My Lesson from Online Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
My Lesson from Online Dating
30
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 10:44am
Well, I definitely learned a big lesson about my recent online dating experience. I am a lurker on this board and love reading people's experiences about online dating. I finally realized that I need to start applying the guidelines I see here to my own experiences. I met a guy on match.com and we emailed every couple days for about two and half weeks. I loved reading his emails because he has a way with words. I could tell that he was mature, caring, had a big heart, etc. His profile definitely listed the qualities that I was looking for in someone. Then we switched to talking on the phone. Our first conversation was almost 5 hours long and he continued to call me everyday until we met for a date in person. He had told me in the beginning that he was going to be a father in June. I didn't view it as a dealbreaker because I liked the fact that he was honest with me and he and the other woman were going to be mature adults about the situation raising this baby together. I really liked him as a person and wanted to get to know him better. Then I meet him in person and his pictures were totally deceiving! We went to a restaurant and I ended up staying for two hours. I found out during dinner that his baby's mamma is his next door neighbor. That probably shouldn't bother me, but if I was seriously dating this guy I would feel weird having his baby's mamma next door. This guy ended up talking the whole time during dinner because he was nervous and just annoying me in the process. He wrote me an email after the date saying he hoped I had fun and it was a pleasure meeting me. I wrote him back the next day saying that I didn't think it was going to go any further. I didn't think his situation would be okay for me to get involved with. I am mad at myself for letting myself get so emotionally involved with a guy that I hadn't even met and then he turns out to be completely different in person. He sounded so good to be true and he really was. He made himself out to be this super sweet, caring, nice guy raised with morals and to respect women, but has a one night stand with his neighbor who gets pregnant! He is just a typical guy in my opinion. I need to approach online dating differently. I want to be on more than one website, talk to more than one guy, have short emails, I want to call and not give my number out, and not start to form my true opinion of someone until I meet them in person. I am also going to keep the first meeting to coffee in case I discover that I don't like someone in the first five minutes. This was only my second online date, but I feel like I was put through the ringer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 11:31am

When you say his pictures were deceiving, did you mean he looked better in person, or worse?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 1:38pm
He looked worse in person. He even was telling me stories about his experiences from online dating about how he won't meet someone who doesn't have a recent pic or has a photo that looks airbrushed or photoshopped. I don't want to sound mean when I say this, but he wasn't much of a looker either. His attitude really turned me off and who is he to judge anybody? He also liked to brag about his new truck, his nice house, etc. At first I took that as a sign that he is successful, but when someone talks about it too much it makes me think material things are all he cares about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 4:59pm

It's funny how often people getting into OLD wind up coming to the same conclusions.

Maybe we should do a FAQ, or a list of the best tips for OLD. Here are my suggestions:

1) Don't email back and forth for weeks. A few emails, no more than 5 or 6 for each person, should be enough to decide to casually meet in person.

2) Don't yammer on the phone endlessly prior to meeting or early in the relationship. You don't need to talk more than 5 to 10 minutes with someone; more than that and you should be talking in person.

3) Tips 1 and 2 lead to this one, and it's a biggie: MEET EARLY. Nothing fancy; nothing meaningful; just go out and grab a cup of coffee, or a very casual lunch, or a little walk around the park or something. And do it EARLY- within a few emails and a couple of phone calls.

4) Until you've gone out at least a decent length of time, don't have sex with anyone you're even remotely serious about or have the potential to be serious about. Sex for the sake of having sex is fine, but it's just not the same as having a real relationship.

5) Don't quit dating others (if you date multiple people) until you've gone out with someone for at least a decent length of time. This is the "don't put all your eggs into one basket" theory.

6) Face facts; the odds are that any given relationship is NOT going to be "the one", so don't jump to the conclusion that this one IS "the one" until you have a reasonable length of time with the person- and that's probably going to be at least several months.

Anyone have other suggested tips for OLD? These could use some refinement, I'm sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:47pm

Agreed. As they say in the pharmaceutical industry, "if a drug is going to fail, let it fail fast." You don't want to devote endless hours to making it work when a quick in-person meeting will tell you almost all of what you want to know.

I haven't done too much OLD, but a couple of years ago I broke this very rule. Had long conversations with a girl, her voice was beautiful. She said she didn't have access to a digital camera or scanner, and thus no pix. I hate to be shallow, and it's not as though I'm God's gift to handsomeness and beauty or anything, but she was distressingly unattractive. That was the longest meal I ever had, and when it was done I was OUTTA there!!!

I think some women, probably for good reason, are very very wary of meeting in person, until they have spent a lot of time talking. What I would say is, go to the most normal public place ever, like a Starbucks, for your first meeting. It's hard to feel particulary creepy there. My best OLD experience was, we just met for a drink at a well known Japanese restaurant after a few emails and one short IM session, things clicked fine, and we took it from there; we dated for about six months. So, just screw up your courage and do it. And DO NOT buy the excuse that they do not have any pictures available. They don't have to be studio quality pix to basically tell what someone looks like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 1:30pm

I totally agree on the pictures thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 2:17pm
I have to say that this is an excellent list to follow being a person who has done OLD for years and now in a successful 5 month relationship with someone I met from OLD. I would also add that even if you do like the person and feel the chemistry don't make the first couple of dates too long (not longer than a couple of hours) because you could build up false expectations and get burn-out from that one person. I agree that it takes months to really know a person and determine if they are right for you. You have to observe them in all sorts of situations and how they handle things and interact with you and others and see if they are really who they potray themselves to be.
Also if you are female, tell a trusted friend where you are going to make sure someone knows and to be safe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:21am

"Also if you are female, tell a trusted friend where you are going to make sure someone knows and to be safe."
_________________

You know, I see this advice sometimes, and it only makes me think that they'll have a place to start looking for you after you disappear. :| Telling someone where you're going to meet a guy doesn't ensure your safety at all; not running out and jumping into his car, THAT enhances your safety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 11:25am
Thank you for once again taking any opportunity to tell us about your successful relationship. I really hope you two get married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:06pm

This is obviously a sarcastic statment because I got something similar on another board. I'm not going to apologize for my happiness because I've had my fair share and more of dating and relationships disappointments and heartaches and finally I've found someone good. I'll stop saying anything about my situation period. I dont' talk about it much for this exact reason. I can be happy for others and I can also be supportive of those going through a hard time. I'm not going to post much after this, if at all. I'm done with this. I've heard too many rude/sarcastic statements from certain people to others on this board, and once in awhile to me too, and I'm tired of it.

Edited 3/13/2007 2:12 pm ET by biochic2004




Edited 3/13/2007 2:14 pm ET by biochic2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:42pm
nevermind, not worth mentioning anymore.


Edited 3/13/2007 4:03 pm ET by biochic2004

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