Do I run or do I stay?
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| Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:45pm |
It's been over a year since my engagement ended. I'm not fully healed, but I'm MUCH better than I was a year ago Getting out there and dating again has been difficult. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable towards someone else. Allowing myself to trust someone else. Trusting that someone else genuinely cares about me. Doing the dance of pushing someone away, only to want them to run towards me. Testing others, if he really likes me, he'll..... Expecting others to know right off the bat if they are interested and wanting to know "where is this going?" Training myself not to care. Trying to protect myself above all else. Only to fall so quickly for people. It's been rough.
I've been sleeping with someone for 4 months now. In the beginning it was just that, sleeping with them. After a month or so, I started to have feelings for the person. We were talking all the time, hanging out mostly in groups, getting to know one another. After a month, we told each other that we had feelings for one another, initiated by myself. I wanted so badly to for him to guarantee me, it was going to become something or it wasn't, so I could protect myself. Thankfully, he had a clear head and knew it was way too early to know where it was going. We decided we'd start to date, and see where it went.
It's been two months since then. We've done just that. We've talked everyday. We go out alone. We sleep together. BUT, we never talk about our feelings. He shows me he cares, he's thinking about me, but never says it. So, I brought it up, again. Needed to know how he felt, not a definition, a commitment, just how he felt. He expressed that he has feelings for me, doesn't call anyone else but me, doesn't get to hang out as much as he'd like because of his new job, and would like to see where this goes. Said he likes that there are no expectations, no drama, likes the casual ness of it all. I know his ex girlfriend gave him hell for everything, it was drama all the time. He's a logical person, that thinks alot, but doesn't necessarily share his feelings often/very well.
His bestfriend recently told me that he's not ready to make a serious commitment because he'd be a bad boyfriend at this point in time. He just started a new job, that is taking up most of his time, is 25 years old, and really trying to figure things out. His friend says he likes me, he's just weary about making a commitment at this time.
What do I do? Do I stick it out until the timing is better? His friend seems to think he just needs to adjust to the new job, it's affecting his social life, and time to himself. Do I just end it all? His friend told me to not pursue it, if he wants to hang out, he will ask. And for me to go out, have fun. He seems to think he will come to a decision on his own, whether or not he wants to be with me. It seems that the timing is just really off. Maybe me backing off, will help him realize what he really wants. Help!
Thank you.

I could have wrote the first paragraph of your post!! I swear I found who I was meant to be with, and blew it too....out of fear (because of bad timing).
I'm just starting to pull myself together more the past month, but I still know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I read "Why Men Marry B*tches", and it really seemed to help me refocus...I just wish I would have read it BEFORE I met my prince charming.
We'll get there...one step at a time!!!
(((hugs)))
I think you're getting ahead of yourself, because you started hooking up before you were dating. You need to think of it more as you've only been dating for 2 months. And that's not long enough, IMO, for anyone to decide whether they want to be in a committed relationship with you.
It sounds like he hasn't ruled out the possibility of a committed relationship down the road but it's not really what he's looking for at the moment. That *could* change but you can't count on it.
So, the question is, would you be ok with staying in this relationship indefinitely if it never progressed to being a serious, committed relationship? If so, then you should continue to see him. But if you would only be happy if it progressed, then you should stop, because there's a pretty big risk that it's not going to happen.
You can't eliminate the risk in relationships, it's not possible. But you can reduce it by choosing partners who at least have the same relationship goals and who are on the same page with what they want.
Sheri
hi lakerfan...im 34 and i started dating this 26 year old guy. he seemed really interested in the first days of our meeting then he is slowly backing away. im not sure if its because i was not as sexual as he was or maybe because i have already slept w/ him. either way i think if u are a decent person and u are in a state of giving true love and affection and open to the dating world u should meet some other guys.
someone that is kinda flaky, especially for a guy shows immaturity and selfishness. from my experience of bad relationships, i have developed a kinda upbeat personality w/ the dating world. u should enjoy yourself out there. dont wait for this guy to drive you nuts. i know that you guys might have established something stronger compare to my early stage of dating but as a human being i dont think that u deserve to be misled especially if u had also experience bad relationships in your past.
be there for him if he wants to hang out but don't make yourself available at all times. let him pursue you. in the meantime, take life as it is. don't expect too much or too less. be in control of your happiness. go out there w/ other decent guys. it takes time but eventually you will have fun again instead of worrying about someone that is not 100 percent committed to you.
Well, his reasons for wanting to take things a little more slowly are valid... and smart.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~