Boy do I need some help!! Please ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Boy do I need some help!! Please ...
7
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 4:35pm
Okay, so I really need some input at this stage. I was in a long-term relationship until a year ago. I am 29 and my previous relationships were before I was 20, so I have been out of the real dating scene for a while. After I broke up with my bf a year ago I was appalled at how men behaved ... asking me on dates but not offering to pick me up or asking me to meet up with them and their friends at a bar, asking me to hang out versus go on a real date and wanting to have sex right away. I got freaked out so I swore off men for a while. I was single from Aug. 05 to May 06, when I met back up with a college friend. It was easy and non-threatening. I knew him so I didn't have to worry about the rules. Well, it didn't work out and now I am back to Square One. Three weeks ago I met a man when I was out for my best friend's 30th birthday party. He is 36, going on 37, very successful and exactly my type physically. We had tons in common and went out a few times and had such a great time together. Things were progressing very nicely and then last Friday night we had sex. Unfortunately it had been some time since he had slept with a woman and he pre-ejaculated. It was horribly embarrassing for both of us. In the morning we went to breakfast and he acted weird. He hadn't been to my house yet so I invited him to come by and check it out later (I have been doing some renovations and we'd talked extensively about it). He acted like he didn't want to come and I said it was no big deal ... then at 8 pm that night he called and said he was on his way over. He showed up with flowers but proceeded to ignore me while he was there pretty much. I am a photographer and I showed him my photos and he didn't comment about any of them ... not a single word. He seemed concerned that my house is bigger than his. After we watched a movie he couldn't get out of my house fast enough. The next day I was out shopping and ended up buying a dining room table. I assumed my dad and brother could help but my brother was MIA. I called several guy friends but since it was a holiday weekend I coudln't reach anyone. I left him a message saying if he had time could he help bring a table from my car to my house. I had no intention of this being a date or using it as a ploy to introduce him to my parents. He didn't call back. Mind you from the time I met him he was the one being very forward, sending multiple emails, texts and calling every single day saying very mushy things. I was the one keeping it all in perspective. So he didnt' call me back, text or email all day. I sent a text later and said I didn't need his help, I'd managed to get the table in with the help of my mom and dad combined. He texted back said "glad it worked out. I was busy." Very cool, totally out of character. The next day I called him and asked him what was up. He was being very aloof. Then he flew off the handle and said I was getting too serious and we didn't have to spend 24 hours a day together and he wasn't ready for a serious relationship since he'd just gotten divorced (9 months ago). I said well, okay then and hung up. The next day he called me at work and said he wanted to tell me good luck on my first day of graduate school. Then the next day he called me again and said we'd had a misunderstanding, that he still wanted to "hang out" with me and do things together, he just wanted to slow it down. I asked him to define hanging out and he described dating but he won't call it that. I told him I am not interested in being buds or providing him with the benefits of a girlfriend while he doesn't have any responsibility for my feelings. He said he was busy all weekend except for Sunday and we made plans to take our dogs to the dog park. He was sure to mention that he has to leave by 5:30 for a volleyball game. He also asked me to go to a concert on Thursday. It just sucks because he went from on fire to luke warm overnight. I don't feel special anymore, just insecure about how he feels about me. Is he just not that into me? If he's not why is he still making plans? Is he just embarrassed by what happened in the bedroom? What should I do? I don't want to be his Plan B and I don't want to have speed dates. He doesn't text me or email me. When we talk it's very matter of fact. I am so confused. This is so frustrating. I really liked him but some of the things he says makes me think I am setting myself up for hurt but a guy friend says he is probably gun shy because of his divorce and he's laying a foundation for a relationship down the road. He also offered to help me paint my house. BUT we are not going on a date Friday or Sat. That's another thing I asked him ... are we still going to go out on the weekends? And he said yes but so far we are doing something on Sunday and Thursday. I have no idea what I'm doing or what the rules are or where he's coming from. Any advice????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 4:46pm

"He's just not that into you." Really, he only wants to talk to you or hang out with you on his terms. He doesn't care so much about how you feel. He's looking for a casual dating thing....with sex, but no responsibility.

You can do better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 5:19pm
Well, we did agree that we would NOT have sex unless we were in a real relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 6:58pm
I thought you said that you already had sex with him and he went off too soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 7:15pm
Yes, that's true but NOW that he said he's not ready for a serious relationship, blah, blah, blah and he still wants to see me we are NOT going to have sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 10:02am

I'm fresh out of advice for that one... in fact, I need some advice on that one... LOL!... except that it's really not a laughing-LOL!- matter, is it?


I, too, slept with someone back in March--long story with lots of details, but... although "the moment" when it happened was hasty, we had talked extensively about having sex.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 4:47pm

I'm amazed that you don't realize how much in the driver's seat you really are.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:45pm
Hi Sandra. Thank you for your post! You are right and you make so much sense. This dating thing is new to me. In college it was, you hang out and eventually you're just a couple. After college I went right into a long, long, long relationship. Like I said in my first post I fumbled through some dates after my break up over a year ago and just wasn't ready. I still don't know how to navigate the dating world. It's hard because I am turning 30 in a few weeks and my friends are either married, married and pregnant, married with kids already OR are still hitting the clubs and I am none of those things. During the week I am super busy with work and grad school, so the weekends are when I actually have a lot of free time, so naturally I want to spend it with this new guy I met whom I really like. I have to play this game I guess ... it seems so tiring. I just want to say what I mean and mean what I say you know? I guess I freaked him out asking to help me with the table ... even though it wasn't my intention. I like him but I'm not rushing. I do want a relationship but of course with the right person. I have to push down those feelings of fear of being alone, etc. I hate that in our society we can't let on that we want a relationship and want to get married eventually. I am proud of what I've accomplished and I am finally happy with who I am but I really am ready to share my life with someone who will be my life partner. I just need to take it slowly! Thanks for the advice.