Looking for outside perspectives

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Looking for outside perspectives
2
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 5:38am

I am new here, and read most of these boards as much as I can. I am 52 years old.

My story starts early in 2001, after my divorce was finalized after having been married for 16 years, and I met a man online in the US, he is 55, (I am in Canada) and it started...he came over to see me over the course of that year and I, too, visited him. We spent many months getting to know each other's families, and decided to get married in the course of two years. When he came out here at Christmas following the two years together, (we were to be married in my home by a Marriage Commissioner, everything was arranged) I suppose I was, in my *heart of hearts* terrified of commitment, and it all came out. I was the one that broke it off. He went back brokenhearted. Still, the following year, he always sent me flowers, even on non-holidays, just to let me know that he still loved me. Anyways, it was over, as far as I was concerned.

Then, I met a man in 2004, he is 53... who lived in Montreal, Quebec. We started talking and it was decided that we would meet in-between and so we both made arrangements and he met me at the airport in Calgary, Alberta. He arranged for my hotel room and it was for me. He was staying with his father in Calgary, and we spent a week together. He is a Chief of Police in Montreal and had such a commanding presence, I was in awe. Utterly charming, but I found him to be dominating, somewhat of a controlling person. I thought, what the heck, being in that line of work...it goes with the territory. Anyways, as the story goes, I could never get him to visit me and after two years of waiting for him, never would call me when he said that he would, still...blindfaith being what it was, I waited for him, telling me that I am should be patient, yet he still wanted me to be loyal to him, but was unreliable and always had some kind of excuse as to why he couldn't take the time to see each other. If someone is important to you, do they not find a way, and it was always, to this day...excuse after excuse. His son is grown, he is retired, there is nothing holding him there, so why must he continually test me and make me wait for him?

Now, my US man and I started talking again, slowly, this past November, and it all started again. I never stopped loving him nor me. This is, as he says, our second chance at a new beginning. He told me that he would pursue me and that he is coming back for me. He is a stable, loving man. And, as they say, it is the stable ones that women often marry. Yes, I do love him, I guess I never stopped. And I have been alone on my own for six years now so I am ready. Perhaps I was not fully ready to commit myself to a permanent relationship at that time. I do not really know why. Now, being alone, I have gotten to know what I need and want.

My questions are these ...... Although the policeman in Montreal is charming, something doesn't add up, what the heck is he hiding? I believe there is no wife, he is probably set in his ways, being 54 and just retired from the force. Who knows? I am tired of waiting for him to make up his mind ... enough is enough.

Back to my US man, I do love him and he has given me so much attention, every day, flowers sent to me, and he calls me every other day. He doesn't expect me to do anything, he tells me it is the man's purpose to court the woman. He is coming out here in May and I believe he is gonna formally propose...he has hinted at it, but I kind of asked him the other day, although he sounded sad and told me that I was taking away his thunder (I think he had it all planned and was to be a surprise) and he said that he has every intention of formally proposing for my hand in marriage. Awwww....

How do I tell the cop to leave me alone, and that I am tired of waiting for him. After all is said and done, I think he knows a good thing, has me waiting, and is stringing me along. I suppose he is doing this because I let him, because he can. So how do I tell him that I have wasted my time and it is his loss. He did say countless times that he doesn't deserve me, I guess that is telling right there.

And marry the one who is good for me? He keeps his word, and is kind and loving, incredibly romantic, and never stops telling me that he loves me. The important thing here is that he loves me and shows me. My mother gave me advice long ago before I was married and told me if there came a choice...always choose the man who loves you more. I suppose there is truth in that.

Thanks, long I know, but if someone can get through this,
I would appreciate some feedback.
I must say everyone here is so insightful and such a team effort is shown.
A lovely group, to be sure.

~Cheryle~

Edited 3/6/2007 7:02 am ET by sleeplessinmission

Edited 3/6/2007 7:15 am ET by sleeplessinmission




Edited 3/6/2007 7:20 am ET by sleeplessinmission
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:43am

<>


Very simple. You say "leave me alone." Honestly, it comes down to that. The cop probably can sense that you really do want him to contat you, hence the reason he keeps doing it. I had a guy like that and even when I would say to not call, he would. It wasn't until I told him straight forwardly that I saw no reason for us to keep contact, that there was no purpose to it, that he left me alone.


You sound like you have a good guy in the US man. Don't mess it up by allowing this other guy to still have space in your life. (And only you can control that.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:38am

Hi Cheryle-thanks for your post and story. I'm new to being in the dating scene but am the person my friends always ask for advise so Ill give you my 2 cents US. Also I'm more of an age with you though a bit older (64)
Having dated cops I have to say your cop, though now retired, is still acting like a cop and always will. I hate to generalize and I am sure there are cops with great marriages, but I haven't heard of many. They have different social skills than we citizens. I wouldn't waste too much time feeling sorry for him as it sounds like he has pretty much walked over your good intentions the past 2 years. Nice start-crumby ending.
You can call him and either blast him with the truth (you thoughtless, self-centered, inconsiderate, yada.yada,yada) or do the womanly thing and tell him you are sorry but you have found a long lost love (and bye bye cop).
Either way it will give him another reason to tell his cop buddies how he has been yet again shafted by a woman he treated like a queen-they will all agree and buy him lots of beer as they all sit around and feel sorry for themselves instead of spending time with their wives or girlfriends.
However, aside from the cop, I hear some mixed feelings, a little maybe? still about your US guy.
What do you really want to do?
Are you happy being single? Are you enjoying the free life and having your space to yourself, not washing anyones socks and being able to spend a Saturday in your jammies if you want.
I've been alone for the first time in my life!! for 2 years now and though I miss my dear husband I have to admit that I have some pleasures being alone also...thats why I am not interested in having any more than a friend for a while.
Do you want to get married again really? Are you and is your US man perhaps willing to give your relationship a handfast instead of full fledged marriage? A year to see if it will really work.
Thats what I did with my husband 15 years ago--he wanted to marry, I had been there and did not wish to do that again, so we compromised on a handfast-or living together-for a year with the possibility of one of our decisions to separate at the end of the year (well instead we did get married for real).
I think you ave given this lots of thought and maybe overintellectualized it a bit.

Really, break this down to a simple situation. Whats really important to you and can any of the men you have met fulfill that?

I know I have not answered your questions exactly but perhaps just a shoulder, in the cyber sense, lean or cry on may help. I wish Mark had read your post-as he is so inciteful and has a wonderful and not always traditionally male perspective. Perhaps he yet will.

Best of the best to you in whatever you decide is right for you Cheryle. I'm sorry you haven't posted more and are considering forming an exclusive, as they say in the OLD world, cause I think I'd have enjoyed bouncing things off you.

eellee in oregon