Do many guys do this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Do many guys do this??
11
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:35pm
It seems like most of the guys I've been in contact with are either just out of a relationship (& still not done talking about it!)or, like the last 2, are still listed with their ex's online for phone #s, even when I call information...so they may not have even left them!! I've been on my own for a few years now & gave it some time before I even started looking. Is it normal for guys to jump in so fast or before things are even over?? Just frustrated I guess!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 9:14pm
I don't know that I'd call it "normal," but, yep, it does happen a LOT. Frustrating, yes. Uncommon, no (unfortunately).












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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:42pm

I definitely think that guys move on faster than women do. I'm guilty of it in the past... and probably even right now!

But it's how we're wired. We're stupid- we'll mention our exes even though most women apparently want to pretend that we sprang up from the ground in our present form and have NEVER had another woman in our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:43pm

since I recently decided to try and meet someone new after not dating (I'm a widow), I've been doing a lot if reading about new relationships and what all the gurus studying this subject are finding out.
Men respond faster to their early "lizard brain" and it's signals to procreate. Unless a man is consciously overriding that primitive brain with intelligence and advanced human thinking, he's always going to be quicker to date than a woman.
Our lizard brain has to spend more time thinking about why we 'lost' our last provider, which is what men are to our primitive brains so we won't make the same mistake again, + if we have children they are the first thing we have to protect from another lizard..er man..
Enough biology? I agree with 'hjnity'-they can't help it, its not a sign that they are thoughtless or evil or not caring, but they can just compartmentalize better/differently than we women do.
Frustrating but ya can't get past biology no matter how smart you are.
I know we want the guys to be over the old stuff before they consider themselves available/they dont/ so just protect yourself by asking how long the new guy has been divorced.
I speak from experience here, having been sucked into a relationship with a guy who was perfect for me except he was in the middle of the divorce. I bought right in to his needy s**t and tried to help/fix/support.
DUH I don't want to do that. I don't want to make excuses for his being all involved inemotional stuff and I don't want to be the rebound lover. After I broke off our relationship I suggested gently he consider himself not available until the divorce was final and he was over some of the stuff going on. He's still on Yahoo Personals and he's still actively writing ( love the way I can check that out but it's bad of me I know)
Just be picky carol and cautious for your own emotional sake.

hope this helps a bit-it helps me to write it!

eellee in orygun

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:47am

Thank you, Hjntiy and Eellee for some thought-provoking comments.

Hjntiy, so you're saying that all guys do this---mention their exes and then wonder why their current SO's are so p*ssed?!? And you're saying that all women wish their SO's had sprung fresh from the ground, without having a past, without having other women lurking in the background, even if those women are long married and live far, far away?

My beloved fiance does this; sometimes he'll mention something he did with a previous girlfriend and he isn't comparing me to her and he isn't hinting that he'd rather be with her---but sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes I overreact and think he'd rather be with one woman or another from his past, even though he assures me he has no interest in any of them and that he wants to be married only to ME.

Before I met him, I was married to a man who was addicted to pornography and would compare me unfavorably to the airbrushed, photoshopped porn queens. The first man I dated after my divorce told me he would't let himself fall for me because he was still in "looooove" with two women he'd met previously online. So for me, almost any mention of an old girlfriend (oddly enough, not his ex-wife) will send me into a pit of self doubt and pity and I'll be insecure about our relationship---even though we communicate well, even though we have deep intimacy and trust each other, even though I feel beautiful and sexual with him.

So he's just doing this out of his lizard brain---that is, he isn't really thinking until after the words spill out and there's nothing more to this than just his synapses firing in a reptillian manner? (You mean it isn't me?) And he isn't doing it like my XH or XBF were, telling me that other women were better than I in attempts to be controlling and stave off intimacy?

Wow. Lots to think about here. Thanks for the food for thought.

Fran

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:22pm
Well, I really cant long distance psych out your fiancee and xbf, but I can say what the law of averages tells us.
Since you are engaged, it's time to set the boundary about what is acceptable to you, knowing that it's also important to forget the little stuff in any relationship.
If fiancee' is continuing to hurt you, maybe some pre marriage councelling is due. Just like pre-nup agreements, settling things before the marriage is important. If these comparisons hurt you, tell him in a neutral setting. They aren't loving and kind thats for sure and may eventually, if he hasn't the brains to overcome that lizard part, hurt your relationship by causing you to continue to be overly sensitive.
However it is important for you to not dump the old behavior of xbf onto fiancee. Thats also hurtful and not loving and may irritate fiancee when he hasn't a clue.
REally women are much more involved in the mental part of any relationship then men are...we drive them nuts that way.
eellee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:54am

Eellee,

Actually, what my fiance does isn't intentionally hurtful. I think he's just being a bit clueless, although I have told him not to tell me certain things about his previous relationships and he honors that. We are indeed doing premarital counseling and are bringing up these issues because, although they're getting softer, the old tapes are still playing.

The XBF was a nut. He had issues with intimacy and did not want to get close. He knew that by comparing me unfavorably to other women, he'd chip away at my self-esteem and I would not want to be in a relationship with him. I think he was the kind of guy who liked OLD because he could "pretend" to be close to someone without actually having to spend time with her. Anyone who has had an online flirtation knows how intense such cyber-relationships can be. And that's because they're rooted a bit more in fantasy than a relationship that takes place IRL. I think my XBF preferred fantasy to a real woman and when he met me IRL, he freaked. But it was easier for him to "fall in loooove" with the women he'd met on the Internet because he enjoyed the fantasy and didn't have to deal with reality.

Bottom line is, I think the XBF wanted to hurt me. My fiance is a sensitive and empathetic man, but he isn't perfect so occasionally the lizard brain takes over and he says something that he shouldn't have said. Now I just tell him it's TMI and he stops to think about what he's saying.

Francie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:43am

Hi Francie--
After using the lizard brain analogy here, and reading others posts using it I have to get a giggle--it fits so much of the unknowingly thoughtless things that men can do--I wish I"d had the chance to mutter "lizard brain' under my breath when my husband would do guy things. We did have a couple of good phrases though, since one of the things we did the year we were handfasted was read Men are from Mars in bed together at night and talk about it. We were both before sleep readers, had to spend a few moments with a book before the body would wind down -I'm sure that came from both of us soending so much time sleeping alone.
If I'd have a problem at work and he'd want to 'defend' me I'd tell him--"Don't fix it-just listen" and he'd growl and say "Man Fix"--silly but it would defuse any pressure or negative feelings about me not being able to take care of myself. Likewise, if he'd come home upset and looking mad, my old behavior would be to wonder what I had done wrong=you know that old programming just as well as I do, right? I'd want to make nice but he wouldn't want to talk yet-so he'd say "I'm going to my cave to beat on drums".
He'd never play WipeOut unless he was mad at something and then he'd rock the house. It's those little things that make any relationship work .
thats also why in my dating now I'm just looking for a friend at first. Russ and I had the great luck to be friends for years prior to our dating. I know I'll not have that kind of long time friendship but it's a key part of a relationship for me now. And a positive part.

eellee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:14am

LOL at "lizard brain"!

I dated someone who told me he scheduled an OLD first meet the day he signed his divorce papers. I wonder if he told his date that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:07pm

Oh, I'm not saying ALL guys do this- just a lot of us. :) We really are clueless about how women think a healthy portion of the time; I think it's because, as a general rule, men are much more literal than women.

A guy goes to a restaurant with his present gf and says "The first time I came here was with Gertrude" (his ex-gf).

The present gf hears this and thinks it means something along the lines of "you're nowhere near as hot as Gertrude" or "boy, I sure miss Gertrude, coming here reminds me of her" or "This place will never be the same anymore since I can't come here with Gertrude anymore".

To the guy, it means that the first time he went to that restaurant, it was with Gertrude. It typically has all the emotional weight of "hey, it's raining, let's grab an umbrella."

:)

Seriously- I've done this more times than I care to admit. And I know other guys have, too, because we sit around and talk about it and then shake our heads and wonder how on earth women hear those other things when we say something so simple!

Now, this doesn't excuse a guy doing it; it's only an attempt to point out that it happens and explain us (guys). If we are to successfully co-exist with women, or even (gasp) HAPPILY co-exist with a woman, us guys should probably make an attempt at NOT doing this because we know it causes women stress.

The flip side to it is that women have to make an attempt to not freak out and start believing that the guy is saying he wants to go back to Gertrude. :)

What I'd say to women in these situations is this- look at what the guy is DOING. Yeah, if you've said "hey, you know, I really don't want to hear about Gertrude" and he keeps mentioning her, there's an issue/problem.

But if you haven't said that, or he doesn't do it all the time, and he's there for you, and he's kind and treats you well and doesn't say crummy things... well, what more can you ask for? He's THERE FOR YOU. These are signs he's into you. :)

Francie, I can't imagine why on earth a woman would stick around for even 5 minutes with a guy who says he was still in looooooove with two (TWO!) women he'd met previously doing OLD, and for that reason he wasn't going to let himself fall for you. I'm so sorry to hear that you were in a spot where you dated a jerk like that; I'm glad you're done with him!

So to answer your question... yeah, a lot of the time when a guy says something like that, it's really nothing. It's if he does it ALL the time, especially after you've had a serious talk with him about it, that you have a problem.

But don't put too much weight on it. Look and see what he's actually doing, what he does, how he treats you. If you can, step back and look at it like a disinterested observer- is he a creep, or just kind of clueless? And don't forget- clueless is frequently the answer!

Cluelessly yours...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:33pm
Thanks so much for all the responses, especially about the lizard. My worst experience was finally meeting a guy I'd been emailing for a few weeks & really thought I would like. He'd said he was in the middle of a divorce so I was warned, but it turned out the first time we met- to go for a nice casual walk- he'd just gotten out of a 4 hour session with 2 lawyers, his wife & himself. I was nothing but a sounding board! Oh & by the way...I think the divorce never went through & they're back together!
Carol

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