Trying not to scare him away!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Trying not to scare him away!!
7
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 10:05am

I was in a really bad relationship for a long time. I stayed in it because I thought he would change but he never did. Anyways, I started trying to get out there and date again. I've gone out on a few dates that were pretty uneventful. I recently met a really nice guy . The thing is I find myself thinking way to far ahead.

If I don't talk to him everyday, I get a little annoyed, not at him, but just wondering why he's not calling. We had a great first date, and have seen each other a few times since. I don't want to come on too strong and scare him away because I really like him. I think I tend to get really clingly because I want a normal relationship so bad. I need some good advice on how to take things slow. I was in a dead end relationship for so long I really don't know how to act.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 10:38pm

I think that the female mind is just geared to plan and wonder... and want that reassurance that everything is "OK".


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 2:35pm

I could have written that post! OMG.

I have been dating someone recently - like a week who is a doll in person, we've had three dates but he dsnt really call alot. I think he's just busy - or does it mean something.

This is supposed to be fun all of this dating my it's giving me a stomache ache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 3:13pm
I could have written this post, too. Dating makes me nauseous, but I am having fun. I've been on 5 dates so far with a really nice man. I find myself thinking about him more that I want to, and am trying not to get too involved, too quick. I also find myself thinking too far ahead and am worried I'll screw it up. Any other advice on how to keep from being "scary woman"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 4:23pm

I do the same thing, too. I get all worried if a guy doesn't call me back and tend to move too fast when I like a guy. I simply had one guy tell me he's not a big phone talker and this really is true with some people. He would call me and ask me out again, but I knew he didn't just want to talk on the phone a long time.

With a couple of guys, I found that they did eventually contact me again, once I waited.

I think we just have to remind ourselves to be patient, even though this is SO hard. I need to learn this. If it is meant to be, then things will fall into place.

I can tell you I learned a lot from a date I had with a guy who started calling me and wanting to talk some before we went on our date. That really did start scaring me b/c I wasn't sure how interested I was in him. Then he brought me a gift on our first date. I know this all sounds very sweet, but honestly it was all a little too much too soon. So, being around him helped me realize how I come on too strong with guys and why I scare some of them away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:21pm

These posts have helped me to get back on track, which is to be in the mindset of dating. Being divorced after 5 years (and with that person for 10 total), and just ended a year and a half relationship with someone, I want and need to be in the "non commital" state of mind, which to me means, no expectations.

I've been on two great dates with someone (totally unexpected) and have to remind myself that they are dates, nothing more. Even though I really like the guy and "expect" that we'll have future dates, but I just don't sweat the fact that he calls me when he's ready to set a date and not before to "check in" as I had expected and received in my permanent relationships. I know his work schedule and we do IM at work and that's enough for me now. As little as I know about him, he seem like the type who wants to do things in person.

Right now, I just want to be catered to on accasion and really enjoy being my own person again. If someone wants to take me out every once in a while, I rather enjoy it then worry about our future that may never be.

Good luck to all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:06am

Seems to me that IM-ing is a way of checking in. It's the way I stay in touch with my child at college, and it's how I've been communicating a little with this guy I am newly getting to know. (We had a meeting on Monday and have a lunch date for Friday.) Today, for example, he saw me online and he IMed me a good morning and we talked briefly about the weather and our respective work days.

So I feel "in touch" even though he isn't phoning to check in (which it would be too soon for him to do anyway).

Elsa

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 7:26am

All good advice from the other posters.

I've had a lifetime of dating (I'm 52 now). I'm divorced many years, and when I look back on my dating life, espeically in my 20s, I SO wish I had been "harder to get." I was the type that would call guys, or call a guy I was just starting to date. I think that I felt if I didn't call, he'd forget me, or that I had to somehow try harder than other women. Of course, that's a whole personal issue I had to deal with.

Anyway, one thing I realize now is that the early stages of a (possible) relationship are among the sweetest and most exciting...I say enjoy it, and let this phase continue on for awhile. There will never again be this wonderful anticipation. And I am SO in favor of letting a man pursue you...I wish I had done this earlier. I don't mean that you should play silly head games, or time your phone calls, etc. All I'm saying is that you approach a relationship saying to yourself,"I'm a wonderful woman that this man would be lucky to have in his life."

There is one thing I know for sure: men were meant to do the pursuing. Let him. Don't upset this balance. You could argue whether this is nature or nurture, but to me it doesn't matter. And I'm not an old-fashioned woman.

After you are in an ongoing relationship, of course it's OK to call him, etc. Really, if he's interested, he's going to call. If it's meant to be, it will happen. I know it's hard to not wait by the phone, but try to enjoy the other aspects of your life.

Good luck, I hope things work out.