Full Figured and Online Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Full Figured and Online Dating
31
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:29am

I was wondering how those of you who are full figured deal with online dating. Do you go forward and say I'm attractive and that's all that matters ( which is the way it should be ), or are you like me and say I wish I could but I should lose some weight first? How do I change that notion in myself?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:33am
What I always did was put up a couple pictures and just never mention my weight or level of attractiveness anywhere else. People could see what I looked like, why elaborate on that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:43am
Many women have, in my opinion, a distoreted self-image. I've been with women who obsessed about their weight when I was perfectly content, and attracted to who they are. Physical appearance is a large factor, to deny it would be a lie. However, appearance is interpreted differently by different people. Give someone the chance to determine who you are, and what you are for themselves. Don't inform them; as your perspectives might not always agree. Best of luck!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 11:59am

I just put it out there, with accurate photos, and let people decide for themselves whether to respond or not.

But if you're not confident about yourself because of your weight (and it sounds from your post like you might not be), then it's probably not a good idea to start OLD yet because it's really, really tough on your self-esteem. You have to have a really thick skin in order to do it without being hurt.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:22pm

I've lost 27 lbs since I first started online dating, and I am still not what you would call "thin."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:27pm

I have to agree with Sheri, Smurf-girl. It's a very cruel hard world in OLD..and the guys are not always kind about more than weight. As a formerly obese woman..and I amnot talking a couple of pounds here, I'm talking obese...who has lost the weight but not totally shed the self image I know how tender those feelings can be. For some reason, being overweight has been given a sort of morality - as in if a woman is overweight, she isn't just overweight, she's a lazy bon-bon eating slob. No matter that an overweight man isn't dumped with either the negative self image or the negative social attitued. It's not fair but it is a reality.

As an aside, I answered a Yahoo profile where a guy of 68, with lots of things in common with me who had an age preference for women who were ' 40-51' totally blasted me for wasteing his time with an email. OK-I'm 64 not 40 but when one is over 60, I just don't get what difference it makes what age the woman is. After all, most age requirements in the younger singles have to do with children or the difference it makes when we are younger in what we have in common. And I'm not an unattractive woman either. Sigh..go figure

So do a good picture of yourslef and include a shot of yourself standing so there is no way the prospective guy can accuse you of tricking him. I know that is the chief complaint in OLD-that men and women use old pictures that show them to good advantage but aren't really who they are now. And best of luck in the dating world. We need it!

eellee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:32pm

I agree with Sheri. I met a guy on eHarmony who was very much into physical activity. In his "Can't stand" list, he mentioned that he "couldn't stand" a woman who was overweight. I asked him to define overweight and he closed our communication. Duh---if he was so interested in a woman with whom he could share sports and physical fitness, why was he looking online instead of at a health club?

Another guy I met online looked me up and down and his face visibly fell. While I'm not obese, I apparently wasn't thin enough for his standards (and honestly, he wasn't exactly in tip top shape himself).

I ended up putting a disclaimer on my Match profile that said that I weighed a bit more than Nicole Ritchie; if a man considered a size 12 to be "fat" please don't waste his time and mine.

I got a very sweet response from a nice guy who said he wasn't looking for a toothpick. We're getting married this spring.

Best of luck to you!

Francie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:28pm

Francie, that's awesome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:31pm
Argh...I keep forgetting to sign out of CL mode when I post on a board I'm just a "civilian" on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:06pm

It just makes me ill to think that a size 12 is considered overweight. When I was at my thinest (a very thin size 4/6) and thought I looked so good, I saw a picture of myself and I looked gaunt and sick. I immediately bought 4 snickers bars and ate one each day in pure pleasure not giving a rip if they were 100% fat!
I thought I'd eat them all at once, something I used to be able to do, but I couldn't!! Physically I mean, I was full after one, which is a reassuring thing because of course the constant fear after loosing weight is gaining it all back..it took me years to give away all my pretty size 18 clothes-I loved them-but when I got to a 12 they hung on me and my daughter told me to just give it up .
I'm pretty tall and at the thinnest I was 119-that was right after my husband died and, contrary to my former MO of eating in stress, I didn't eat and went from 128 to 119 in a few weeks..my doc was about to hospitalize me, but I saw the picture of me holding my new grandbaby and looking like a hag..AACCkkkk..
Now I weigh betwee 14o and 145 which is a nice size 8 on my tall frame, my face is fuller and I am trim but no longer thin. I don't want to be Hollywood thin because it just does not look healthy or good and is mentally sick IMHO.
Really, 12 is a good size I think for any active woman. When I worked (at a physical job and was truly buffed) I wore a 12 an d I know I looked at my best then..of course that was when I was in my 30s perhaps that made the differece..ya think? . Then I ate my way thru a divorce. But still, even though I was heavy in my 40s I could have dated no problem-so guys are out there who are interested in real women, but again I was still buffed but it wasn't all muscles then.
Working out is the very best thing for us to do at any size, and I say that from years of experience. First of all, if you are young and have children, it gives you the strength to keep up. As we women age, we need weight bearing exercize to prevent bone disease. I have worked out all my life as well as had 25 years of that physical work (I was a Telephone installer and climbed telephone poles for a living for those 25 years). and even though I am physically now in a risk factor age for osteo disease, there is no sign of it because I have done weights all my life, and walking and carrying things and just using my body. Now, I have had some injuries (sucks) and can't be quite so physical but I can keep up with a 2 year old just fine, as well as a 5 month old puppy who thinks all I have to do is walk her daily .
So Smurf-girl, join the nearest gym,,honestly you'll be doing yourself the favor of a lifetime. Besides losing weight, you'll tone up and there isn't a sexier body around than one with smooth muscles under that skin.

I am so full of opinions and BS-sorry if I'm being rude here-I still do relate greatly to being overweight and sometimes I feel like I am addressing a peer. It isn't always welcome.

eellee

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:36pm

Men are not judge as much on looks as women and as someone here mentioned, whether good or bad, that is the way it is. The statistic is that in the U.S. about 2/3 of people are overweight and about 1/3 are obese. I grew up thinking/feeling I was fat most of my life so there is this fat person inside my body.

Today at 53 years old I consider myself the buffest I have ever been because of being a veg-aquarium (I love this term... found it off a local alternative newspaper's personals section) and working out 5-6 days a week for 1.5 hrs. I have lost 3-4 inches off my waist in the 2 years I have been doing this. I don't eat processed foods which I think makes more of a difference than watching calories. The exercise is self reinforcing which means that the more I do, the better I look and feel and therefore I want to do more or at least continue. I focus on the cardio exercises for my heart health and for the most efficient way of weight loss but I also do other muscle toning exercises to help my back. The end result is looking good in addition of being healthier. I have always exercised for health reasons (heart mainly) but noticing how my body looks now I do it to keep that going as well.

I admit I am a bigot on assessing a potential mate using looks as a criteria for I have worked hard to be where I am at. But as I mentioned above, that it's getting harder to find women (or men) who are not overweight. I use to think it is related to age, i.e. the older you get then the metabolism slows down and you get fatter. I have seen so many people of all ages that are overweight (teens on up) so the "datable" population is very small if I stick to my criteria.

In my mind, it is a matter of priorities. If you take the time out to do X (e.g. eat) then you can take the time out to walk, bike, go to the gym, etc. There was a segment on one of those daytime shows (Oprah?) where they pointed out that the mid 30s-early 40s mom is going to have a higher risk of death than cancer if she does not lose weight. That gave her a perspective on the importance of being trim, not just for looks but for being around for her children.

I do have empathy with those here who are feeling it is so hard meeting/dating men who judge solely on their looks-weight.

Mark

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