Counseling needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Counseling needed
8
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:04pm

I need some help here. I am a wreck. I am not in a good place. It's been almost a year since my divorce was final. Why is it I am having so much trouble trying to get over this? I found out my ex had a "friend" he met almost 2 years ago at a school reunion. I fou, the nd out two months ago that he had made plane reservations to go visit her while she was STILL MARRIED -- the reservations were made a week before out divorce was final. I was devastated when I found out because now I learned that they talked online for almost two years. She lives 3,000 miles away and divorced her husband two months after we got our divorce. I know and he knows in his heart he would having a fit if this was me getting on a plane to go see someone every 8 weeks. Do these long distance rebound relationships work? Supposedly she is staying in her home town because of her 22 year old son who is in a drug rehab program. I don't know maybe it's me but sometimes I feel like I am Plan B. There are reasons that I feel like we are not really through yet -- he got the divorce, he is coloring his hair, bought a new sports car -- everyone who knows hims says this is classic midlife crisis.

I need some help getting through some emotions -- like trust -- why do I feel like I was betrayed -- which i feel i was -- just because they weren't physical doesn't mean they weren't cheating. Am I nuts or am I just going through the typical steps of coming to grips with the divorce?

God I hope I don't sound like a lunatic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:46am

Hi bonnie, I'm sad to hear that you are having such trouble. If your husband was chatting online to this woman before you decided to divorce then he was having an 'emotional affair'. May I suggest you take a look at the "betrayed spouses Support" board and post a longer version of your story there?


Best wishes, Julian.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:30pm

Honey, you're not the lunatic.... HE IS!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:39pm
Thank you. The thing is that when we are together it's like there is no change at all. I am so taken back because this is so not him !!! Midlife crisis?? Boy I feel better -- I really thougth I was losing it.
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:20am

You WERE betrayed! I know that it sucks - I was betrayed too. I also know that I am now BETTER OFF and SO MUCH HAPPIER without my ex.

You are definately not crazy, but what concerns me are your statements "when we are together" and "feel like I'm Plan B". Are you still spending time with your ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:48am
Yes and it bothers me because it is like it is still his house. brought chinese food lastnight for us (meaning myself and our boys) -- we have a lot of fun together. and we sit together at football games for our oldest son? do they really think this is going to work? sometimes i feel like he is keeping me around in case this doesn't work. i don't know -- we are good friends -- tells me i am his best friend and vice versa. i think he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. by the way his friend is 3000 miles away.
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:43pm

IMHO - which is obviously not an "expert" one - I don't think your ex's "mid-life" crises is keeping you from getting over this - but the fact that you are still good friends probably is. If my ex and I had still been best friends we would never have separated. Did the two of you go to counseling before the divorce?

I share two young children with my ex so I see him a few times a week. However we are not friends, we respect each other as our children's other parent - and that is it. If it bothers you that he comes over and "hangs out" with you and the boys - you need to set some boundaries and and ask your ex to respect them. Do your boys spend time with your ex at his "new" place - or are these visits the primary time that your boys see their father?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:20pm
Thank you for the kind words. I have really been in a tizzy over this. We are good friends and that's what bothers me the most. No matter what I would NEVER have walked away from our marriage. Never was there a better couple. And I hear how much she dislikes me and feels I am her competition. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the man I loved and still love. Hello?? Both married -- divorced your spouses -- Living in La La Land. Talk about Fantasy Island. And I thought it was just me HEHEHEHEHE
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:05pm
Let it go, bonniecypher! This scenario is unfortunately more common than you think. I've been trying to determine for several years what it is about men who can't stay put. My only answer is ego. Women carry ended relationships around for a very long time and men don't. They don't have the same hormones as women do. You will not be able to move on until you accept that what has happened has happened and there's nothing that can be done about it. There's an excellent chance that it had nothing to do with who you are. It was most likely about him and his need for extra curricular attention. Work on your self esteem and independence and you will come to terms with your past. Don't expend any more negative energy. I was married a very long time and have been single a few years. My spouse died. I never got an answer to any of the questions I asked about why it happened. But I can see things a lot more clearly now. Been on the looking for somone path and it hasn't happened yet. I think it's because I needed to gain more self esteem and put a true value on who I am. I'm not sure that anyone can afford me now. Be yourself, be happy, move forward. Everything will fall into place.