Noticing a pattern
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| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:23pm |
I was just wondering if any of you ladies are starting to notice a distinct pattern in the dating world lately??
I've been cruising the forums the past few weeks on here, and a different site, plus talking to my single friends....and I keep seeing pretty much the same issues just worded a little differently.
These are some of the things I've noticed girls seem to be having problems with...
1.) If you actually talk to a guy about commitment they run for the hills. That talk is hard to avoid once you start becoming emotional towards your guy, but as soon as you have that 'talk' things start to spiral out of control. Once you start feeling more for him, he pulls away, and starts acting distant, and behaving differently (which I think is what usually provokes that 'talk' in the first place).
2.) You start to establish a relationship with a guy, and all of a sudden he finds someone new, or starts going behind your back on the computer, or in real life. (Grass is greener syndrome).
3.) You decide to sleep with a guy early in the relationship, and he either dissapears after, or you become a friends with benefits.
4.) If you hold off for too long he finds someone who will comply.
5.) Instead of wanting someone real, and giving someone the benefit of the doubt...if you don't portray yourself to be perfect (in his eyes) they will move on.
These are just some of the things I have really started to notice. I'm really NOT meaning to sound so pessimistic, but it's just true. I keep seeing the same advice given...drop him, there are PLENTY of GREAT people out there. Is there really? I mean if everyone keeps having the SAME types of problems, then there must be a LOT of men who have this attitude at the moment. Seeing as there is about an equal ratio of men to women...how is it that there is a 'perfect' man out there for everyone?? I think it really might be more of an issue of timing than anything else. If you so happen to be the 'lucky' girl who starts talking to a guy once something has clicked, and he has decided that he wants a REAL relationship...then things might work out. I think that this is just as major of a factor as anything else nowadays.
It also really seems that women are being beat up. Why do we have to be the ones who work so hard to 'land that man'? I see so many guys complaining on different sites about how girls are so emotional and 'crazy', and how they push commitment. Commitment comes with time according to them, yet there is no time variable on sex. We are expected to be in control of our every emotion....yet that's what we are....emotional beings. It's starting to sound like a job interview, or like doing business....isn't love supposed to be emotional? Why are women giving up being emotional, and yet guys are having more sex with more people than ever (at least it appears this way to me anyways)? Why is it all of a sudden expected that someone should have sex on the first date, or within a couple dates....BUT if someone were to say "I really care about you, and I wonder where this is going" that's a HUGE no no??? I know not all women are willing to sleep with a guy without commitment, but because there are so many who are a lot of guys have picked up on this now and are taking full advantage. I know there are women out there who have casual sex for themself, but I think a lot of women fall into having casual sex because either they think it will make the guy want to commit eventually, OR the guy tricks them into thinking that there is some commitment. I really believe internet dating has opened up a big can of worms. Even when you meet someone in real life, there is still a good chance that they also are internet serial daters, or have been influenced by their friends who have adopted this attitude.
I just wanted to share my observations to get some other insight...because I'm starting to just consider giving up.

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Yes, all those things do happen. I don't know how old you are, but in my age group, at least (late 40s, and I generally date men up to 10 years older or younger than me), there aren't a whole lot of emotionally healthy single guys looking for committed relationships. So yes, it's going to take a whole lot of luck to meet one...much less one that I'm attracted to and compatible with!
But even though it's discouraging, I'm not going to change my values to accommodate men who want casual relationships. If they don't think I'm worth waiting for, then that's their loss. And if a guy runs because I want to know what type of relationship he's looking for, then he's obviously not a good fit for me.
Yes, it's discouraging and I've often thought of giving up. But I want a companion, and so dating is a necessary evil (and in my case, if I didn't do internet dating, I wouldn't meet anyone at all to date). I take breaks every now and then...that helps. It's either that or accept that I'm going to be alone, and I'm not ready to do that yet.
Sheri
I totally agree Sheri...keeping standards is a must, and no one is meant to be alone, and the time will come, but it's a hard road. Pretty much what I take from it though is that not only do you have to be the 'right' person, but also the timing has to be right. I think a lot of these single men who are enjoying the single life a little too much, eventually come down off that high horse, and it's then that they try to actually put effort into a relationship.
I actually do believe that online dating is the best way to increase your options, but at the same time it has done a lot of harm.
What is frustrating me is that I keep seeing women give themselves, but not get what THEY deserve in return. I don't think that all men are creaps...I just think that a few bad apples have tainted things for a lot of people...and it kind of works like a snowball effect. I just can't help but wonder why there is such an anti-commitment fad going on....what exactly is it that is SOOOO "bad" about commitment now? I'm just trying to understand it.
Well, a lot of guys in my age group are coming off of divorces, so they are in no hurry to get into another committed relationship because they don't want to run the risk of repeating that process. And since there are enough women out there who are either truly ok with being in a casual relationship (or who are willing to settle for that), men who aren't looking for commitment can get their "sex and companionship" needs met without having to also agree to a commitment, so they do what the "market will bear" so to speak.
And yes, timing is everything. One of my friends calls it the "next girl wins" syndrome--as in, once the guy decides, ok I'm ready to settle down, the next woman who happens to come along who is reasonably what he's looking for "wins" in the sense of getting a commitment from him. But until he's ready to make that change, no matter how great a woman is, if she comes along at the wrong time, he's not going to commit.
Sheri
Oh boy, yes a can of worms. I have only seen couple of guys from the internet dating. One was a 26 yr old boy who could not wait to have sex. Then a 39 yr old man who could not wait to meet Ms. Right to get married to. Two extremes that disappointed me to this point on dating.
From my past experience if I acted like I did not really care so much for a guy, he acts really attentive to my wants and needs. Then when they get my attention that is when he starts getting cocky.
It is truly frustrating. I also had my experience in the past that I wanted to act like a guy, wanting casual sex, but over the years of meeting different kinds of people it all boils down to if I wanted a relationship I have to be his best friend.
I thought I had met Mr. Right in the past, we were so good together in bed, relaxing together, cooking for each other and all that long stay in weekends that lasted for 3 yrs. Little I know Mr. Right had betrayed me a couple of times and I could not get over this up to this day.
So I took 3 yrs of being alone, just being w/ my family and frenz. I also went to a state of depression that I did not want to be around anyone.
It has only been a couple of months for me in getting back to my social life and this internet dating. The 26 yr old was the very first guy I had slept with. Although he is being distant I have realized that I was the one who also told him in the beginning that I am not ready for a relationship then after few weeks I have changed my mind and wanting more. He knew my story, I did not keep any secrets from him. He knew that I was celibate for 3 yrs. He was so hilarious with his intensity, wanting to spend time almost everyday and I was really hesitant. He kept on convincing me that he is a good guy. But now he is so flaky. Typical.
Very typical. I think the moral of this story is to take a risk without any expectations, emotional attachment, to be Zenlike w/ the dating world. Be open to new possibilities and the less we show desperation of wanting to be w/ the guy then it will be a challenge for them to get our attention. I'm not sure if you guys can agree w/ my mental state when it comes to dating but it has worked for me in the past.
Sheri..."the next girl wins", I love that term, lol.
It's funny how things have changed....this is my take....guys USED to chase girls around offering commitment so that they could reach their goal of sex (and yes some wanted the commitment as well), NOW girls are chasing guys around, and offering sex, in hopes of getting to their goal of commitment (and yes some want the sex aspect as well, lol). The tables have turned.
freeh2dance..I've really noticed too if you are not a girl who they feel is chasing commitment they think something is wrong....so they try their hardest to push for you to commit, and THEY start getting all emotional about it. If, and when you commit, or become emotional then all of a sudden they change their tune...it's a lose/lose situation. I also find it funny that with a couple guys I've dated that if I'm not emotional they act like something must have hurt me, and they are so delicate with my feelings, and try so hard to win me over. In reality I'm just not being emotional so they don't run for the hills, lol. If you talk about commitment, or where you stand, or ask how they feel they FREAK out.....if you don't talk about it they try to bring it out of you. It's actually kind of comical when you think about it!!!
Hi! I usually am a lurker on here, but I just had to jump in because I was just complaining to friends the other day about an exact opposite situation to some of the issues you mentioned.
I am 36 years old, mom to an 18 month old and I have been single since a week before she was born. I date to fill in the time when she is with her dad. I am only interested in a very casual dating relationship and I make that very clear from the beginning.(and by that I do NOT mean casual sex - sex has not even come close to being an issue yet). I also make it clear that my daughter is number one in my life and I love our life just the way it is and that I am only looking for someone to go out with once in a while when she is away for the evening.
I have found that although the couple of guys I have dated say that they understand what I am saying, they totally don't act like it! They are a pain! Calling constantly, text messaging, asking to see me whenever a window of opportunity might open up. It gets annoying! I usually date guys a couple years older than me and I have found that they are in way more of a rush to get serious and committed than I am!
I have not found "the one" yet, but these are reasonably successful men - teachers, business owners, etc. They are financially stable, kind, have their own children of varying ages and appear to be good fathers. Maybe I don't get to know them well enough to see the flaws of character that you mentioned, and that is why my experience has been so opposite of yours?!
Do you think maybe it is because the sex thing has not even been an issue yet for me? I don't know, but it is interesting to hear other women's experiences! Maybe I'll be back on here in a few months saying, "I slept with him and I just experienced the exact same type of jerk as the guys you mentioned!"
Anyway, I just wanted to chime in with my experience!
These scenarios haven't really happened to me either fully...BUT I have seen it posted a LOT, and I do have friends who have experienced these types of things a LOT. I just feel mad for women in general...but I'm not bitter myself from personal experience as of lately (although a bit hesitant to really step into something now becuase of hearing all this ALL the time). I did get my heart broken a little while ago though for a misunderstanding that was to do with this issue.
I have a young dd too (16 months), and I get the same....I need to see you, please come out tonight, can't you find a sitter? When can I see you? Really chasing...texts, calls, emails...too much. But what I'm wondering is if my unavailability somehow makes me more interesting? This one guy really did feel like he could be the one....and he PUSHED me for commitment, and then I didn't know what to do (I was scared to lose him), so I went for it...and then it blew up in my face (I will always remain fully calm, and in control from now on).
People say that it's harder to find dates when you have a child....NOT true! I can find more dates now than I could before I had my dd. The only problem is I don't have as much time for dating...which seems to drive some men nuts. There's this one guy I have been talking with, and went on a date with who lives 4 hours away....he is a NORMAL guy, but for some reason he is set on moving here, and thinks that I'm the one...I'm wondering if when you don't 'chase' them at all if they feel the MUST have you. But at the same time this attitude just bothers me....why if I was open and said I wanted a comittment would they run? Why does it have to be like that? I almost feel like just being yourself isn't good enough....why if it moved me can I not really express what I'm feeling? I'm also NOT having sex, and haven't in forever....although I definetly am starting to get the itch to, lol.
Isn't it strange that how now that we are less interested in a relationship, the guys can't get enough of us? I agree that I have a lot more men seriously interested in me now that I am satisfied with my life and more "aloof" to the whole dating thing.
It does make me curious, though. When the time comes that I do end up really falling for someone, will he not be interested anymore because I am past the more aloof stage and more emotionally invested? Kind of scary to think about!
I agree with you about starting "to get the itch!" LOL! I haven't found anyone that I would even think about letting scratch it, however! :)
Have a great day!
Ya I'm worried about that too. Things are really going quite well with the guy who lives 4 hours away (on his part anyways)....but the guys who live closer expect to be able to spend way more time together than what I'm willing to spend. I really can't help but wonder also how I'm going to ever be able to spend more than maybe one night a week, and MAYBE a few hours during the week, getting to know them. But it is kind of funny how most really like to try to push for more if it's not available. It might be a good thing that we've started these patterns though...hopefully we'll just fall for the right one gradually, and it won't be a problem.
I guess the guy who lives 4 hours away is a contender to scratch that itch...possibly, if we ever had the opportunity, lol.
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