Need advice...Sorta new to OLD
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| Thu, 03-08-2007 - 7:58pm |
Going thru a very difficult, long 18 mos divorce...after 18 yrs of marriage and still not over yet so I feel it is time I start living life again..It's been too long! It's a very complicated divorce..stbx has successful business and live in very nice neighborhood...I plan to move to a much smaller home when the D is over but until then, he has to pay all the bills so I've decided why not live where I live and enjoy it while I can.
Last year I tried OLD temporarily thinking I was ready to meet new people but at the time I had full custody of daughter and had a very limited amount of time. I think more than anything, I needed reassurance that I would be okay after this divorce and I did get that by seeing all of the responses my profile got. After awhile, I really wasn't interested and I realized I wasn't ready but felt good that I signed up because it did give me a boost of confidence.
Now, my stbx has regular visitation with my dd and I have a lot of extra time....not to mention I've had several months to really think about whether or not I am ready. I do feel ready to meet new people, however, I am also very cautious too b/c really don't want anyone to like me for the wrong reasons or don't want to attract the wrong type of people...My stbx conned me for 18 yrs so trusting is hard...but I know eventually I will have to trust and would feel better if I was over this whole divorce mess but am not so ..so a bit weary I guess about even listing the town I am in..and kinda weary about meeting people in my town because of all of this....I want to meet other people but don't know that I want them to know where I live unless it is someone I feel really comfortable with. Has anyone else felt this way? I do want to meet others but want to keep my personal life private too. I'm really afraid that if they see my home...they might think I have a lot of $$ and really don't want to attract the wrong kind of person
I just signed up on Yahoo for a month to see how it works and then may do the match thing.
Is one better than the other for meeting quality men? I've also seen Craig's List but noticed it is much different and a lot of the guys make it clear they want sex...or a date for that night and that's not me....
I have been lurking yahoo and decided to set up a profile a few days ago. After getting a few emails from some interesting guys I decided to give it a try again...I have a few questions and am hoping for some advice..
-After how many emails should you wait before giving your phone number?
-How long before trying to set up a meeting? I remember from the last time that a lot of guys were one line emailers and seems it took forever for them to suggest meeting or some never suggested meeting...but still wanted to chat online..seems to be common from what I have read on here.
-Should I suggest meeting or wait for them to suggest it and also how many dates before you ask someone over...like I said, I don't want to someone to like me b/c they think I have a lot and that concerns me about even bringing anyone to my home anytime soon. I guess I'm just trying to be realistic that if sooner or later I meet someone I like but don't invite them over..won't they wonder why???
-How many dates b/f you go to their home?
Am I being too nervous and worrying too much about this whole thing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

Hi, and welcome to the board ;-)! I'm more of an OLD veteran than I'd like to be ;-), but am happy to share my perspective based on (too much!) experience.
-After how many emails should you wait before giving your phone number?
I prefer to move from email to phone fairly quickly, as I think it's important to meet in person ASAP rather than get into protracted email/phone conversations with someone you may decided within 2 seconds of meeting that you are not at all interested in (online/phone chemistry does not always translate to real life). So I usually exchange 3-4 emails before offering my phone number and suggesting a good time or two for him to call. But I've gotten very good at what to screen for in the first few emails so it might take you a little longer to feel comfortable moving to the phone.
-How long before trying to set up a meeting? I remember from the last time that a lot of guys were one line emailers and seems it took forever for them to suggest meeting or some never suggested meeting...but still wanted to chat online..seems to be common from what I have read on here.
A few emails, a short phone call or two (both for screening purposes, not to get to "know" them, since you can't get to know someone that way)--then meet for coffee.
-Should I suggest meeting or wait for them to suggest it and also how many dates before you ask someone over...like I said, I don't want to someone to like me b/c they think I have a lot and that concerns me about even bringing anyone to my home anytime soon. I guess I'm just trying to be realistic that if sooner or later I meet someone I like but don't invite them over..won't they wonder why???
I suggest it if they don't bring it up. I just say that I prefer to get to know someone in person so let's meet for coffee if you're interested. As far as inviting someone over, I don't do that for a long time--*at least* 3-4 dates before I will even let them pick me up, usually quite a bit longer.
-How many dates b/f you go to their home? Same as above. I've gone to guys' houses early on and it was almost always uncomfortable because there seemed to be an expectation of sex so I prefer to stay away from their houses until I'm ready to take it to the next level, which is after 6-8 weeks of regular dating, 1-2 times a week...so what's that, 8-12 dates or so? Gosh even that sounds too soon, LOL! But I'm getting more and more cautious about that in my old age ;-). I want to get to know someone before I take it to that level.
Sheri
I'm not the vet here Shari is and am fairly new to OLD but not to dating-it had just been a few years.
Like Shari, I prefer to move along quickly from email to phone to coffee during the day at a neutral spot-gotta love Starbucks for that.
I'm on Yahoo and have discovered the canned one liners are usually guys who don't want to join unless they have a chance of meeting someone -not that I blame then of course, having had that feeling of insecurity myself.
But I want a profile and an email on Yahoo and a picture before they get a phone number-in fact, I get their number and call them, blocking my home number.
They get my cell phone prior to our first meet in case something happens that they can't find the Starbucks or something.
I try to take the lead in an assertive and firm / friendly manner. Never let 'em see you sweat
I even role played my first meet last fall with my daughter, and she-nervous nellie that she was, came to the STarbucks before me and sat and watched to make sure I was ok.
She then apologized for all the stress she casued me as a teen and said she feared her daughters first date-well Baby Bree is 2, so hopefully that will be a while.
In the few phone calls we had, I'd try to see if the guy was comfortable talking about himself or if he acted awkward i knew I'd have to carry the ball. Contrary to the way we think that they think-not every guy is a suave Richard Gere. The Kid, who I am in the midst of angst now about, was absolutely unable to write a coherent email and stumbled and mumbled on the phone-all he could say is "My sparkling eyes entranced him" from the pic in my profile-and I admit it is an excellent pic. But, in person, hes fun, polite, a gentleman, able to deal with unusual situations-as in we met at the pet store where I had an apointment to drop my puppy off for her very first day at day camp. He took pictures of me and Fiona and even waited with me for 45 minutes while I made sure she was going to be ok--I really never thought I'd be so nervous about it or I wouldn't have met him there. We went to lunch (seperate cars) and talked for a couple of hours. The second date startedf off for a drink but then wqe both admitted we didn't drink much but we were being sociable..we talked for several hours and then went dancing-and took the light rail into town from a park and ride.
So you see, it's mostly being pro-active in your safety. I have not yet had a man over to my house-came close but I knew we'd end up having sex and so I intentionally left the house messy 'cause I knew I wouldn't bring him home.
I have questions I want answers to also and I think it would be neat if we collected a whole list of these newby questions and had a couple of vets answer them for an article. Inominate Shari and Mark as the answerees.
Keep yourself safe-bounce things off your friend or the list-yes if it feels better, have your friend go to the coffee shop but not with you-she could take a magazine and have a cup of coffee while watching your back. It took me maybe 5 coffee dates to get comfortable doing things. Only one of my meets has progressed to several dates a week for several weeks and came close to becoming intimate. He said he was going to pull his Yahoo profile and asked me to however I paid for a year and intend on getting my years worth . I had alarm nbells going off, however, about some things and fortunatly joined iV-needed to bounce something off someone. My first answer here hit the spot and cleared for me why I had heard alarms and I was able to kindly break the relationship off before I got sucked in further to a co-dependent mess.
Thjis place is great for maybe not hearing what you want but for hearing what you need to hear.
Best of luck and keep writing and checking in-you'll get heaps of answers I bet.
eellee
You're not going to like some of these answers- to questions you didn't ask. Oh well.
First, if you're still married, you have no business dating. Yeah, yeah, yeah- you're separated and it's a long complicated divorce- whatever. That's an excuse. "Separated" means "not yet divorced" which means "still married".
Second, much of your post is about your stbx. You're still wrapped up in that situation. As a guy, I wouldn't want to spend time with a woman who's thinking like that.
My advice to you is to not do any OLD until you're, you know, SINGLE. Not married. And waiting until your head is more clear with the whole divorce/relationship thing is probably a good idea, too.
It'll help you have more success in the long run if you can enter it with a healthy, positive attitude and mindset.
I agree w/hjntiy...I do not "speak" to men who are not single (or at least claim to be -lol)I know after my divorce I was in NO position to date others. You truly do have to deal with that first. Good luck to you and keep visiting IV. People here are awesome and truly care.
Take Care.
K.
Hi and thanks for the advice...I do appreciate all advice whether I agree or not..really... but please I hope I didn't imply I wasn't over my ex....I am so not wrapped up in my ex...I am just wanting to be cautious because I don't want someone to like me b/c they think I have a lot b/c there is a company and b/c of where I live....just trying to be careful..and also watch out for the wierd ones out there misrepresenting themselves or looking for someone to take care of them...
..And yes, I am going through a divorce...18 mos and have no control over when it will end and just feel I'm not living life like I should be when I finally feel in my heart like really living again...I have to disagree on the seperated, still married..excuse thing, no business dating...It's not an excuse...The marriage is dead.....one person can't make a marriage..According to stbx, it was dead a long time ago..and I know most people get on with their lives a lot sooner than I am..and most people don't have the unfortunate experience of going thru a lengthy divorce such as mine..didn't say everyone, but it's rare that divorces last this long.
Also, I know there are others on here whose been through a similar situation and tired of waiting it out...If it were up to me, I'd been divorced a long time ago. ..Our divorce is not like most..it is complicated to say the least....also because he is dragging it on and on...doesn't want me to get anything..and has said he'd fight me tooth and nail until he couldn't fight anymore and he's the one who caused this mess (lots of infidelity throughout our marriage, so really feel my marriage was a complete sham....married only on paper now. According to him, he moved on before we ever got married...
I admit, several monthss ago when I first tried the online thing, I wasn't ready...not b/c of him but because I still had some soul-searching to do and knew I needed more time for me. However now, I feel my head is clearer than ever and have always even through out this , had a positive outlook on my future. I've always been the person with the glass half-full...I do feel ready to meet new friends, nothing serious...just someone with similar interests to hang out with,go to concerts, dinner, coffee and conversation..companionship... something everybody wants.... It would be so much easier if I had the freedom to move to another area..I wouldn't have as many concerns...but even if I wanted to , I can't until the D is over..
I would say, just be upfront and honest in your profile about the fact that you are separated and not yet divorced (you can say something like, "I've been living apart from my husband for X months and expect the divorce to be final by Y" to make it clear you're not freshly separated and that you're moving towards finalizing it). Some people won't have an issue with dating someone who's separated, and the ones that do won't respond.
Sheri
I have to agree some with NWWandered--when I first wrote my answer, I had no idea what a STBX was-took me a while to clue it out.
I found out the hard way a few weeks ago how difficult it is to be involved with a newly divorced person, no matter how nice he/she is. As I am fairly new, I didn't pick up the signs that things were awry just had-as mentioned-those alarm bells going off in my head. He was just barely in the process of divorce and full of the screwed up confusion that so many of us have. He for one has no business doing OLD, yet he's still there on Yahoo-active every day and so other women are still going thru the same BS I did-hopefully they are wiser than I was.
Do mention clearly that your divorce is an long process and you are emotionally over the chaos if, in fact you are.
And, as before, just don't bring up your financial situation-first off it isn't anyones business but yours and if a man is too interested in your money that run/don't walk to the exit.
I haven't found many men OLD who have much money so perhaps there isn't the expectation that there will be women with money.
Since it should be months of relationship building before you invite anyone over to your place there isn't any way he could know unless he is a friend or you and ex are in the papers in your town.
I don't live in a small town, but my sis does and when she got divorced she had to date from communities an hour away to find someone who did not know all about her situation...she and her ex were political/social leaders of the community, owned businesses and hotels together and had been in the community movers and shakers column frequently.
She cut her hair and dyed it blond--something she wanted to do but her ex hated, went back to our maiden name and used a nickname as her first name is unusual and met people that did not know who she was for several years before ending up marrying the husband of a girlfriend who had passed away from cancer.
She hated it and really wanted to move to SEattle, however the small town is a neat one and it's where her kids wanted to stay so she stayed.
You may have to do some unusual things if you are in a situation like that with a small town but it can be done.
Best of luck
eellee
Alise,
You sound like you're very frustrated with your life being in a holding pattern while you're waiting for the divorce to become final. I see a lot of myself in your post and I understand how awful it feels to be when you're in limbo. Like yours, my marriage was over long before we ever even mentioned divorce---yet it took me almost four years after the divorce to even want to start dating again.
Although our circumstances are different, I think our frustrations at being "stuck in the middle" are similar. To make a long story short, I was in a holding pattern not because the divorce took so long---ours was over in only a couple of months---but because I needed to focus on the needs of my children and get my career back on track before I thought I would feel comfortable looking for a new partner. I went back to grad school and wanted to finish my education before I started to look for someone. What kept me in limbo was having to transfer schools---it was the right choice but it delayed my graduation---which frustrated me because I was tired of school and wanted to have a LIFE.
I started dating again by accident rather than design; I met someone IRL, we had chemistry and seemed to have a lot in common, and it felt so good to have male companionship again. After that relationship ended, I thought about putting my social life on hold again so I could concentrate on school and my new job but I was simply too tired of waiting. I felt that I had waited all through my marriage and then for four years after my divorce and I didn't want to wait any longer. That's when I decided to start OLD.
I can't blame you for wanting your life back when it's been on hold for so long. Again, we have different circumstances but I think I have felt pretty much the way you do right now. This middle ground feels like a swamp and you're mired up to your knees. You have freedom but you really don't. You're not really married (except in legal terms) but you aren't divorced either. And because it's such a slow moving situation, it just doesn't get better and there seems to be little that you can do.
No one can tell you when the time is right for you to start dating. I don't think I would have felt comfortable dating before my divorce was final but that's me. I know plenty of others who are ready to date when they're separated---and still others who aren't ready to date but go ahead and date anyway! I think you need to be honest and upfront about the situation and yes, there are some men who won't be interested unless your divorce is final. But you sound like you're lonely and would like companionship and, as long as you don't hide the fact that your divorce is not yet a done deal, I don't see a big problem with your trying to meet people.
I like what you said: you aren't interested in anything serious at this juncture but you'd like someone with whom you can go to dinner or coffee or to concerts, someone with common interests that you can share and someone who can provide some companionship. I think those are realistic expectations from OLD.
BTW, I had no hard and fast rules for meeting people through OLD. One man I found online was someone I'd met IRL and when I saw his profile, I dashed off a quick email to say, hey, I didn't know you were single, call me! Another guy flirted with me for about a month but never wanted to meet because he thought there was too much distance and he didn't want an LDR; another guy lived two states away but didn't see that as a problem. Usually the pattern was that the man and I would communicate via email for a week or two and then he'd call me. If we both felt comfortable after the phone call, we might meet for lunch or coffee, never dinner. One man rushed things and asked me to meet him at the local college campus while his son was in orientation---that was kind of weird. I did not meet anyone in a bar or at night and I did not go to any man's house or apartment on the first date. Prepare for all sorts of behavior, from people thinking that you have an exclusive, committed relationship after one or two phone calls to guys ghosting on you (that is, standing you up). At first it was a little tough on my ego because no guy seemed to want a second date with me but then I started not wanting second dates with some of them or not wanting to meet them after their emails or phone calls. Although rejection feels personal, it isn't always necessarily you---sometimes it's just the other person. I did a couple of sites---wasn't impressed with eHarmony and I never did get to Yahoo or Craigslist---no time---I was on a couple of free Christian sites and met one guy locally as well as a couple from out of state and I was on and off a rather expensive Christian dating site within twenty-four hours because the guys there were downright scary. The best site for me was Match---I met my fiance there!
Best of luck to you and do remember---you really aren't alone in this.
Francie
Well, I admire that you want to move on, but in this latest post you mention your your ex or your divorce 15 times in three paragraphs.
You can keep saying "I'm not stuck on the divorce or on my soon to be ex" all you want, but your posts sure sound to ME like you're stuck on both. It's practically all you talk about.
As someone who's been stuck on an ex in the past, I know how hard it is to not see it when we're the one doing it... but believe me, you're doing it. You claim that the divorce is totally unlike anyone else's, it's unique; well, I hate to break it to you, but it's not. LOTS of people have had tough, bitter, fight-to-the-finish divorces.
And you don't have to have one. You could be divorced next week, I bet, if you so decided; you just don't want to make that choice. You could say "screw it, I don't care, my priority now is just moving on" and accept whatever his latest offer was, couldn't you? And then you'd be done with it and moving on?
Well, you are choosing otherwise. That's fine; it sounds as though you probably SHOULD choose otherwise, and take care of yourself financially.
But just don't come in here and kid yourself and try to kid us; the fact is that you DO have options, you COULD choose to simply accept whatever his offer is and be done with it all tomorrow and move on, and you aren't making that choice. It's because you blame him for the infidelity and such, but what it amounts to is that you're allowing HIS actions and HIS desires and HIS choices to dictate YOUR actions and demands and decisions right NOW.
Heck, even if his offer is for zero, you could accept it and be done with it. Yeah, it probably would be dumb, but you would BE DONE. Right now? You're not done. You're still all entangled in him and the divorce and by doing so, you're giving HIM a ton of control over YOUR life.
Look at the things you're worried about. You don't want some date thinking you're loaded because of where you live, big house in a nice neighborhood or whatever- well, that's a situation that's all entangled in the MARRIAGE and your EX and your DIVORCE. Thus, the ex has control over your DATING LIFE.
That's what I mean when I say that you're "still married". You are; your stbx still has great power and influence in your life.
Now, this doesn't mean you can't date; but it does mean that if you meet a guy who thinks like me, well, he's going to be moving on, so long, thanks anyway. He might say "holler when you're not all tied in with your ex and your divorce and such," and he might (probably) would even mean it.
Just please stop kidding yourself. You are still SO entangled with your stbx.
There's great news, though- your fighting spirit and determination to get moving on means that sooner or later you WILL be moving on. I admire you for that; so many people stay stuck in their lousy situation indefinitely rather than giving it a shot on their own.