Be assertive, or walk away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Be assertive, or walk away?
7
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 10:25pm

So the guy I posted the "Hmmm..." titled posting about, we've been talking for almost a month now. Last Sunday we had a great conversation about honesty and being forward about things. On Monday he called and I missed his call. He said he'd call again Tuesday or Wednesday. Well, he didn't.

I guess I'm just proud of myself because I'm annoyed, but not as annoyed as I would have been about this sort of thing in the past. He's initiated the calling (he seems to like it that way as he'd always tell me when he'd call next.) and I'm debating if I should call him or not tonight.

It's so hard to know when to get assertive, and when to walk away.

Any thoughts?

Pink

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 11:01pm

I see it as depending on what you want. Do you want connection with him? Or hold his feet to the fire on his integrity?

I have learned to let go of what people promise if I want to be friends with them. If I want to talk with them then I'll call them regardless if I called last or that they said that they will call me next or whatever.

I also do not want to associate with people who cannot keep their promises. I tend to hold those who I choose to be close to to the same integrity standard as I hold myself.

With all that said, I believe in any relationship is to recognize we are all different. It is how we deal with those differences make the relationship workable or not. I believe a key way of dealing with differences is not to hold onto something that bothers you, i.e. you need to communicate with the other person. I communicate using the "I" word rather than "you." Rather than blaming, I tell the other person how his/her behavior affects me.

All what I have said may be thrown out the window because you may want to apply a different set of "rules" with a getting-to-know-you romantic situation.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:07am

This is the guy that you hadn't actually met in person yet? Have you gone out with him in person yet, or not?

If not, I think you're being WAY too analytical about a guy you're NOT EVEN DATING. See, I'm a believer that to be dating someone, you have to be... you know... dating them. Seeing them. Spending time with them.

Time on the phone and emails are nice, but they're a pale imitation of the real thing. If you haven't gone out in person yet then as much as it feels like a relationship, it's not one.

If he's into you, he'll write or call. If he's not, he won't. You don't need to worry. Of course, if he were really into you, then he'd actually date you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:10am

Thanks for your reply, Mark.

Cute pic of you and Sherri by the way! :)

I appreciate your food for thought. I did call, and left a message. Last night I was near his city as I was at a sporting event, and I thought of him, so I called and said just that.

Last weekend on the phone we talked about honesty and being forward about interest. We both agreed that we prefer it when people say straight out if they're not interested when it comes to online dating. Then we agreed that we enjoyed talking to eachother and will meet up soon (during our spring break.)

Just have to chill, wait and see.
I've come a long way since my first OLD disappointment, that's for sure. :)

Thanks again!
Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:13am

Thanks for your reply, hjntiy!

Trust me, I know that I'm not dating this guy, and I know how different person to person vs. phone conversations can be. Been there, experienced that! :) :S

I'm just the type of person who would rather ask questions and learn from what others have to say (and their experiences,) than act like I know everything and assume what I think is right and do just that.

I appreciate you! Thanks for your forward response! :)

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:00pm

My advice is to ask him out. That's it. What do you have to lose????

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:31pm

Last night I left a message on his phone. Super casual. He's always called me, so I left him a message for once. He called back today and we had a good talk. He said he'll call again tomorrow. If he does, I think I'm going to say something along the lines of, "What are you doing next weekend?" (We both have spring break.) "Would you like to get together, or were you thinking of this being just a phone thing?"

Ugh, I hate having to initiate stuff! He's mentioned meeting more than once but it hasn't happened yet. I think the distance is the thing that bugs him. We're about an hour and fifteen minutes apart.

Based off the phone, I like his personality. If it's not as grand in person, I just want to know already! Seriously! I wish guys would step up and initiate for me just once!

If he calls, I'll say what I said above. If he doesn't, then whatev. :P

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:35pm
Sounds good and good luck :)

Gal Blondie