Not sure what to do, need advice
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| Tue, 03-06-2007 - 11:23pm |
It's been a couple of weeks since I posted, I met someone on CL 3 weeks ago and we seemed to have really hit it off. He calls me all the time, I've met several of his friends and his sister and we go out about 3-4 times a week. Up until a week ago I was still talking to other guys and I even had a 2nd date with a guy I had saw once before C. That date didn't go well, and I decided after that night that I just really didn't feel like dating anyone else and wanted to see where this thing with C. was going to go. This past week has been awesome with C, that is up until tonight.
Tonight C. called me and we chatted like usual about how our days had gone, etc. Then I asked him if he would be interested in comming over for dinner tomorrow night. Thats when he told me that he needed to tell me something. He basically told me that he had a date with another girl and he felt like he should be honest with me rather than lie about it. He said that he really likes me and wants to get to know me better, but that he is a slow mover on deciding how he feels about someone and his ultimate goal is to find a long term relationship with someone that is right for him. He said that he had already planned this date with the other girl before he had met me because it was an E-Harmoney date. He also said there was one other girl that he had been talking with and was probably going to meet her eventually. He said that he didn't want to stop dating me, but he wanted me to know where he stood and that he wasn't ready to decide on one person just yet. He did say that the possibility is there that it could be me eventually, but he just didn't know yet and needs more time to get to know me and the others.
We have not had the exculsivity talk, so I know I really have no right to say he can't date other people and I honestly wasn't trying to assume he wasn't, but I almost wish he hadn't told me about these other people. He sorta just threw all of this at me. I never once in the 3 weeks asked him if he was dating other people. Him telling me this tonight it really upset me. Stupid me let him see that, it was hard to hold it back because he was asking me if I was ok and kept talking about it until my emotions came out.
He told me he felt really bad that he wasn't at the same place as me yet. And he really doesn't want to hurt me. He said he truly does want to get to know me and he said that he isn't the type to keep dating others once he is in an exculsive relationship. He said he likes what we have and wants to continue getting to know me. He asked me to go out with him this Friday. I did agree, but I'm frustrated with all of this and honestly jealous and upset.
I'm torn about what to do with this. On the one hand, part of me feels ok since we never agreed to exculusivity and on the other hand I feel jealous and insecure now. I really, really like this guy and I want to see where this goes, but now I'm afraid that because I know this information that he is seeing others it will ruin that chance for me. I'm worried that this information is always going to be in the back of my mind now.
We haven't had sex yet, wich is good, but we have gotten pretty close to it. He told me this past weekend he wasn't ready for that, and now I know why. He assured me that he wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff with the other girls because he isn't that type of guy to be physical with more than one person. He claims that he is telling the truth but he said he understands if I don't believe him. I'm not really sure at this point... I want to believe him because he seems to be honest with me, but on the other hand so many guys just say stuff like that.
So, I know him telling me all these things isn't entirely bad. He does still want to get to know me and see where this goes which is good. But, I can't help that I feel upset about this. I don't want to be, but I am.
I'm tired of dating other people. I've gone out with probably 15-20 guys in the last 4-5 months and I'm burnt out and ready to just be with one person. I realized in this last week that I was really really into this guy. I just wish that he was in the same spot as me.
What would you do? Keep going out with him see where it goes or cut your losses now and move on?
I wasn't planning on having any kind of exclusivity talk with himuntil 2-3 months into it anyway, but it kinda got thrown at me and it upset me more than I thought it would. I sorta just thought that we wouldn't say anything about it until we were both ready.
'm frustrated with myself for falling for someone as fast as I did and now I'm scared of getting hurt. I keep feeling insecure that he will pick one of the other girls over me which of course is a possiblility and there are no guarantees anyway.
I just really felt a connection with him and I just didn't feel right for myself going out with others but now I'm thinking maybe that was a mistake. But even now, I'm not sure if I want to go out with anyone else. I just don't know what to do about all of this. This thing has thrown me for a loop. I want to be ok with this, but I'm just not sure right now.

A couple of things. First of all, don't be frustrated and down on yourself- you're only human! So you're falling for a guy... that's perfectly okay. He sounds like a pretty decent, nice guy, so if you're going to fall for one, falling for a decent, nice guy is a good idea. They're much easier on you than the jerks. ;)
Second, don't sweat that you showed your feelings. You have to be yourself. There's nothing wrong with that and no shame in it.
Third, no, don't quit dating him! There's nothing wrong with either of you going out with other people unless you have the "exclusive" talk. Going out with different people is how we find out who we are attracted to and who works well for us, isn't it?
My advice to you, as a guy, is to just keep seeing him. Don't have sex with him, don't freak out over stuff you can't control, and just try and enjoy the time you DO spend with him. If you get to a point where you simply cannot keep seeing him unless you guys are exclusive, tell him that- but do it in a calm, rational manner.
And then the decision is in his hands. So far, it sounds like he's into you enough that you're meeting his pals and sister and stuff, so it's all good.
Look at it this way- the guys you give up on and move on are the ones that, for whatever reason, are not good for you. This guy is GREAT for you- why would you give up now? If you get to the point where the relationship is causing more pain (through your jealousy and desire to be exclusive with him) than it causes good, then it's time to move on- but not until then.
Hang tough.
I think it's really, really tacky for him to have told you that. What good did it do? None at all--it did harm instead, because now you're upset.
So he loses points taken away for cluelessness and lack of tact, that's for sure. But nothing has really changed--you just KNOW what you should have been assuming was the case all along (that he was dating other people). So, can you accept him with this flaw? And at least he was trying to be honest and upfront (even though it was unnecessary, since you didn't ASK him if he was dating other people), so he should get some points back for that.
As far as you dating others vs not, I think you should do whatever you were planning on doing before he told you what he told you. If you were ok not dating others without having agreed to be exclusive, then this doesn't change anything, really.
Plus, you need to keep this all in perspective--you've only known him 3 weeks. Any connection you feel currently is on the surface at best, and mostly your projection at this point. If it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be.
Sheri
I am in exactly the same position as your boyfriend C now.
My advice is to keep dating him. If it was meant to be, he will come back to you. I think what he is doing is a good thing. By dating others, he will know who suits him better. Wouldn't you rather he find out now than later?
But I wish he wasn't so honest by telling you all this. Sometimes what you don't know won't hurt you.
Last weekend, the guy I have been dating for about one and half month wants us to be exclusive. Since I am still talking to other two guys, I didn't agree because I am still not sure about him. I also felt very bad that I was not on the same page as him.
I intend to meet others and by meeting others, I hope it helps me to know what I want.
Thanks for your advice on this. It's good to get a male perspective sometimes. I thought about what you and the others said and I also talked to a few of my male and female friends. I think that you are right. I should keep dating him, afterall, he did say that he likes where this is going and he wants to get to know me better. He just isn't ready for that commitment yet. To be honest, I wasn't ready to be his girlfriend just yet anyway so this really doesn't change that much. I just wanted to focus only on him and see if he was going to be what I wanted. Thats why I stopped dating others last week but haven't aksed him to be exculsive just yet. I think I'm still feeling things out too. It was easy to get swept away with my emotions though since we have been dating so much in the last 3 weeks. It feels like I've known him longer because of that but in reality, I really don't and I should still take time to get to know him.
One of my guy friends told me last night to think of it this way.... these other girls have to at least measure up to what he has with me, because he has already gotten to know me for 3 weeks and he hasn't really gotten to know them yet. So in that respect, I guess I have a leg up on the others.
I think I'm going to just keep doing what I've been doing, go out with him and get to know him. It still sucks that I know he is seeing other people because now that is in the back of my mind, but I just have to keep it in perspective that it's only been 3 weeks and he is doing exactly what I was doing just trying to see what works for him. Hopefully he will see what a great person I am and what I have to offer and in a few weeks/months this will have all been just a bump in the road.
Thanks again,
Jen
Thanks Sheri,
Yeah, it was kinda a shock hearing that he was actively dating others even though I knew it was always a possiblity. It's just hard knowing that he is for sure, kwim? I honestly wasn't trying to assume that he wasn't, but since he had been hanging out with me as much as he was it sorta seemed unlikely. But now I know its because he was still in the phone email stage with the others. I understand why he feels he needs to date others and I feel like I set a double standard since I was doing it myself up until a week ago and now I'm upset with him. But the fact is, thats how I feel and I can't change that. I appreciate that he was honest with me and in reality it really wouldn't have made me feel any better if I found out now or later on. I'm pretty sure I would have figured it out when he would give me excuses for not being available or worse when he told me he didn't want to date any more because of someone else and I had no idea about it. I would have been upset either way, so I guess in that since it's better to know now so that I can put my guard up a bit just in case.
I want him to like me so bad! I just hope that he will eventually see what a great person I am. Oh, and your right... 3 weeks isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things and I honestly am still figuring out exactly how I feel about him too. I plan to go out with him on Friday as we planned and hopefully things will keep progressing.
Jen
Yeah, this situation can be tough. Espeically when you both aren't at the same place. I understand how he feels and I don't blame him for wanting to be sure about what he wants. And to do that it is fair that he date other people. I have also done that in the last few months with several guys, I just honestly didn't expect to find someone that I clicked so well with from OL. I guess thats why I chose to stop dating other people, but I never once expected him to do the same. It just sucks knowing for sure that he is, ya know?
Oh and for the record, I wasn't ready to call him my boyfriend just yet anyway. I just wanted to focus on only him just to be sure. I'm totally cool with waiting a while to put that kind of title on it so in reality what he has told me really doesn't change that much. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's been only 3 weeks even though it feels like much more.
Thanks for your perspective.
Jen
Edited 3/7/2007 12:21 pm ET by jfur5
My advice would be to put yourself on a two-month timetable. Assuming you continue to see him for that long, commit to yourself that you're not going to make any decision about dating him exclusively (whether you're actually dating other people or not) until you've been dating him in person for two months.
And remind yourself that it's not just about him choosing you, you get to choose him (or not) as well, ok? I tend to fall into that "pick me" mentality and I have to constantly remind myself that it's a two-way street and be evaluating him for compatibility.
Sheri
Jen.
This guy sounds like he's really nice---okay, as Sheri said, maybe a tad tactless and clueless in telling you he had dates with other women---but he is being honest. I think it would have been more hurtful to you had you found out by accident that he had other dates. It sucks to hear that someone for whom you care is seeing other people but it's so much better than if he was sneaking around or making up lies to "spare" your feelings. You are NOT being played!
I think it says a lot about his character that he hasn't ghosted on the other two women with whom he has been emailing. Yes, it would be nice if he would tell them that he needs to end their correspondence because he's found THE ONE (meaning YOU!) but you have a very young relationship and he simply is not at that point yet. I think he's being respectful toward their feelings (and I have a hunch he's already told them that he's met you).
But you are right. The jealousy thing BITES. I didn't have any illusions that the men with whom I was emailing and talking through OLD were in contact with other women although none of them actually came right out and said they were. One man did. After a couple of emails, he told me that he'd met someone online shortly before he'd met me and he wanted to see how things progressed with her. She ghosted on him after the second date. He lived out of town but had a meeting in the community in which I live so he set up a coffee date with me---but was very honest in saying that he had a dinner date with someone else that evening. I was dating other men at the time and while there was certainly a twinge of jealousy, I wasn't too upset and found his candor to be refreshing---a little tactless but refreshing. He told me that he wasn't comfortable dating more than one woman at a time, so that's why he had coffee with me---thinking we'd just be friends---but dinner with her. His dinner date with her was a disaster because he kept thinking about me the whole time. Shortly thereafter we began dating and it wasn't long before we decided to make ours an exclusive relationship. He removed his profile immediately. Eventually the relationship got serious and we're getting married this spring.
I sincerely hope this guy, C., is as sweet as the tactless but honest man I met online. I think you should keep dating him and see his honesty as a plus---he's telling you this out of respect, not because he wants to hurt you or rub anything in your face. He isn't playing games with you or pretending he's out with the guys but with some other woman. He cares enough about you---and has the character---to be honest and forthright. I also have a feeling those other women aren't going to measure up to you and that things will work out for the two of you.
Best wishes and crossed fingers,
Francie
One thing I would caution... he might realize what a great person you are and STILL not wind up with you. That's just how it goes sometimes.
I recently broke up with a gal... and it certainly wasn't because she was a bad person somehow. In fact, I think she rocks- she's a fabulous person, a wonderful giving girlfriend, and overall is just a really awesome woman.
But she's not the one for me.
That's how it goes sometimes. Sure, she had some personality quirks that rubbed badly against MY personality quirks, but it doesn't make either of us "bad" people. I think (I hope, anyway) that she's saying "he's a really great guy, yeah he kind of dumped me but I still think highly of him, we apparently just didn't fit" about me.
So what I'm saying is that just like in all other dating situations, in OLD we have to be prepared that someone might think we're a great person and still reject us.
In other words, just because they reject us as a partner (or we reject them, or we mutually reject each other!) doesn't mean someone is a bad person or has anything wrong with them. They just might not be our type.