Afraid I'm going to wreck this
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| Sat, 03-10-2007 - 4:38pm |
I wrote a couple days ago about the guy I'm seeing C. who told me he is still dating other women (2 in particular). We have gone out for about 3 1/2 weeks. He basically said he wasn't ready to make a decision yet and that he is a slow mover but does really like me and wants to get to know me better.
My problem is, I'm obsessing about that conversation we had on Tuesday when I let him see how upset I was about this. We talked on Thursday and I was so proud of myself for not bringing up our previous discussion about the dating others. All I talked about was how excited I was to hang out with him on our planned date for last night. I think I made a good impression and he told me he was equally excited. I felt a lot better after that talk.
But then last night on our date my feelings came up again. I did have a lot of fun with him and didn't say anything about my insecurities, that is right up until he told me he was too tired to stay and finish our movie and wanted to go home. Thats when I screwed up.
I brought up our talk the other night. I didn't say anything too bad, just that I appreciated his honesty and while I wasn't thrilled with it I was accepting it. But, of course I didn't just drop it there... I ended up telling him I was afraid of getting hurt again (I've had some heart breaks in my past) and I told him that I hoped we could be friends if things don't work out. That's when he said, that I'm jumping to conclusions and he just is a slow mover. He basically said that he is sotra trying to slow things down but doesn't know if he really wants to and it's hard because he likes me, but in his past realtionships it's back fired when he moved things too fast so he is trying a new approach. I'm having a hard time accepting the slowing down thing. I feel really insecure and not very confident lately. I've always had some of these problems in relationships but it seems to be magnified now afer he told me about the other girls.
Then I had to go screw it up further by asking him what he was doing this weekend (basically fishing to see if he was going to ask me out again). He said that he was busy Sat but had some time on Sunday if I wanted to do something so I agreed. This wouldn't be bad that I asked, but the problem is I'm feeling really clingy lately and wanting to call, email him and ask him to stay longer with me or hang out with me. I know this usually drives guys away and I want to try and stop it before it's too late. But, it is seriously taking every fiber of my being to not call him up or ask him out. I want him to chase me and not the other way around. I'm afraid he might be sensing this already and thats why he is pulling away a bit and wanting to slow things down, even though I don't think I was this clingy before he told me about the other girls. Before all of that news, he was doing most of the calling, emailing and asking me out even though I did ask him out twice during that time. So he was sorta the one rushing things but I honestly didn't mind and that may be part of the problem. I think I was a little too available before even though I wasn't the one making all of the moves.
I'm not sure how to fix this, feeling super clingy all of a sudden. I feel panicked when he goes home or when I don't hear from him now and the urge to contact him is really strong. Last night my chest litterly hurt when he left before the movie was over. I wanted to tell him "don't go" but I was brave and said, "have a good night and talk to you soon" but it was really hard for me too do that.
So far I've been pretty good about not being too clingy or letting him know how I feel even though I feel it inside. I'm worried it's just going to get worse and show through if it hasn't already. It's exhausting feeling this way, so insecure and unconfident in myself. I want to be more confident or at least fake it better until I do feel that way. I'm having a hard time believing that he really likes me and would want to continue things... I know this is all in my head because his actions are showing otherwise but I just can't seem to get it together.
I realize I'm the only one who can fix this, but I guess I just needed to vent and hope someone can give me some tips. How does one build confidence in stuff like this when you are already feeling really insecure. Any suggestions or tips on how to fake confidence until I believe it myself?
I want him to see what a great person I am and I want him to want to be with me. I want him to think that I am a confident, interesting woman even though I'm feeling insecure right now. Better yet, I'd like to be that confident interesting woman and believe it myself. And if he doesn't chose to be with me, I'd at least like to feel ok about that. I want to feel like no matter what happens I'm going to be ok. Any advice would be appreciated.
I'm seriously afraid I'm going to screw this all up and push him away even more than I might have already. I'm so afraid of getting hurt right now. Even still, I don't think it's too late to change things and salvage this, but I'm worried if I don't do something now I will screw it up. Ugghh.
Jen
Edited 3/10/2007 4:43 pm ET by jfur5

Jen,
We ALL have our insecure days. Do yourself a favor, seriously and start dating other guys. Take yourself shopping, get your hair done, all of it. It should make you feel a lot better. It's getting warmer, and there are a lot of hotties out there!
Hugs
Gal Blondie
I think you've pretty well hit the nail on the head; the issues you mention are correct.
I'd suggest you go find a good counselor or therapist who can help you with some of these things. The clingy, insecure person thing is extremely unattractive and it stems from not being happy and confident with YOURSELF.
For example, you seem to think that that if this doesn't work out, it'll be because you "screwed it up". What if you are positive and happy and friendly and cool to be around, and he still doesn't wind up with you in the long run because you're just not a match?
That happens, you know. Perfectly awesome people don't wind up with the first person they date; sometimes two perfectly awesome people just don't like each other enough to get married or whatever.
Ever had two friends that seemed like they'd be *perfect* for each other, set them up, and they just didn't "click"? That happens in life, and it's not because one or the other screwed it up or was a bad person.
I have personally come to believe that we cannot, absolutely CAN NOT control this kind of thing. Any given individual of the opposite sex might be a match for us, and there's nothing we can do to affect the ultimate outcome there.
What we CAN control, though, is how we think and are prior to getting to that point where we figure out whether that person is a match or not.
So instead of worrying so much about whether or not he's going to drop you, which ultimately you can't control anyway, the only thing you need worry about it how YOU are, yourself.
Be yourself. Be confident in yourself and know that you are an awesome person, even if he doesn't wind up loving you madly. :)
But yeah, if you're stuck on these thoughts... go seek some help from a professional. They can give you tips (well, a good one can give you tips) on how to deal with these things, how to break the chain of thought, and how to improve your thinking so you are able to fully be the superbabe (or superdude for us guys!) that you know you should/could be.
I didn't know Greg Berendt was moonlighting on the online dating board, ha ha. Just kiddin'.
I would like to add to my previous response, Jen, that if this IS a persistent issue, I agree that professional help is a good thing. Maybe you're clingy b/c you are kind of counting on him being the one for you, got your hopes up, and now feel like you are having to share him, which personally, I would not be willing to do.
However, like I said, focus on you, buy a hot little outfit, go out and flirt, girl ; )
Good luck!
Crystal
Gal Blondie
Yeah, I think thats the problem. I really like this guy and sorta poured all of myself out there for him in the first 3 weeks. I saw tons of potential for this possible relationship. I have high hopes that this could be the one, but now I'm feeling like thats being taken away because he isn't at the same point as me. I don't want to share him because I want his attention on me.
I've thought about dating other guys, but part of me just doesn't want to. I feel like it wouldn't really be fair to the other guys because I'm so focused on this other realationship. Another problem is that I sorta ended up telling C. about a week ago that I had stopped seeing others then 3 days later he ended up telling me he was still seeing others. So now I feel like it would be wrong to start seeing others since he thinks I'm not.
But, I know that if I keep sitting here waiting for him to want me I'm going to drive myself crazy. So, maybe I should go out with other people. I seriously think I just need more things to ocupy my time so I'm not just sitting around for him.
Maybe thearpy would be good. I've done it in the past when I was feeling much worse about my life. But in general I feel pretty happy with myself and I'm just not sure about thearpy. I guess I feel wierd going when I don't really feel depressed. I don't know... guess I should think about it.
It just feels like I got throw into a whirlwind of emotions this week and the mostly confident fun woman I was last week seems to have disapeared now.
Therapy is NOT just for depression. If your insecurities are causing you to sabotage a potential relationship, then that's something you should work on with a good counselor.
It also sounds like you have a hard time not projecting into the future when you like a guy. That's also something therapy can help you with (particularly cognitive behavior therapy). It teaches you how to change your thoughts which really does have a HUGE effect on your feelings. Imagine how much calmer you'd feel if you could be telling yourself that he is being SMART to take things slow and see other people and you should be doing the same thing and that if he's right for you, you'll be the one he decides to continue seeing.
As far as you dating others, I think that by him telling you that he was dating others after you'd said you were not, he was basically saying that it was ok for you to be dating others as well, so there's no need for you to be feeling guilty. But if you want to, you could always just let him know in a very straightforward matter of fact way that you have decided it makes sense for you to date other people since he is doing so.
And if it takes every fiber of your being not to call him, then that's what it takes. That's the right thing to do here.
Sheri
"Yeah, I think thats the problem. I really like this guy and sorta poured all of myself out there for him in the first 3 weeks. I saw tons of potential for this possible relationship. I have high hopes that this could be the one, but now I'm feeling like thats being taken away because he isn't at the same point as me."
__________________________
I think this paragraph, right here, sums up the entire problem.
You're not bummed and upset about THIS particular guy; what you're really bumming and mourning and upset about is the potential Big Great Awesome Relationship that you built up in your head as your end-state goal, what you wanted.
Now that the Big Great Awesome Relationship is looking less likely, you're naturally bummed!
In other words, what you're really bumming about is your attachment to the idea of the relationship. When you believed that this could be it, this could be The One, it's almost as though it became real for you- and now that it's gone, you're bummed out.
But the reality is that if this guy wasn't, or isn't right, or doesn't turn out to be right, then this one was never The One.
That doesn't mean that the Big Great Awesome Relationship is dead, though! It just means that this particular dude isn't the guy you're going to have the BGAR with.
Perhaps trying to separate the two- the Big Great Awesome Relationship and and this particular guy- from one another in your mind will help.
Just to play devil's advocate here, who says that this isn't the (as you coined) "The Big Awesome Relationship" she is going to have and that he isn't "The Big Awesome Guy" she's going to have it with? How can we really assume that this guy isn't the guy she's been looking for?
Everyone (and I mean everyone) is insecure at some point. I think the difference is in whether or not it's temporary. Know what I mean? And that's only something she can decide...
To the OP: How do you progress on this and not place so much emphasis on this guy? By taking others' suggestions--date others. Also, adopt the attitude of it's his loss, not yours. If he doesn't choose you, it's his loss. I would even go so far as to let your ego take over and realize it's not about his choosing you, it's about YOU choosing him! Step back and really think if he is the choice you want to make.
To HJNTIY: Let the debate begin! :o)
Heh... no, I don't think you can assume that it's NOT the Big Awesome Relationship. It very well might be.
I think that assuming anything one way or the other tempts danger, so why assume? Just take it for what it is. And hey, they're still going out so maybe it IS the Big Awesome Relationship! :)
Being a realist, though, means that we should probably accept that the odds are in any given meeting that this one isn't The One. It might be- everyone who's met their One met 'em somewhere, somehow, after all- but it's wiser to act as though it isn't until proven otherwise.