that it wasn't serious... on MY part. She, on the other hand, was getting pretty heavy into me. And I have feelings for her; just not the way she would have liked, and they weren't going any further than they are at now.

As far as cherry picking... the problem with listing an ad with no pictures is then I'll look like all the hiding husbands on there. No thanks- if I'm going to post, I'll post as me and put myself out there. I always tell female friends to ignore men's ads if they don't have a picture; I can't be that guy!

Sigh. I don't think it's an OLD question as much as it's just a general relationship question- anyone else notice how often that happens around here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: hjntiy
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:38am

You're making way to many generalizations. Prior to my BF I dated for years and years on line (on and off of course) and I met plenty of men who would FORWARD me a picture after reviewing their profile and not once did I think they were married or hiding anything.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
In reply to: hjntiy
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:38pm

Hjntiy,

I like that you're being sensitive toward your XGF's feelings. It really IS a blow to a woman's ego when her XBF or XH starts looking for her "replacement" in less than the amount of time it takes to wash his socks. My XH started looking for someone even before he filed for divorce and, although I did not want him back in the least, it hurt to think I was so easily replaceable in his heart.

Although your relationship with your XGF was short, it's admirable that you are still concerned about her feelings. You may have been "just not that into her" but you do care about doing the right thing. You are not a cad (and believe me, there are a lot of cads---male and female---out there!)

Yes, it is your life and your decision as to when you start looking for another girlfriend, whether IRL or online. I don't think it's going to take you too long to find someone. You seem like a very nice guy who genuinely likes and respects women.

Good luck to you!

Francie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
In reply to: hjntiy
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:07am

hgntiy or however the heck it's spelled and what does that mean anyhow and how do you say it,,ok got that out....
I'm sorta mid way between francie and P-nut in opinion so you can see all we women agree on everything all the time
I also have to give you points for being a thoughtful guy and not wanting to get in your xgf's face right away. It hurts enough to be in unrequited love, it hurts and is embarassing and makes one feel dumb to have a person you cared for looking to replace you right away.
So even though you WANT to date right away ( in another post I referred to this as a lizard brain reflex) the fact that you have your lizard brain in control is admirable. It isn't helping your x any, but I admire it.

I'm new to OLD and at first thought things were so different, but all that is really diff is the words / especially the ones used here..and I still havent figured out what lots of them really mean, but I'm not as leery as I was a couple of weeks ago when I first joined iV.
The more things change, etc.

eellee in orygun