I Don't Know What To Do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
I Don't Know What To Do
3
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:01am

Well, my story is a bit long and I am not sure if anyone is going to want to read it or even help me but at this point I will take any advice.

So where do I start?

Steve and I met online through this website we both have blogs at. I found him on random one day and left him a note letting him know I was adding him to my favorites list so I could keep reading his blog.

We starting leaving comments on each other's websites and he was soooo good at giving me advices. After a while I asked him for his e-mail so we could talk that way instead. I never thought of him as anything more than some cool guy I talked to online.

One day I got really upset with this guy I was dating and I asked him for advice on how to handle the situation and he asked me if could give him a call instead. He gave me a phone card and a pin number. We hit it off right away. He seemed so nice and he was so funny. I was smitten. He told me my boyfriend was using me and I deserved better. It was the final push I needed to break things off with Andrew.

Things progressed and he said he'd like to visit me when he got back to the US - he was stationed in Germany. He said he wanted to come on March 9th 2007 and spend the weekend with me. I was so happy.

He was always so nice to me, sending me gifts, staying up to talk to me when I was having a crappy night, texting me on my phone all day. I couldn't get enough of him. He even sent me roses to my office on this past Valentine's Day. I was in heaven. He gave me all the attention and the love I deserved. We made so many plans for the future. He told his whole family about me. I even talked on the phone with his mom and cousin. They said they couldn't wait to meet me. They said Steve was completely in love with me.

He told he had forgotten what it felt like to love someone this much since his fiance died of cancer back in 2000. I felt bad for him. He seemed to have a very hard life and I just wanted to make him happy. I loved him.

Well, the day finally came and he drove 800 miles to see me. I was so happy. Things went fine. I slept with him. I didn't even think twice. I was in love. I thought he loved me too. I'd never done anything like that before. I've only been with one guy before him and he knew it. He apologyzed for not kissing me when he saw me. He said he was shy. He hugged me and said he never wanted to let me go and he loved me so much. I believed him. We had a blast when he was here. We drove to Canada to meet my family and he seemed excited about it. I caught him eyeballing my cousin a few times but I didn't think anything of it. Men will look at anything that moves.

Everything changed when we came back to my hometown. He said he didn't want me to wait around for him since he was most likely be deploying to Iraq some time this year. Funny how the whole story changed. Before we met in person he asked me if I would wait for him, I said yes and he said he was the happiest man in the world. He said he wanted to come home to me so we could start a life together. He wanted me to move to Georgia so we could be closer and then get married eventually.

He then said things hadn't been feeling right since before he left Germany. I asked him why he bothered driving 800 miles to tell me that. He said he was trying to prove himself wrong. I knew he was lying. He was.

We sat on the bed and I asked him to not let me go because I loved him. His eyes starting getting red and he mumbled something. He tried to speak but couldn't. He looked me in the eye and said he couldn't say it, it was too hard for him to. I asked him "So you have to let me go?" He shook his head he said "Yes. I am sorry". He broke up with me after he lied to my face and slept with me. After he told me several times how much he loved me and couldn't wait to marry me.

He waited until the last minute to tell me things didn't feel right and we had to go our separate ways.

I was completely devastated.

I called him the next day and asked him to tell me how he felt. He blamed the break up on the fact that he wasn't attracted to me! Right after we met in person hensaid I was more beautiful that he thought I was. He let me go because I am not as good looking as he thought I might be although he had an idea of what I looked like. I told him I wasn't in the best shape and he assured me he would never leave me over my looks.

He also said he thought he really loved me when we were talking on the phone and e-mailing each other back and forth but he found out he just loved me as friend after he met me.

I was crushed. I mean, here's a guy who makes all these efforts to show me how much he supposedly cares about me telling me I am not good looking enough for him. I wanted to disappear. It hurt so much. I thought I was worth more than that in his eyes.

I don't know who the person I fell in love with truly was. Was just a facade? Who is Steven? I mean, what happened to the sweet caring, loving man I once knew? Or thought I knew? I don't know?

I feel so lost right now. I went back to his blog and read the whole thing. He always wrote about not feeling like he was good enough for anyone and that he felt so lonely and left out all the time. What am I supposed to think? Was he scared? Was he afraid of me leaving him? He said he didn't leave me out of fear but I think he'd never admit he did. I feel so empty right now. I have been crying everyday. I can't help it. I love him so much.

I called his mom to thank her for the gift she sent me through him and she said "Give him a couple weeks and call him. Maybe he'll come around". I am not sure I can do that.

He told me several times he couldn't live without me and if I were to throw him away like everyone else did he would be devastated. I don't know what to think.

I think it was shady to blame it on my looks especially since he always seemed to be turned on around me. He held me hand everywhere we went, in the car, he'd kiss it every now and then. He'd hold me tight at night. He said "if this is wrong, I never want to be right".

What happened to us? Everyone was in awe when I told them we broke up. Before we met in person his best friend said the following to one of my good friends : "Steve and Jessie can do their thing. I know that Steve is driving a very long way over to meet her when he gets there. I hope it works out for them. He is pretty defensive when I ask about her just like any stubborn boy. He hasn't been in any real relationships before so I try to look out for him but he is a typical stubborn boy about her. So I will leave him to find out things on his own and just hope for the best".

Then he tells me he didn't think there was more there when he met me. I don't get it. Maybe I am stupid. Maybe I am blind. I just can't believe what happened. I am in state of shock still.



Edited 3/18/2007 8:09 am ET by bostonianbella




Edited 3/18/2007 8:10 am ET by bostonianbella
Avatar for dani20002000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2000
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:29am

Wow. Looks like you're coming off of quite an emotional rollercoaster.

It can be very easy to fall for someone emotionally through e-mail/phone correspondence. You are both expressing emotions and sometimes emotions can be very strong. I certainly wouldn't look at this as some flaw on your part. In the long-run, would you really want to be with someone who wasn't too sure about things after you met in person and became physical. Try to step back from the situation and think of what advice you would give a friend who came to you in a similar situation. You deserve much more for yourself. Even if he does "come around" he would not be someone I'd be interested in at this point.

I would chalk it up to a learning experience, albeit a rough one. Never take stock in a relationship until you've met face to face. The whole dynamic may change. Seems like you invested a lot emotionally and now you have to deal with the aftershock and it's hurting.

Someday you will find a man that is perfect for you and he will feel the same way. Don't sell yourself short.

~Dani~

 BabyName Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:34pm

That is a tough story. As far as advice goes... the advice is NOT "don't ever fall in love with someone again."

The advice is "Don't sweat this, don't be too hard on yourself; you're human and we all do things that sometimes we later think we shouldn't have."

Also, it sounds like the guy is either really confused and scared and IS into you but can't let himself be, or that he's basically a sleaze who just wanted to get some. I don't think so, because it sounds like his family doesn't think that way... but from your point of view, he's unavailable either way.

One of the things that the book HJNTIY makes clear is that from the woman's point of view (despite being written by a man, it's really a woman's book and takes their side) it doesn't matter WHY a guy isn't into you. If he's married, or scared, or just not that interested in you, or whatever... none of that matters.

What matters from YOUR point of view is that this guy isn't willing or able to be with you, so effectively he's a non-factor.

You're hurting, and you're going to continue to hurt, but please don't beat yourself up too much. You went with your gut and heart and dreams. Next time, don't be afraid to listen to them, but also throw your head and common sense in there a bit more and then use them all to make your decisions.

Good luck. Maybe he just doesn't want you waiting around for him, especially when he doesn't know when he'll be back or if he'll be wounded or killed or something like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:47pm

That's why you should not "fall in love" with a person you've never met in real life. Until you actually spend time together in person, you don't know the kind of person they are and they don't know you. Pictures can be deceiving. Emails can be planned out. People can be on their best behavior in a one hour phone call.

You said:

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EXACTLY! It WAS a facade. It WAS a fantasy. He likely is BOTH the caring man you thought you knew and also the guy that may be scared or may not be attracted to you. Maybe he IS the guy that came here thinking he loved you and once he got here and decided he didn't that he'd take advantage of the situation and get some sex and ogle your cousins (and NO, not ALL guys will look at anything that moves!). Maybe he really is a decent guy. But the fact is that you didn't know him when you met him and even after spending a weekend with him, you still don't KNOW him.

This is an unpleasant, hurtful experience to go through but chalk it up to experience. Try to not fall in love with a fantasy next time and reserve your feelings for when you spend time together. Good luck.

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